CRRAAZZY SHORT COMEDY script. Outrage and disgust greatly appreciated!

[woodysinger]

UPDATE: I have made major revisions to this screenplay since my last post. However, none of these revisions have been much in the area of format, because I checked previous discussions about narration on the boards, but could not find anyone addressing the issue of how to describe the visuals/action that accompany the narration. Anyway, I didn't get much feedback last time, so I'm trying again.


This is a rough draft of a short, frantically-paced, and, hopefully, relatively funny script. I adapted it from a short story I wrote. I should say that, by "rough," I don't mean that I know how to fix it and am just being lazy, but that there are many areas, especially regarding format, where I had NO clue as to what I was doing. For instance, It's pretty heavy on narration - which I know is not a great idea in itself - and I was unsure about how to describe the action that is occurring at the same time as the narration. Anyway, I'm just curious to see if it has any potential. Thanks!

INTELLIGENCE DESIGNED

EXT. THE RIVER – DAY

Two brothers, MATIASUS and HITCHE, play ball. HITCHE, the older of the two, wears a silky collared shirt and grins confidently as he holds the ball. MATIASUS pants and looks genuinely upset as he anticipates HITCHE’s next move. HITCHE juggles the ball between his hands.

HITCHE
You’re only losing coz your eye’s not on the ball. See, what you gotta do is—

MATIASUS
Shut up. Moron.

HITCHE
Suit yourself.

HITCHE kicks the ball far into the distance. HITCHE laughs as MATIASUS runs after the ball. MATIASUS comes to the edge of a cliff as the ball flies off it, over a river, and onto the other side. He looks into the river and sees his reflection. He extends his arm down towards it longingly.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Matiasus caught a glimpse of his reflection in the river and, awed by his greatness, lunged in.

He lunges in.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Unfortunately the water was frozen, and so he landed flat on the ice…

We hear a THUD. HITCHE arrives at the edge of the cliff and looks down.

HITCHE
Mat?!

INT. MATIASUS’S BEDROOM - DAY

A patch covers MATIASUS’s left eye. He waves to the camera.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
…a tiny shard of which pierced his eye and caused severe damage to his retina.


INT. OPTOMOTRIST’S OFFICE - DAY

A pair of hands places glasses on MATIASUS’s face.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
He was fitted for glasses…

EXT. THE RIVER - DAY

Now sporting glasses, MATIASUS staggers over the edge of the hill as he reaches downward.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
…allowing him to better see his reflection before future dives.

MATIASUS falls over.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
He simply could not get enough, and despite the damage it wrought on his lungs, continued to jump in the water everyday for the next few years. (Series of pictures of him staggering in mid-air with different clothes). This left him little time for his brother, Hitche.

Pan to the right of the last picture. HITCHE is revealed to be standing behind MATIASUS, moping.

INT. HITCHE’S ROOM – DAY

HITCHE lies on his bed. He hears the sound of a door opening, followed by footsteps. He jumps out of bed and runs out the door.

EXT. HITCHE AND MATIASUS’S FRONT YARD – DAY

MATIASUS walks out the door, down the porch steps, and makes a left offscreen. HITCHE comes next, obviously chasing MATIASUS. The camera moves with him.

HITCHE (calling out)
Hey, so I was thinking that maybe you’d want to go…

We hear a splashing sound. HITCHE immediately turns back towards the house.

HITCHE
Damnit!

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Desperate for companionship, Hitche employed various methods to fit in with his classmates.

Series of yearbook pictures of different clubs. In each, HITCHE is matching the attire and style of the other members.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
He became quite popular, and after his first year of college, dropped out and used the tactics he had developed in school to form a business as a life coach.

Shot of his business card. On it, he is wearing sunglasses, standing casually, and smiling. His hands rest on the digital letters of his name, a la the Hitch DVD cover.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
For the moment, however, Hitche remained at his childhood home, where Matiasus grew bitter towards him for his accomplishments.

INT. HITCHE’S ROOM – DAY

Wearing the sunglasses from his business card, HITCHE enters his room, smiling. He goes over to his window and pushes open a single blind. He watches MATIASUS walk to the river, and his smile sinks.

