#1  
Old 05-18-2009, 12:49 AM
Superman (1978): The Worst Superhero Movie Ever?

Look, Over In The $5 Bin! It’s A Romantic Comedy!–It’s A Gay Musical!–NO, It’s SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE!

Superman. With the simple mention of his name, most any American could write an essay by mere word association alone. Hero, Icon, Legend, Gay Pride... One of the oldest and surely most beloved comic book characters ever created, The Man Of Steel has truly stood the test of time. First appearing in Action Comics #1, in the summer of 1938, it wasn’t until 40 years later that the iconic American Superhero made it to the silver screen in his first feature length cinematic adventure.


The film was met with exceptional critical acclaim and financial success, and along with STAR WARS, paved the way for special effect extravaganzas and created today’s most popular genre of cinema, the Superhero Film. And it’s held up, too. SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE is still widely considered the best film, not only out of it’s successful 5 film series, but to many, of its entire genre. Just look how it compares over 30 years later on Rotten Tomatoes' Fresh-O-Meter with some of its modern-day comic book cousins…

SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE [93% FRESH]

300 [60%]
BATMAN BEGINS [84%]
BLADE [55%]
DAREDEVIL [44%]
THE DARK KNIGHT [94%]
FANTASTIC FOUR [26%]
GHOST RIDER [27%]
THE INCREDIBLE HULK [66%]
IRON MAN [93%]
THE PUNISHER (2004) [29%]
ROAD TO PERDITION [82%]
SIN CITY [77%]
SPIDER-MAN [90%]
THE SPIRIT [14%]
SUPERMAN RETURNS [77%]
V FOR VENDETTA [73%]
WATCHMEN [64%]
X-MEN [80%]


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[16 Wins - 1 Tie - 1 Loss]

It is matched only by last year’s IRON MAN and rivaled only by THE DARK KNIGHT, and even then, by just a single percentage point. Now, while Rotten Tomatoes isn’t the end-all, be-all decider of the consensus’, it does cover quite a large spectrum of reviews from critics and fans a like. So, I think it is quite fair on my part to say that most would agree, SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE is a good film. And I’m not sad to say, I think the general consensus is…


SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE, could quite possibly be…

THE WORST SUPERHERO MOVIE EVER


The film opens with a widdle kid weading a comic book in a cutesy voice, informing the audience about the importance of a building called the DAILY PLANET. A great metropolitan newspaper, that took the responsibility of informing its readers with clarity and truth, and instilling hope in the citizens of the depression worn city of--Metropolis… Really--Metropolis? Clever. The drawing of a giant globe atop the immense Daily Planet building begins to dissolve/revolve into real life--(well an artist’s rendition of real life) and the camera soars past to the vast night sky and beyond into--one of the greatest credits sequences of all time. Fuck.

John Williams, lets talk about him. Best Part About This Movie? Yes. Genius? I’d say so. Single Greatest Modern Day Composer? Definitely. What more needs to be said? The SUPERMAN movie score is without a doubt one of the best EVER produced and though it pains me to give this movie’s popularity even a shred of credence, I love the score. LOVE IT.

Alright, so I’m not off to a very solid start in proving my case for how overrated and crappy this film is, but bear with me, as it’s all downhill from here. Starting the film off with something so epic and gratifying is dangerous, as what can live up to a John William’s score blaring over a journey through deep space? Other than EMPIRE--not fucking much. And certainly nothing that follows in this stinker. So, the music aside, lets delve in head-first to Krypton, home planet of Superman, an entire race of fashion victims and final resting place of Marlon Brando’s hair-piece. But first, a note...

SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE has the usual Three-Act structure that has been in place since celluloid was first used to film the KKK triumphantly killing uppity escaped slaves, but the difference with SUPERMAN is that it feels like 3 separate films. Almost like it is three episodes to a lackluster TV show about Superman. As if there weren't enough of them...


So, in an act to better dissect the suck, I’ll be splitting up the essay into it’s three episodic parts.

SUPERMAN not only began the Super-Hero genre, it also instilled the obligatory 40+ minute origin story that 99% of the audience already knows, or doesn’t care about. So, I guess I’ll start there.


