Flavor of the week

[runar]

this is the first few pages on my first ever script, so wanted to see what you guys think about it. But i´m asking you that if you don´t hava anything that I can build on in your critisism than i´d rather you wouldn´t post a reply but I´m asking what you think.

FADE IN:

INT. JIM´S APPARTMENT - DAY

Jim sit´s in his underwear with a cup of coffie on a sofa
looking out the window. The window is dirty and smudgy on
the inside, on the window-sill are a few dead flies.

JIM
(Narration)
The window isn´t in my way I feel
like i´m inside and outside
(Narration)
There´s afternoon sun and calm
whether, what more could I ask
for. I´m tierd and now I can
relax.
(Narration)
I haven´t felt this great since I
was a kid

Jim takes a sip of his coffie and stand´s up from the sofa.

JIM
(Narration)
Damn the coffie is cold, great
coffie though but just about to
cold.

Jim walks in to the kitchen from the living room and puts
his cup of coffie into the empty kitchen sink

Jim spreads his 25 books which he just finished writing
across the kitchen table and sit down by the kitchen table.

JIM
(talking to
himself)
Huhhh, who can I give these books
to.

Jim writes the names down on yellow post-it´s who will get his book

JIM
Well I can give one to Billy
because I used his name in the
book without his permission.
Jim looks up after he has written Billy´s name on a post-it
and is sticking it on a book.

JIM
Hell i´ll give him 3 just for a
laugh

JIM
and some of the people from the
network and my parents can´t leave
them out, or could I

Jim looks out the window and thinks about if he can not give
them a copy of the book.

JIM
Yeah i´ll give them a copy but not
yet, I´ll give them a copy as a
christmas present, not that long
until christmas only about 8 or 9
months.
(looking at a
calendar on the
wall)
yeah 8 months, that´s a plan

JIM
Ohh and how can I forget Stevie
Woods the man behind this book. He
definatly will get one copy of it

INT. JIM´S APPARTMENT - DAY

6 MONTHS AGO

Jim is sitting on the sofa in his living room and from the
place his is sitting he see´s across the hall and see´s that
someone is moving in to the appartment across the hall.

JIM
(surprised)
What the fuck is that, someone
moving in next door

JIM
Nobody has lived there for over a
year at least since the old lady
past away.I better go there and say hello
and bring a present or something

Jim gets up and starts walking around his appartment and
see´s a cake so he take the cake and runs across the hall

INT. STEVIE´S APPARTMENT - DAY

Jim walks in and knocks on the door as he is walking inside
the appartment.

JIM
(Shouting)
Hello anybody here.

PLUMBER
Yeah I´m in the kitchen

JIM
And where is that?

PLUMBER
right in front of you

JIM
Oh yeah i see it now

Jim walks into the kitchen and see´s a plumber working on
some pipes under the sink

JIM
Hey I´m Jim and I live next door

PLUMBER
Hello my name is....

JIM
(interrupting)
I know you, you are Stevie Woods

PLUMBER
No I´m not Stevie Woods, I´m
Dawson Downey

JIM
Wow you have two last names

PLUMBER
Yeah it´s a curse

JIM
Man I can´t get over it you look
just like Stevie Woods.

JIM
Yeah he has this wierd thing that
he only hires anyone if they look
like them.

JIM
So what are you doing here

PLUMBER
I´m here to look over his pipes

JIM
So he´s moving here?

PLUMBER
That he is and I just have to warn
you, that his wife is hot as hell.

JIM
Go figure, he used to be famous
then sure the wife will be hot

PLUMBER
So ok i´m all finished up in here
so i´m taking of it was nice to
meet you.

JIM
Yeah nice to meet you to and i´ll
se you around

PLUMBER
No you won´t

JIM
Yeah you´re probelby right

JIM
Well I´ll call you if i´ll have
some troube with my plumbing,
after all there can´t be many
Dawson Downey´s in the book.

PLUMBER
Yeah you do that.

JIM
Yeah and i´ll see´ya

INT. GROCERY STORE - DAY

Jim is walking along the isle´s and is pushing an empty
shopping cart in front of him

JIM
What should I get for dinner,
ahhhhh fuck it i´ll just get
someting

Grabs a cucumber and a couple of bananas as he walks past
them, a bag of Lays potato chips, a couple of Chicken
breasts and a 12-pack of condoms, spaghetti, canned mushroom
soup, sausages and eggs and heads for the counter.

STORE CLERK
Next, please

Jim approaches the the clerks table and starts taking his
groceries out of his basket and putting it on the table.