MATIASUS (V.O.)
Matiasus had kept up his daily practice of jumping in the water.

From HITCHE’s window, we see MATIASUS jump in.

EXT. RIVER - DAY

NARRATOR (V.O.)
After one such jump, a piranha bit off his leg.

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

MATIASUS opens the front door. HITCHE sits at the table. MATIASUS is missing a leg. Blood splatters out of his stump.

HITCHE
Wow. You’re an idiot.

MATIASUS
Oh, I’m sorry. Who’s the one not going to college?

MATIASUS hops out of the room.

EXT. THE RIVER - DAY

HITCHE approaches MATIASUS by the river. HITCHE joins MATIASUS in looking down at it. MATIASUS’s leg is bandaged. HITCHE smiles and throws his arm around MATIASUS.

HITCHE
Hey, man. You goin for it again?

MATIASUS pushes HITCHE’s arm off.

MATIASUS
Will you go away?

HITCHE
Don’t you…want to make something of yourself? I mean, what’s the point of being so great if no one knows about it?

MATIASUS
I don’t care what people think.

HITCHE
Suit yourself. But I’m just saying, if a tree falls in the woods and nobody’s there to hear it, it doesn’t make a sound.

MATIASUS
You don’t know what you’re talking about.

HITCHE
Sure I do.

MATIASUS (suddenly indignant)
No you don’t, jackass! A falling tree makes a sound even if nobody’s there!

HITCHE
Oh yeah?

MATIASUS
Yeah! And I’m going to prove it!

MATIASUS begins to storm off. Inspirational music plays.

HITCHE
How?

MATIASUS turns to HITCHE.

MATIASUS
I’ll take to the woods!

HITCHE
Take to the woods?

MATIASUS
To find out for myself!

MATIASUS walks off.

EXT. THE WOODS – DAY

MATIASUS stands in the middle of a cluster of trees.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Days go by as he waits for a tree to fall, and when none do, he determines the universe is cold and indifferent and man’s only hope is to buy wood chippers.

Shot of universe. Shot of MATIASUS assaulting a tree with a wood chipper.

NARRATOR(V.O.)
Matiasus’s stunt attracted attention from the local media…

Shot of news coverage of a forest of chopped-down trees.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
…and caused a rift between the philosophical and environmental communities.

A split-screen segment on the news show. A “philosopher” on one side, an “environmentalist” on the other. The environmentalist has an afro that shoots upward, the philosopher has a long beard that shoots downward.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Indeed, Matiasus had enjoyed the brief embrace of the academic community.

INT. MATIASUS’S LIVING ROOM - DAY

A stack of SPARKNOTES books lie on the table. MATIASUS studies one. MATIASUS’S MOM enters.

MATIASUS’S MOM
Whatcha got there?

MATIASUS
Sparknotes. I’ve been invited to a dinner by some people who saw me on the news.

MATIASUS’S MOM
So why are you reading Sparknotes?

MATIASUS
So I’ll have something to say.

MATIASUS’S MOM
Mat, shortcuts get you nowhere.

MATIASUS (muttering)
Except where you want to go, and faster.

MATIASUS looks up from his book and grins.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Not five seconds went by that he did not remind himself he had thought of this, and at his first dinner with a group of intellectuals, vowed to not leave until bringing it up.

INT. NICE RESTAURANT - NIGHT

NARRATOR (V.O.)
The night was nearing its end as Matiasus tried desperately to work his clever remark into the conversation.

MATIASUS sits at a table with a group of cheerful sophisticates. As they chatter, MATIASUS stares ahead in a daze. The group laughs, and he laughs along.

INT. NICE RESTAURANT - LATER

MATIASUS’s eyes slowly close, and then immediately open.

INT. NICE RESTAURANT – EVEN LATER

SOPHISTICATE 1
The thing I want to know is, when it comes to abortion, why are conservatives such pussies?

MATIASUS is now asleep, but is jolted awake by laughter. MATIASUS laughs along. He looks downward sadly. A waiter refills MATIASUS’s water. MATIASUS grabs onto the waiter, but the waiter pulls away. MATIASUS looks around and discovers no one is talking. He lights up.