IN THE BEGINNING
A perfectly quaffed Marlon Brando, addresses a room of floating heads as an apparent prosecutor for the state of White-Dome City. He delivers his case against a trio of ugly miscreants and successfully convicts them of general douche-baggery. Brando ignores their leader's promises of power/idol threats and banishes them into a flying sheet of space glass. Sense, it makes not. But, you’ll learn more about those assholes in SUPERMAN II: A RICHARD DONNER JOINT. Brando, meanwhile, goes on to the day’s next agenda; trying to convince the council of floating heads that planet Krypt-Ten (as he calls it) is doomed to explode in an hour or some shit. Which makes me wonder if Brando might have had his priorities a little mixed up in dealing with a group of criminals BEFORE trying to warn the world of impending doom. Or, perhaps planet Kryp-Ten is just a bureaucratic wet-dream of agenda before rationality. Either way, sense it makes not. And by the way, why the Hell does Brando have a giant fucking S on his tunic?


Did they seriously think that we would not be able to figure out that this was Superman's father? Jesus, give us a little credit for Fucks sake.

So, long story short, Brando fails in his endeavor, but does manage to send out a single escape-pod carrying his son Kal-El along with a crystal dildo that contains all the knowledge of Kryp-Ten, into the deep reaches of space to a primitive little planet called Urth.

Flying through the outer reaches, little Supes grows into a toddler, all the while being instructed by an artificial version of his father about human morals, the facts of life, his impending powers and Einstein’s theory of relativity (as apparently our puny primitive planet was way ahead of the Kryp-Tenions on that shit--in your giant floating FACES!). After a bunch of acid-trippy effects, our hero eventually crash-lands his Christmas ornament space-pod in middle America and is rescued from an indecent exposure charge by a couple of Kents.



They adopt his naked alien ass and the film jumps 16 or so years.

“Clark” as he is now called, is a total dweeb. A dork, dufus and a real L7 weenie. But, he has his father’s hair-piece and is roguishly good looking, so he attracts a goofy looking girl with a gummy smile named Lana. This may seem trivial, and it is, but I wanted to mention it, as it begins a trend for Supes in taking interest in women far below his league. More on that Lane-r.

Anyways, Like any teenager would, Clark uses his powers for showing off and scoring pussy-points. Of course, Uncle Ben, or rather Pa Kent (same difference) sees Clark's act of hot-shittery and this leads to a touching heart-to-heart chat on how that's not the proper way to make people like you (even though it truly is). But, Clark takes the pep-talk to heart and it's a good thing too, ‘cuz Mr. Kent has a heart attack 10 seconds later. (Heart-to-Heart chat--get it now? Damn I'm clever).

All those powers, but Clark still couldn't prevent high cholesterol and old-age from afflicting his loved ones. Life just isn’t fair and Clark realizes as much during the funeral. After the sadness, Supes decides to venture forth to the gorgeous mat painting of the Arctic Circle (Why? No, idea.) but he takes Brando’s crystal dildo of knowledge, (that for some reason began to glow the night after Pa Kent’s funeral), with him. Reaching the top-o'-the-world, Clark throws the magical phallic stick into the frozen waters,(not sure what possessed him to do so, but maybe it started vibrating, and that scared him, I dunno?) and it creates a giant crystal palace, that harbors within it, the giant floating head of Brando. Making this even crazier is that fact that Clark couldn’t be less surprised by what he sees. Sense, it makes not.

Brando the Head then takes Clark on a journey to “break through the bonds of [Clark’s] earthly confinement.” and “Travel through time and space in the six known dimensions.” Whatever the fuck THAT means. And they proceed to fly years into the future in an after-school special through the cosmos. It takes 12 years and thus, Clark has successfully skipped past the 60’s, most likely been presumed dead by his Ma, and officially aged past his sexual prime. But, he did get a really nifty (gay) spandex suit and unlocked his powers to--well, he has a bunch more powers now. But again--sense, it makes not.


LOIS AND CLARK
Clark has done the impossible and transformed himself into an even bigger dufus then his teenage self. A hunky, charming, lovable dufus. And this is the cover that Supes has chosen to blend in with us silly humans. Just like David Carradine explains in KILL BILL, Superman chooses the disguise of a weak bumbling pussy, because this is how he views our race. And it’s pretty spot-on, but I still think a self-centered prick would have been a better choice for a human being. But who the fuck would want to read a comic book or see a movie about someone like that?