STORE CLERK
Good afternoon

JIM
Good afternoon to you too

Jim starts putting his groceries on the table in this order:
Cucumber, bananas, lays, chicken, spaghetti, soup, sausage,
eggs and condoms

STORE CLERK
Ahh a cucumber, did you know that
the cucumber originated in India
where they have been cultivated
for 3000 years. The cucumber
or in latin Cucumis sativus is a
member of the gourd family or
Cucurbitaceae as are melons,
squash and pumpkins.

JIM
That´s just great

STORE CLERK
Edible bananas originated in the
Indo-Malaysian region reaching to
northern Australia. They were
known only by hearsay in the
Mediterranean region in the 3rd
Century B.C., and are believed to
have been first carried to Europe
in the 10th Century A.D. Early in
the 16th Century, Portuguese
mariners transported the plant
from the West African coast to
South America. The types found in
cultivation in the Pacific have
been traced to eastern Indonesia
from where they spread to the
Marquesas and by stages to Hawaii.

JIM
You don´t say, are you going to
give me information on every thing
you check in?

STORE CLERK
Yeas I am, Lays, uhhh, the company
was founded in the year 1938 by a
man named Herman Lay in Atlanta
but im not sure about more in the
history of Lays, sorry

JIM
(smiling)
That´s fine by me, the less you
know the quicker i´ll be

STORE CLERK
I don´t know that much about the
history of chicken´s but im gonna
tell you a little story. The
Amazing, true story of this famous
fowl dates back to September 10,
1945 when Mike, a young Wyandotte
rooster, was about to become the
dinner of Fruita, Colorado, farmer
Lloyd Olsen. With a sharp ax in
hand, Mr. Olsen firmly held Mike,
preparing to make the bird ready
for his wife Clara's cooking pot.
Mr. Olsen swung the implement,
thereby lopping off poor Mike's
head. Mike shook off the event,
then continued trying to peck for
food. This little chicken lived
on for 18 months, that´s amazing

JIM
that´s really amazing but can you
shorten the history lesson? I´m in
a hurry

STORE CLERK
No I can´t but spaghetti you think
it´s originally Italian right?

JIM
Yeah it´s Italian.

STORE CLERK
Well it might be but the legend
has it that Marco Polo brought the
recipe for spaghetti back from
China. In October 2005 a bowl of
noodles 4000 yrs old was unearthed
in a Chinese archaeological site
as reported by the BBC. Prior
evidence showed that pasta has
been made in Italy at least since
the 4th century BC.

JIM
Seriously i´m in a hurry so hurry
the fuck up,

STORE CLERK
why are you being rude to me I´m
just doing my job.

JIM
I´m sorry but can you hurry the
fuck up

STORE CLERK
I´m sorry i´ll try to speak
faster. and skip the soup

STORE CLERK
ahhh a sausage consists of ground
meat and other animal parts, herbs
and spices, and possibly other
ingredients, generally packed in a
casing traditionally the
intestines of the animal.

JIM
(shaking his head)
Ohhh man, why did you say that?
animals intestines? but this is
the express line isn´t it?

STORE CLERK
Yeas it is.
(smiling)
ahh condoms
(Serios)
Need a price check on a 12-pack of
LifeStyles Ultra Lubricated
Condoms

VOICE
(In the store
speaker system)
price check on a 12-pack of
LifeStyles Ultra Lubricated
Condoms the price is 9.95 dollars

Jim looks kind a emberresed and angry at the store clerk.


JIM
(handing over his
credit card)
Don´t tell me how much it costs in
total just put it in a bag so a
can get out of here.

Jim get´s his groceries in a bag and goes to the front door

JIM
(walking to the
door)
thank you

STORE CLERK
Thank you and have a nice day

EXT. OUTSIDE THE GROCERY STORE - DAY

Jim stands by the door and is shaking his head

JIM
(sighs)
man that guy has to much time on
his hand

gets in his car and drives away


So tell me what you think

[Ares2907]

I think you'd get a lot out of reading the FAQ. Seriously, read it.
Read the stuff that it recommends.

I read about three lines before I started to skim.
The usual suspects - formatting, spelling / grammar, talking heads. Get that right before you start asking for feedback on your story.

[Mari]

I'm new here so I´'m not gonna pretend that I know exactly what a script is supposed to look like. But I've lurked and I've read scripts to try to get a hang of it all and I think that's what you need to do.

This site has a lot of them, read, reade and read some more.

http://www.scriptcrawler.net/index.html

Also I don't know what program you are using but maybe you should buy or at least download the demo to Final Draft it helps a lot.

And I agree with Ares you should read the FAQ.

Mari

[deftdelivery]

Dude your shit is incredible....make the clerk give a detailed explanation on the history of condoms and what you have is gold. Pure gold.

[Ares2907]

It's not polite to troll.