MATIASUS
Shortcuts get you nowhere, except where you want to go and faster!

The table is silent for a moment. Then, laughter, which builds and builds.

Sophisticate 2
Sir, you are a master of irony!

Sophisticate 3
A true master, indeed!

MATIASUS smiles.

INT. MATIASUS’S ROOM – DAY

MATIASUS removes some tacs from one of HITCHE’s business cards.

INT. HITCHE’S ROOM – DAY

MATIASUS enters.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
With newfound confidence, Matiasus enlisted the help of his brother to train him in the ways of the sophisticate.

MATIASUS
Know anything about intellectuals?

HITCHE smiles wide.

INT. HITCHE’S ROOM – LATER

HITCHE and MATIASUS sit at a computer.

HITCHE
Alright, basic principle: Networking. No matter what group you’re trying to get in with, you first gotta let your presence be known.

HITCHE turns away from MATIASUS, and winks and smiles at nothing. (Maybe he turns to us, the camera at first, smiles and winks, and then we see a shot from a different angle of him still looking in that direction). He then turns back.

MATIASUS
What?

HITCHE (chuckling)
Alright, man.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Hitche introduced Matiasus to Facebook and coached him through the standard steps of creating a profile.

HITCHE pulls an empty, plastic, red cup out of a bag and hands it to MATIASUS. He places MATIASUS’s other hand over a mannequin. He walks behind a camera and adjusts it so that the mannequin is out of frame.

INT. SCOFF'S DINER - DAY

HITCHE and MATIASUS sit at a table.

HITCHE
Second basic principle: You want to look smart? Just gotta give your audience what they want to hear.

HITCHE turns away, smiles, and winks.

HITCHE
Let’s see, we need a provocative opening line.

MATIASUS’s eyes widen in excitement.

MATIASUS
Shortcuts get you nowh—

HITCHE
Hey hey! What are you doing?!

MATIASUS
I don’t know.

HITCHE
I feed. You purge.

HITCHE looks around and observes the customers. Most are hipsters, sporting square-rimmed glasses and messenger bags with various buttons.

HITCHE
Okay, try, “Kinda like our current administration.”

MATIASUS
What about it?

HITCHE
Just say it.

MATIASUS shrugs.

MATIASUS (disheartened)
Kinda like our current administration.

HITCHE
Louder.

MATIASUS (disheartened and loud)
Kinda like our current administration.

HITCHE
Good, now snicker.

MATIASUS
Snicker?

HITCHE
Come on, man. Roll your eyes. Shrug. Something.

MATIASUS snickers. A male in his 20’s approaches the table.

CUSTOMER
Um, excuse me, but did you just say, “Kinda like our current administration,” and then snicker?

MATIASUS looks to HITCHE. HITCHE nods slowly.

MATIASUS (to CUSTOMER)
Well, it’s hard not to talk about the current administration when snickering.

HITCHE lets out an artificial cough.

HITCHE (to MATIASUS)
Not to snicker when talking about the current administration.

MATIASUS (laughing)
Okay? There an echo in here?

CUSTOMER
Well man, I’ll tell ya, it’s good to hear someone speak out.

MATIASUS
Well, it’s hard not to speak out when talking about the current administration.

HITCHE stares at MATIASUS blankly.

CUSTOMER
Such morons up there.

MATIASUS
Well, ya know, it’s hard not to speak out when talking about the current administration.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Though he struggled through his opening lines, Matiasus eventually eased into the conversation and before long an interested crowd amassed by the table.

EXT. SCOFF’S DINER - DAY

HITCHE and MATIASUS walk down a sidewalk.

HITCHE
Not bad, man.

HITCHE pats MATIASUS on the back.

MATIASUS
Alright.

MATIASUS pushes HITCHE’s hand away.

MATIASUS
How long until I’m finished with you?

HITCHE
Huh?

MATIASUS
How long until we’re done?

HITCHE looks to the side.

HITCHE
Oh, you have a while to go.

MATIASUS
Really?

HITCHE
Yeah, still need a lot of work.

HITCHE rubs his eye from underneath his sunglasses.

MATIASUS
But you said I was doing well. Hey, are you crying?