And, to his credit, Christopher Reeves makes for a damn fine Superman. Talk, dark and hansom, what more could you ask for? Well, a much better movie, sure, but Reeves did a pretty good job with what he had and I have to say that I liked him. Plus he fills out that spandex quite nicely. Not that I noticed or anything...

ANYways, Clark gets a job at the Daily Planet with his mad typing skills and meets this:

AHHHHHH! SAVE THE CHILDREN! KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!

It’s called Lois and is played by Margot Kidder. Margot seems like the next-door lady that your Mom pretends to be friends with, but pities behind closed doors. The kind of person that always smells like menthol cigarettes and hits on you even though you're only eight years old. So, in a way I kind of like her, but definitely not as Lois Lane. When I think of Lois, I think: Babe. Brainy, fast talker, a little self-centered sure, but defiantly: Babe. Like Script-Girl…


Yeah, now THERE’S a Lois Lane! But, you can’t pick who you fall in love with, or so that idiotic saying goes, and if Margot is who Supes wants to mate with, so be it. And, naturally, trouble sticks to Lois like herpes on a rock-star's dick and it’s Supes’ job to follow her around and heroically correct the chaos. It’s a lot like those FINAL DESTINATION movies, where death is always tweaking the circumstances to fuck with the chances of Lois's survival and Superman is the one constant always giving the finger to the grim-reaper’s plan. "Not today death, you vagabond!" Or maybe they just have her around to keep the ladies in the audience involved while their nerdy boyfriends geek out over a man in blue tights, I dunno?

----

Last edited by Rant; 05-18-2009 at 08:54 AM..
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  #2  
Old 05-18-2009, 12:56 AM

So, it’s been over an hour now, and aside from the 3 second, ‘Hey, I’m back from space-camp, check out my spandex’ shot--we still have yet to see Superman be Superman. Luckily, Death is on our side and causes a cable to break and tangle itself around Lois’s helicopter. But don’t worry, (or if you're like me--get too excited) Supes saves her.


After preventing Lois's final destination, Superman proceeds to cruise around the city stopping criminals, saving airplanes from crashing and yes, even getting a little girl’s kitty out of a tree. Awww… Much like TRANSFORMERS, this is where the film actually gets going, an hour in. Too bad the thrill of watching him in action is so short lived, as five minutes later it's time for more boring awkward relationship bullshit. But rather than bore you, or worse, bore myself, Lois’s role gets pretty much summed up with the flying scene, so I’ll skip ahead to that.

Superman shows up on Lois's balcony to do an interview, gets asked questions that dance around the subject of him having a penis and Lois's lingerie, (seriously) and ends with the couple going for a flight around the Statue of Liberty. I guess they flew all the way to New York City. Weird, as you'd think Metropolis would be quite impressive on its own, but I digress. The “Flight” scene not only buds the blossoming love these characters will share for one another, it also marks the beginning of a bunch of ridiculous horseshit. Now, while a bunch of nonsense has been happening this entire film, it was, until this sequence, all caused by alien influences, ergo: Superman, Brando’s crystal dildo and the magical alien space-glass. BUT, it is in this scene with Lois that goofy crap begins to happen with no explanation as to how it is occurring. For instance:



Anything wrong here? Now, had the filmmakers explained that when in the vicinity of Superman, gravity ceases to take effect, then I’d have little cause to be upset, but they didn’t. In fact, it is one of the few powers this Super-Schmuck does NOT posses. And nothing outside of this instance would suggest an audience assumption for that argument. So how the Hell is she floating like that!? It’s not centrifugal force, he’s not spinning her--so what the fuck? I know that most would say, “Who cares? It’s about the moment and falling in love, you asshole! Plus It’s just a special effects movie, based on a …blah blah blah” or as I call it, “The Transformers Defense”. But, fuck that, I want an explanation! This shit is inexcusably silly.

To make matters worse, Lois starts to recite terrible poetry in inner-monologue…


Can You Read My Mind?
by Lois Lane. Mrs. Fussmuckers Class, Grade 4


Can you read my mind?
Do you know what it is that you do to me?
I don’t know who you are…
Just a friend from another star.
Here I am , like a kid out of school…
Holding hands with a god--I’m a fool.
Will you look at me, quivering.
Like a little girl, shivering.
You can see right through me.
Can you read my mind?

And she’s supposed to be a Pulitzer Prize winner!?… Jesus wept.

Anyways, look--I’m totally fine with suspending disbelief on Superman himself, even the fact that people don’t recognize him 'cuz he has glasses on, but when you start changing the physics of our world, with no explanation, what’s stopping everyone from having powers and defying gravity, huh? Not to mention these two are miles and miles above Earth, so how the Hell is she not freezing, let alone able to breathe!? If there is nothing to support the phenomenon of these manipulated physics, you might as well make the nonsense fun. Like how about having a giant pink elephant fly up to the couple and try to strangle Lois with its trunk, then Superman has to arm-wrestle the beast, mid-air, for the right to leave with Lois? That would have at least been entertaining.


Google Image Search Is Amazing...


The only other point of interest in this sequence is that after her round trip flight, Lois comes up with the name ‘Superman’ for Earth’s new hero, as she found he was just such a swell guy! I have one small problem with this. WHY THE FUCK did he have a giant S on his chest and cape BEFORE this? Is the S a family crest in this version of Superman’s story? If so, they never explain it! Sense, this makes not!

Of course this has got nothing on the finale in the WTF department, but I’ll rant on that in a bit. For now, let me finish up with Lois.

Well, in summary--she’s kind-of a cunt. A shallow, fame-seeking, self-centered cooze with fucked-up teeth. It’s hard to understand what Clark likes about her. Maybe it’s pity, or his obsession with correcting the wrongs of the world that attracts him to such a train-wreck of a human being, but I don’t see the appeal. And thus, don’t care for her character, nor their relationship. On to part three.

ENTER THE HACK-MAN
Much like all bloated 2+ hour blockbusters, the villain of the movie doesn’t come into the picture until well beyond feature length. But, at least he is played by a good actor. Ladies and gentlemen, Gene Hackman.


Planning to commit the “Crime of the Century”, The Smartest Man In The World, Lex Luthor (GH), decides to take on the Hero of the Century, to make his diabolical deed--I dunno, more diabolical or something. All around, this guy makes pretty much no sense, but at least he is fun to watch.

Luthor uses his superior brain, deductive reasoning and Lois’s sub-par poetry (“Interview”) to deduce that since Superman is from Krypton and spent 3 years getting here, some meteorites that fell in Africa should kill him with radioactivity. Sense, it makes not. But, far be it from me to question Hack-Man’s intelligence and deduction skills, the man is clearly on another level of human evolution. Not only is he correct about the radioactive rocks from Kryp-Ten, but the man hasn’t aged in over 40 fucking years. Meanwhile Eastwood looks like Margot Kidder.


ewwwwwwwwwwwww!


Dubbing the radioactive rock, ‘Kryptonite’ in passing, Lex sets about his plan to ruin Superman’s weekend. But he won’t have to do it all alone, as he is joined by two minions, Otis (Ned ‘Squeal Like A Piggy’ Betty), a bumbling moron and Miss. Teschmacher (Valerie ‘Never Heard Of Her’ Perrine), a blond bimbo. Combined, this trio makes for an insufferable gaggle of nitwits. Think the Three Stooges, but not funny.

After some uninteresting shenanigans and off-screen museum heisting, Luthor hijacks some missile launch codes, scores some kryptonite and lures Supes to his lair--where he proceeds to poison him to death with the Kryptonite! No. Instead, Lex monologues his plans to send a missile into the San Andreas Fault, to cause a massive earthquake sending the state of California into the ocean, and thus making a new West Coast which he happens to own the land rights for!!!



Oh, but there’s more! A second missile is en route to--New Jersey…, OK? Sure. And now our hero is in a REAL pickle, because as Lex so maliciously puts it, “Even you, with your great speed, couldn’t stop both of them.” And oddly enough (because of what he does later…), Lex is right. Superman fails.

Perhaps if Superman had left at that moment to fly around and stop the destruction of California and Jersey, he would have had enough time, but for some weird reason he hangs out with a pout and looks around for the detonation device. He never finds it, but he does uncover the kryptonite. Apparently it was Luthor’s plan all along to have Superman stumble upon the rock haphazardly. What a criminal genius! And that's not sarcastic, this asinine idea worked, that's pretty amazing. But, instead of sticking around to make sure that the one person who would be able to foil his plans, dies. Luthor just leaves Superman in his swimming pool all pathetic and filled with human weakness.