Although the sunglasses cover HITCHE’s eyes, we see a tear or two on his cheeks. He feigns a ridiculous smile.

HITCHE
No! What, man?!

MATIASUS
Nevermind. So what’s the third principle?

HITCHE
Oh yeah, about those principles.

MATIASUS
Yeah?

HITCHE turns away from MATIASUS and the viewer, and throws up both his arms.

HITCHE
There are none!

MATIASUS
What the fuck are you doing? What are you talking about?

HITCHE and MATIASUS are stopped at a car. MATIASUS aggressively turns HITCHE around. HITCHE is laughing hysterically while tears stream down his face.

HITCHE
Aw, man. Funny stuff. Well, this is me.

HITCHE turns back to the opposite direction. He wipes his face as he walks to the driver’s side of a convertible.

MATIASUS
What do you mean, “There are none?”

HITCHE gets in the car as MATIASUS stays on the sidewalk.

HITCHE (upbeat)
There are no rules, bro. No formulas. I learned you’ve just gotta be yourself.

MATIASUS
You learned this when? From the doorway to your car?

HITCHE
Yeah, man. Just one of those moments, ya know?

MATIASUS
No.

HITCHE
Whew, feels great.

MATIASUS
Great.

HITCHE puts his car in drive.

HITCHE
Be yourself! That’s all there is to it!

HITCHE drives away smiling. MATIASUS stands for a moment on the sidewalk. CUSTOMER walks up to the car next to the now empty space. MATIASUS approaches him.

MATIASUS
Any way I could get a ride?

INT. CUSTOMER’S CAR – DAY

CUSTOMER is driving MATIASUS back to his house. MATIASUS looks helpless and lost.

CUSTOMER
Don’t let it get to you, man. Life lessons are cliché.

MATIASUS
Yeah.

The two sit in silence for a moment.

MATIASUS
So what do you do?

CUSTOMER
That depends. Do you mean for life…or for a living?

CUSTOMER turns to MATIASUS and smiles with satisfaction.

MATIASUS
Um, I don’t know. The one that means “job.”

CUSTOMER
Ah, yes. Well, I’m a filmmaker.

MATIASUS
Really?

CUSTOMER
Yeah, I haven’t made anything yet, but right now I’m working on a comedy set in New York.

MATIASUS
Oh? What’s it about?

CUSTOMER
Well, that was the hard part. But then I decided, okay, it’s a normal day. People are walking in the park. Then all of a sudden, like, ninjas show up.

MATIASUS
Uh huh…?

Pause.
MATIASUS
You said it’s a comedy?

CUSTOMER
Yeah, coz it’s like...there are ninjas…taken out of their normal context.

MATIASUS (thinking)
Oh…Oh!

MATIASUS chuckles.

INT. HITCHE’S CAR – DAY

HITCHE drives. He continues to smile as tears cover his face.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Hitche drove for miles, eventually stopping and taking up residence at a quaint house by the sea, where he stayed virtually in hiding for the rest of his life.

EXT. HITCHE’S HOUSE - DAY

Covering the front is a large sign that reads, “I’m not here (cough, cough). Wink. Wink, wink,” spelled out with glitter.

INT. MATIASUS’S ROOM – DAY

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Matiasus decided to start a career in film. Scorning screenplay conventions, he breezed over the writing of a script and submitted it to a reputable studio. Upon receiving the screenplay, the studio’s scriptreader became convinced that its complete lack of structure pointed definitively to the absence of order in the universe, and one day strolled out of the studio doing somersaults.

We see this.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
The head of the studio, having always hated the scriptreader, felt indebted to Matiasus, and informed him that, while he could not offer him a contract on these grounds, he would fund a few short films. (Show all this). Matiasus quickly got to shooting, making use of several techniques that would become his trademarks. These included a liberal use of English subtitles…

Shot of a horrible-looking movie with subtitles.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
—regarded as an odd choice, as the dialogue was in English—

We now hear the English dialogue along with the visuals.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
—and accents—each film containing a character who could not pronounce his u’s.

Continuation of the same movie. A new character walks up and says something illegible that would make sense if he could pronounce his u’s.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Symbolism also faired heavily. For instance, Matiasus revealed the flaws of the academic system with compelling imagery, such as a melancholy Bill Murray being torn to pieces by battling polar bears.

(Somehow, we see this. Maybe Bill from the back, holding a martini. As it happens, he says “What is life.”)

Shot of MATIASUS on a talk show, looking relaxed and dignified.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Matiasus explained his goal to “truly confront the audience…”

EXT. THEATER PARKING LOT - NIGHT

A COUPLE walks out the theater door.

BOYFRIEND
The fuck was that?

GIRLFRIEND laughs.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
…and could often be found waiting outside the theater with a baseball bat.

The couple approaches MATIASUS, who is holding a bat and dressed all in black.

MATIASUS (hissing)
Hi.

INT. MATIASUS’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

MATIASUS sits in a chair. The phone rings.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
On occasion, Hitche would call.

MATIASUS
Hello?

INT. HITCHE’S HOUSE – NIGHT

HITCHE
Hey, man!

INT. MATIASUS’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

MATIASUS
Hey, what’s going on?

INT. HITCHE’S HOUSE – NIGHT

NARRATOR (V.O.)
…but he had yet to overcome his fear of being abandoned.

HITCHE
Oh, not much. What’s going on with you?

INT. MATIASUS’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

MATIASUS
Well, I—

INT. HITCHE’S HOUSE – NIGHT

HITCHE hangs up and walks away.

INT. MATIASUS’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

MATIASUS looks into the phone, then slowly hangs it up.

[woodysinger]

This is THE UPDATED part 2...of 2.

INT. STUDIO OFFICE - DAY

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Meanwhile, the Studio took interest in Matiasus’s work and arranged a meeting to discuss a three-picture deal.

A group of overpowering film executives smoke cigars on one end of the spacious office. MATIASUS stands at the other end.

EXEC 1
We love your stuff.

MATIASUS
Thanks.

EXEC 2
Just great. Really interesting.

EXEC 1
Some stuff I didn’t quite get, but uh…nothing new there.

All the executives laugh. MATIASUS joins in.

EXEC 2
So, Mr. Interesting, would you be interested in a 3-movie deal?

MATIASUS
Are you serious?

EXEC 3
You’ll have complete freedom. We’ll stay outta…outta your hair.

MATIASUS
But why?

EXEC 1
Our only concern—

MATIASUS
Oh.

EXEC 1
—is with the accents.

MATIASUS
Typical.

EXEC 2
We feel they’d be alienating to mainstream audiences.

MATIASUS
Ugh, mainstream audiences.

EXEC 1
Yes…what about them?

MATIASUS thinks this over.

MATIASUS
I’ll get back to you.

EXEC 3
Look, we’re not asking that you get rid of the accents. Just that you…change them.

MATIASUS
But characters’ mispronouncing u’s is my trademark. Without it, I am no different than any other filmmaker.

EXEC 3 creeps towards MATIASUS. MATIASUS stiffens.

EXEC 3
Do we have a deal, sir?

MATIASUS is visibly sweating. He tugs at his shirt collar.

MATIASUS (nervously)
Your highness?

EXEC 3 takes a long, slow draw on his cigar. Even slower, he exhales stream of smoke onto MATIASUS’s face that seems to go on forever. (Far away shot of this.) The other 2 executives approach.

Exec 3
Deal…or no deal?

MATIASUS coughs and straightens his neck.

MATIASUS
Ya know, I just don’t understand why the accent thing is necessary.

The executives, now crowding MATIASUS from all sides, insert the cigars fully into their mouths and simultaneously spit the ashes onto his feet.

MATIASUS
Very well. If I could just…

MATIASUS backs into the wall.

MATIASUS
…have a moment?

MATIASUS walks to the other end of the room, awkwardly checking behind him to make sure the execs stay where they are. Although now out-of-focus and in the background, we can barely make out a snake slivering out the bottom of one of the executives’ pants. The executive steps on the snake. MATIASUS produces a small planner from his pocket.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Matiasus flipped to the section of his planner marked “Ethics,” and read carefully.

INT. FRATERNITY HOUSE - NIGHT

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Upon being asked by Don Worth, the leader of a prominent campus organization, to torch a house at a fraternity meeting a few years prior, he accidentally turned to the “Daily Schedule” page of the planner and answered, “Take the wax out of your ears.”