If only Supes had an ounce of Batman’s intuition, keen detection skills or coolness, I think he could have avoided this predicament. But, alas, Supes has to rely on Miss. Teschmacher to free him. She does so willingly as it turns out her Mother lives in the very town in NJ that Lex selected to be destroyed and when she informed Lex about this (who of course chose the destination for this purpose), he just looks at his watch and shakes his head. What a dick!

Free of his radioactive bling, Superman makes for Jersey as he promised to save Miss. Teschmacher Sr. before his precious Lois. It appears he is also a (super)man of his word. Hmm, yes. It takes him a Hell of a long time to catch up to the thing, but he does and thus saves Jersey. Yay? Onto the west coast!

With odd or poorly executed editing, Superman makes it to California in less time than it took him to fly 1/10 of the distance to Jersey. Perhaps it was all the toll-booths? But, he makes it just in time to do--well, a bunch of Super stuff. Having missed the missile, he now has an opportunity to make up for his boo-boo by flying around and stopping the earth-shaking catastrophes it caused. It’s easily the best 5 or so minutes of the film.

A gas station explodes, Superman power lifts the tectonic plates of a 10 mile radius, he saves a school bus full of kids, make himself a human bridge for a train, saves a co-worker from falling to his doom and stops an exploded Hoover Dam’s unleashed water supply from drowning a small town, (I looked, but couldn’t spot the All-Spark, or Megatron in the rubble). He does all this!--but fails to rescue Lois from suffocating to death in a sinkhole. Well, you can’t win ‘em all, Clarky.

But then--in the craziest--stupidest--most nonsensical deus ex machina ending of the time (having since been dethroned by Richard Gere showing up at the end of PRETTY WOMAN to be with a whore)--Superman, in a fit of anger, flies around the world SO FAST and so MANY times--that he reverses the directional spin of the Earth, and thus turns back TIME ITSELF in order to be there to save Margot Kidder. Jesus--Titty-Fucking…



Before breaking this sequence down, lets take a look at ALL the powers of the Man of Steel…

Let’s see, well even though he has Super Strength, Super Speed, Super Dexterity, Super Agility, Super Senses, Super Intelligence, An Eidetic Memory, The Ability To Fly AND Invulnerability… he just doesn’t seem SUPER enough--hmm, well lets ROLL THE DICE AGAIN! Laser Eyesight, X-Ray Vision, Complete Control Over His Vocal Cords, Telescopic/Microscopic Vision and Freeze/Hurricane Breath. And while we’re at it, lets get rid of those pesky human-ish hindrances like eating, drinking, sleeping and breathing. And even THAT wasn't enough cannon for the screenwriters, oh no. They also added, a weird thing where Superman can magically morph in and out of his suit AND the ability to reverse time. Holy Shit. With all that crap, how does this guy EVER manage to be beaten? “Well, he has weaknesses,” you might say. OK, lets check those out.

Radioactive Rocks from his home planet and some forms of Magic. Wow. So now every time they want to put this guy in a life or death situation, it’s going to have to involve kryptonite or David Blaine. Riveting.

Alright, lets go back to the movie and Supes reversing time...

Lets start with his speed. OK, not 15 minutes before he reverses time by flying around the world, Superman was struggling to catch up to a missile. So much so, that he was unable to stop a second one from causing a devastating earthquake. But now, all-of-a-sudden, he can fly around the world in literally of a second? Where the fuck is the continuity here? Did anyone making this stop and say, “Hey, Richard!--Um, this shit doesn’t make any sense, buddy.” Maybe, but they where ignored and weren’t asked back to crew on THE GOONIES.

Next, stopping the Earth’s rotation. If this happened, everything on the face of the entire fucking planet would shoot off the ground like a fucking bullet. OK? Try finding Lois’s body amongst the billions of creatures now rocketing through deep space. Enjoy that. But, no--this doesn’t happen, because in context with FUCKING NOTHING! The laws of gravity and physics cease to exist when it makes for a neato looking scene.

Rewinding Time. Why would this be the result of reversing the Earth’s rotation? Can someone explain this thought process? Who’s idea was this and why weren’t they laughed out of the writer's room? That would be like walking out of the hotel room backwards to negate the hour spent with a hooker so you don’t have to pay. Try explaining this logic to a pissed off pimp.