MATIASUS sweats and shakes profusely as he flips hurriedly through a notebook. He is surrounded by fraternity brothers. A torch is being held up to his face. As he continues to flip, he looks up at the offscreen face of the guy holding the torch. He stops flipping, points to the opened page in the notebook, smiles, and looks down at it. We see a close-up of the text, which reads “Take the wax out of your ears.”

EXT. FRATERNITY HOUSE – NIGHT

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Don was infuriated, and Matiasus was torched.

MATIASUS bursts out the front door. He is engulfed in flames.

INT. OFFICE – DAY

NARRATOR (V.O.)
The “Ethics” section stated that Matiasus could do nothing that compromised his artistic vision unless it offered money.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
So he signed the paper, thus finalizing the contract he would later describe as the regret of his life to a mirror while applying a bubble beard to his face.

MATIASUS shakes hands with the studio heads. He smiles. The camera begins to zoom in until his smile fills the screen. His smile turns upside down. The camera zooms out of what turns out to be his reflection in a mirror. He is putting bubbles on his face in the shape of a beard. He sniffles.

INT. THEATER – NIGHT

An audience watches a version of the film we have already seen, complete with subtitles. People are walking out of the theater.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Mainstream audiences, too simple to appreciate his innovative flourishes, showed little interest, while his followers found that, due to the accent change, they could no longer relate to the work.

The same character as before walks up and says the original line but with the u’s. (Now that it makes sense, it’s ridiculous.)

INT. STUDIO OFFICE - DAY

NARRATOR (V.O.)
The Studio dropped him immediately.

The studio heads stuff cigars into their mouths. They spit the ashes onto MATIASUS’S face.

EXT. STUDIO BUILDING – DAY

Covered in cigar ash, MATIASUS runs outside, doing somersaults.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
His film career had met its end, rendering him lonely, poor, and in strong demand at a number of minor universities. (something).

NARRATOR (V.O.)
He accepted a job at one such college.

Shot of him at college.

EXT. STRIP MALL – DAY

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Plagued by regret, he promised himself to never again buckle under pressure…

MATIASUS walks outside of a shop. He looks down in despair. A parked car blocks our view of his lower body.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
…a pledge that occasioned several sightings of the academic without pants.

MATIASUS walks past the car. We can see that his pants are at his ankles. Closer to the camera, a daughter and her mom pass. The daughter looks at MATIASUS and points.

DAUGHTER
MOM, HE’S…

The MOM covers DAUGHTER’S eyes, grabs her hand, and walks away fast. The COUPLE from the theater parking lot pass in the opposite direction.

GIRLFRIEND
The fuck was that?

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

MATIASUS stands at the front of a classroom of students.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Unfortunately, this new practice would also cost him his position as a Psychology teacher.

MATIASUS
…references Freud, who said that all men possess an instinctive attraction to his mom.

The class sits silent. MATIASUS smiles at the class. A student, CALVIN, raises his hand.

CALVIN
Do you have our papers?

MATIASUS
No, I’m sorry. I’ll have them for you tomorrow.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Actually, Matiasus did not have the papers.

EXT. POST OFFICE – DAY

MATIASUS pulls up to the mailboxes.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
After asking that the students write imaginary letters of complaint to Hollywood, Matiasus was so taken by the work of the freshmen that he mailed it in a fit of inspiration.

MATIASUS drops in a stack of envelopes.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
The new, more daring studio staff sent a reply that they loved the work and were currently shopping it to directors.

INT. MATIASUS’S HOUSE – DAY

MATIASUS reads the letter. He angrily crumples it and throws it in the trash.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

CALVIN walks to MATIASUS’s desk.

CALVIN
It’s just that…I have AAD.

MATIASUS
AAD?

CALVIN
Anticipatory Anxiety Disorder. I can’t wait more than 48 hours for results or I’ll get a nosebleed.

MATIASUS smiles smugly.

MATIASUS
Calvin, please.

CALVIN
But it’s true!

MATIASUS
Look, Calvin, shortcuts will get you…

An enlightened expression comes over MATIASUS’s face.

MATIASUS
…nowhere

MATIASUS looks into the distance as his mouth slowly opens. He turns back to CALVIN.

MATIASUS
They’ll get you nowhere, fast.

MATIASUS turns back away from CALVIN and stares into the distance with wonder. As he does this, his mouth slowly drops again.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Matiasus was almost positive he had learned a life lesson. How else to explain what he was doing with his mouth? True, he did have a stuffed-up nose. But no, something seemed different to Matiasus, as though the missing piece of an elaborate puzzle had been found, and suddenly, he felt ready for all that life had in store.

MATIASUS turns back to CALVIN. CALVIN stares at him with a blank expression. MATIASUS smiles at him confidently. CALVIN continues to stare. MATIASUS stops smiling. CALVIN still stares. The corners of MATIASUS’s lips begin to fidget downward. He sniffles once.

MATIASUS
I’ll have the paper in 15 minutes.

CALVIN
Thank you so much!

As CALVIN walks away, MATIASUS bitterly mocks his mouth movements.

MATIASUS
Class, I’m gonna run to the restroom.

MATIASUS backs up, knocks into the trashcan, and runs out of the room.

INT. SCHOOL BATHROOM – DAY

MATIASUS stands in the stall, covering his eyes.

MATIASUS
Little shit.

He reaches for his belt, but pauses as he is about to buckle it.

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

MATIASUS walks into the classroom with his pants at his ankles and looks at the students with pride. Everyone is silent. Their jaws are all dropped. In the back, a student raises his hand.

STUDENT (cynically)
Uh, when are we gonna need this later in life?

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Following his termination, Matiasus retired to a quiet life in the mountains…

EXT. MOUNTAINSIDE – DAY

Shot of MATIASUS’S mountainhouse.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
…and despite his family’s fervent wishes, refused to get a hearing aid.

Far away shot. We can now see a busy street below the mountains and hear several car horns. Helicopters fly in the sky.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Consequently, when a tree falls through his roof and onto his back one night, he does not hear the sound. This seems to resolve the “tree falling in the woods” dilemma he had for so long suffered and then forgotten when he found something else to do. As his lungs are crushed, his conflicted mind is put at ease, and the universe decides this would be a poetic time for Matiasus to die.

A tree smashes through MATIASUS’s roof and onto his back. Lying on the floor, he smiles. His eyes close slowly. Suddenly, they reopen.

MATIASUS
Wait.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
But Matiasus, observing he was there when the tree fell this time, reasons that it doesn’t count. The universe, annoyed, decides to kill him off anyway.

His eyes shut closed.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
These proved fitting last moments for a man so dissatisfied and dumb.

EXT. MATIASUS’S MOUNTAINHOUSE – DAY

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Before his death, he released two modest-selling books, Consistently Inconsistent and Other Fun Contradictions You Can Fit on a Popsicle Stick, and its gloomier follow-up, The Sense of Nonsense—I Hate My Life.

Shots of both books.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Relations between Matiasus and his brother had never improved.

INT. HITCHE’S HOUSE – DAY

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Hitche saw Matiasus as someone with a crippling superiority complex who would do anything for acceptance.

HITCHE (to camera)
Fucking phony.

INT. MATIASUS’S CRAPPIER APARTMENT – DAY

NARRATOR (V.O.)
To Matiasus, Hitche was a self-satisfied cretin whose success was unjust.

MATIASUS (to camera)
Fucking idiot.

EXT. NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE - DAY

Shot of woman in car, looking out her window gravely. She wears glasses, and is watching MATIASUS and HITCHE, who are fighting on the side of the road.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
But it was a passing stranger who saw them for what they truly were.

The woman’s glasses fall off her face. She looks at MATIASUS and HITCHE without her glasses.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Two middle-aged Asian women flicking each other’s necks on the side of the New Jersey turnpike.

The woman sees this (somehow). She takes some pills.

THE END

[woodysinger]

This never seems to be the best tactic, but....ppppllleeeeaaaassseee??? I'm desperate here.

[Potzer! 37]

I couldn't finish it....I don't like being to blunt when it comes to critism, and you're obviously green at this based on your comments...so here you go...