If Superman can suddenly reverse time ANY time he jolly-well feels like it, how the Hell could he possibly ever fail at anything. He couldn’t, ergo--why the fuck bother writing, reading or watching anything to do with him? And if he chooses NOT to do this again (though we know he does), how could he dare feel sad or defeated about anything? Uncle Ben once said, “With great power, comes great responsibility.” Yeah, well in Superman’s case, “With UNDEFEATABLE, UNDISPUTED and ULTIMATE power, comes one boring ass character.” SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE’s version of Supes is now completely impervious to events. How fucking lame and over-powered is that? The only thing that might stand a chance on Movie Supes--tooth decay.

Say, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!


Even his name is bland. Well, he’s super--and a man--let’s call him Superman. Good-one. Fuck.

Alright, back to the movie. A funny thing happens when Supes time travels back for Lois. Nothing. Apparently the effects of Superman’s reversal of the space-time continuum, begins and ends with Lois’s car. Quite convenient that he didn’t have to go back and save all those people again isn’t? BAD WRITING.

And that’s about it. Supes collects Lex and Otis (off-screen), drops them off at prison and flies off into the credits. ~FIN~

But, as boring as the character of Superman is, the film doesn’t feel like a complete time vampire. Sure, it does run long, but it’s strangely entertaining. The main problem I have with it, is that it is so fucking stupid and nonsensical. Again, I’m willing to accept that belief must be suspended to invest in the character and have some fun, but I shouldn’t have to open a fucking hole in my head. It’s like the filmmakers said “fuck making sense, add all the floating-head, crystal-dildo, physics-nullifying, time-travel bullshit you can think of! This is SUPERMAN! And the Fans won’t care as long as there are pretty colors! ” And they were right.

So, in closing--did the usually great Richard Donner really deliver the worst superhero flick ever? No. Mark Steven Johnson did that. Twice. But, it’s close. And everyone seems to agree that DAREDEVIL and GHOST RIDER are dog-shit, so it’s the unabashed love for SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE that I don’t understand and will condemn until someone out there makes a film about Superman that isn’t cheesy, boring or fucking ridiculous. And don’t say “Not, Possible”, because Bruce Wayne's story is about dressing up as a Bat and fighting crime with a gadget belt, and THE DARK KNIGHT was a damn good movie. So, maybe someday, someone will do the character justice(league), but until then I’ll stick to a REAL Super-Man…



Yeah, Now THAT’S A God Damn Hero.

~RANT


P.Ass. As always, if you dig my writing--or think it sucks, I'd appreciate it if you let me know. Also, if you're one of my Thumbs-Up readers, click my name, and make a friend outta me. Peace and Love Hippies.

Last edited by Rant; 05-18-2009 at 10:54 AM..
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  #3  
Old 05-18-2009, 01:09 AM
Well, damn! After reading your review, I seriously don't know whether of not I like the film anymore.

In honesty, I enjoy the Donner Cut of Superman II a lot better, but I still dig Superman: The Motion Picture-- it definitely has it's pacing issues though. I haven't seen it in about three years though, so there's that.

I agree 100% on Margot Kidder. Jesus Christ, she's a terrible Louise Lane. However, Script Girl? Seriously dude? I think that you know that you were thinking solely with your man-appendage on that one. (but I don't blame you... damn! )

Another great review that I'm puttin' on the fuckin' favorites!

Last edited by FireCaptain4; 05-18-2009 at 01:20 AM..
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  #4  
Old 05-18-2009, 01:23 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by FireCaptain4 View Post
Script Girl? Seriously dude? I think that you know that you were thinking with your man-appendage on that one. (but I don't blame you... damn! )

Another great review that I'm puttin' on the fuckin' favorites!
~ZIP~ Huh, I'm sorry what?

Thanks man, glad you dug it. I feel bad, I didn't have time to check out the Star Trek flicks along with you on your review page, but I'm diggin your work as well. I'll make sure to get my ass over there and post a bit.
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  #5  
Old 05-18-2009, 01:52 AM
Love Superman: The Movie. One of my favorite films of all time.
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  #6  
Old 05-18-2009, 09:02 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterTwister View Post
Love Superman: The Movie. One of my favorite films of all time.
I'm glad, but the question mark in the thread title was rhetorical.
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  #7  
Old 05-18-2009, 09:05 AM
I love the movie. Loved it since I was a kid. I still think it holds up well. I like how they explain the origin story, how Krypton was blown to bits, Clark having to deal with his powers as a teen, and how he became Superman. My favorite scene in the movie is Clark rescuing Lois in the helicopter; I thought Donner directed it perfectly with the crowd below cheering alongside the viewer. I liked Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor, and Superman saving the day at the end.