Formatting aside, the character isn't funny...that it, first and foremost, before anything else, make him funny and likeable...when i first started reading you script was reminding me of Radio Days...here look at this scene from that movie...

INT-KITCHEN-DAY

The family sits around and listens to the radio as an ANNOUNCER booms from the speakers:

RADIO ANNOUCER'S VOICE
Hello, sports fans and welcome to
today's edition of Bill Kern's
"Favorite Sports Legends."

VO NARRATION
Now, in my family each person had
his own favorite show. For instance,
my uncle Abe was a great sports fan.
And he always listened to Bill Kern.

EXT-BASEBALL FIELD-DAY

A player pitches toward the camera as the announcer continues:

RADIO ANNOUNCER VO
Today's story is about a baseball player.
His name was Kirby Kyle a lean
southpawfrom Tennessee. He played for
the old St. Louis Cardinals. He threwfast, and he
had a good curve ball. And all the hitters knew it.
He was a kid with a great future

EXT-THE WOODS-DAY

Kirby actions occur in time with the announcer.

RADIO ANNOUNCER VO (CONT'D)
But one day he went hunting.
He loved to hunt just like his father
and his father's father.
Chasing a rabbit, he stumbled,
and his rifle went off.
The bullet entered his leg.
Two days later, it was amputated.
They said he would
never pitch again.

EXT-BASEBALL FIELD-DAY

The same angle from before, and now the pticher has a wooden stump for his leg.

RADIO ANNOUNCER VO (CONT'D)
But the next season, he was back.
He had one leg but he had something
more important. He had heart.
The following winter...

EXT-BASEBALL FIELD-DAY (THE NEXT YEAR)

RADIO ANNOUNCER VO (CONT'D)
another accident cost Kirby Kyle an arm.

Kirby pitches by holding hid glove under his arm and then putting
it on after he throws.

RADIO ANNOUNCER VO (CONT'D)
Fortunately not his pitching arm.
He had one leg and one arm...
but more than that he had heart.

EXT-LAKE-DAY

Kirby sits on the shore hunting ducks.

RADIO ANNOUNCER VO (CONT'D)
The next winter going after duck
his gun misfired. He was blind...

EXT-BASEBALL FIELD-DAY

Kirby, with a stump, one arm, and now glasses pitches the ball. When it is thrown back to him he puts his glove up randomly and the ball misses it. Behind him the short stop runs to get the ball.

RADIO ANNOUNCER VO (CONT'D)
But he had instinct as to
where to throw the baseball.
Instinct...and heart.
The following year...

INT-RADIO STATION-DAY

BILL KERN, the announcer reads his speech into a microphone:

RADIO ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)
Kirby Kyle was run over
by a truck and killed.
The following season...
he won 18 games...
in the Big League in the sky.
This has been Bill Kern...
with another favorite sports legend.

Heroic sports music swells as Bill Kern gives his sign off.

See, here Woody Allen gave a litigimate reason for the narration, by makeing it a radio show...you could do somthing similar...like a cautionary tale if that's where you were going with this...I dunno, when the brother showed up i completely lost intrest...a character like yours is only funny in his own world...trying to explain him doesn't work, because people will hate him/pity him/whatever...by the time he goes out into the woods, I stopped reading...keep his actions concise and clear...the reflection was good...vanity and stupidity...the tree in the woods was not...I don't know and don't care why he wants to know the truth because you don't give me reason too....another thing with the Woody allen scene is that dispite the horrible things happening he keeps the character a hero in the readerd mind with the phrase "He had heart"...it's enduring as well as funny....

and as far as formatting goes, well look in the thread on this forum that explains it and read a lot of scripts...that's it...hope I helped some

[woodysinger]

Thanks, Potzer, you helped a lot. I'm definitely struggling in the areas you mentioned - trying to provide enough explanation so that the character's actions make sense but not so much that it slows down the pace or breaks from the "world" of the character.

Ex: the woods scene.

I'm currently trying to throw in subtle indicators that he is going in the woods out of bitterness towards his brother. Could that make any sense?

Anyone else have any thoughts? I would appreciate it immensely!

[woodysinger]

I've made major revisions to the script, so...bump.