It's one of my favorite superhero/comic book movies.
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  #8  
Old 05-18-2009, 09:37 AM
I could care less what anyone else thinks, this movie is still one of my favorites.
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  #9  
Old 05-18-2009, 10:53 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brendan M. View Post
I could care less what anyone else thinks, this movie is still one of my favorites.
Well, if you COULD care less, then I guess there is still hope.
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  #10  
Old 05-18-2009, 12:50 PM
That was an awesome write-up made even better with the props to Google Images!
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  #11  
Old 05-18-2009, 04:24 PM
I have to agree with your review, Rant. I mean, everything's going fairly well (sure, they seem to think that the audience are a bunch of morons - an 'S' on Brando as well? Come on!) until they introduce the spinning around the earth thing. It's all fucked after that. There is no more mystery or suspense if he can just change everything back whenever he wants. Fucking lame.

I agree on liking the Donner cut of part 2 as well. Not great movies, but that one is definitely the superior cut.
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  #12  
Old 05-18-2009, 04:38 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kain424 View Post
. . . until they introduce the spinning around the earth thing. It's all fucked after that. There is no more mystery or suspense if he can just change everything back whenever he wants. Fucking lame.
It's not so much that he can do it, it's that he did do it even though it was against his father's orders. "It is forbidden for you to interfere with human history." I think it shows that Superman was willing to disobey his father for Lois and only Lois. He didn't do it before then, while everything was going to hell, the water was gushing, Jimmy was in trouble, and so on and so forth. But once he was unable to save Lois, he went against his father's wishes.
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  #13  
Old 05-18-2009, 05:24 PM
Rant why must you make me so sad. The original Superman is one of the best in the genre.
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  #14  
Old 05-18-2009, 05:31 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by BubbaStrangelove View Post
That was an awesome write-up made even better with the props to Google Images!
Thanks man, wasn't sure which side of this one you where going to throw-down with--but you made the right one.

It truly is amazing. Elephant Superman--Bingo. I love the internets.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bigred760 View Post
It's not so much that he can do it, it's that he did do it even though it was against his father's orders. "It is forbidden for you to interfere with human history." I think it shows that Superman was willing to disobey his father for Lois and only Lois. He didn't do it before then, while everything was going to hell, the water was gushing, Jimmy was in trouble, and so on and so forth. But once he was unable to save Lois, he went against his father's wishes.
And that means... what? I understand that this is what happens, but why does it matter that it was against his father's wishes, or that it was "forbidden"? Does he get reprimanded for doing it? What was at stake, that is now lost because of his disobedience to a dead floating head? This still seems like nonsense to me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LordSimen View Post
Rant why must you make me so sad.
Dry your eyes, it'll OK.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LordSimen View Post
The original Superman is one of the best in the genre.
Why's that?

Last edited by Rant; 05-18-2009 at 05:34 PM..
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  #15  
Old 05-18-2009, 05:37 PM
Because it's a fantastic movie. What more of a reason do you need? It's also the blueprint for all the best superhero films ever made.
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  #16  
Old 05-18-2009, 05:37 PM
Wrong. Superman is pretty darn good. Dated, yes, but so is every effects driven movie of the 70s, including Star Wars.

My favorite part of the movie is when the little girl tells her mom that Superman saved her cat from a tree, the mom says something like "What did I tell you about lying?!" and SLAPS the little girl (offscreen)... hilarious.

I never had a problem with the turning back time sequence. Logically, it makes no sense, but it was the best way to explain visually how Superman would literally turn back time to save the woman he loved.

For real superhero awfulness, go watch Spawn or Captain America.
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  #17  
Old 05-18-2009, 05:47 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Badbird View Post
Wrong. Superman is pretty darn good. Dated, yes, but so is every effects driven movie of the 70s, including Star Wars.
I never mentioned any problems with it being dated. I realize that the effects were top-notch at the time, so how could I? My issues are purely with the terrible story, inconsistent continuity, goofy acting and ridiculous deus ex machina plot-points.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Badbird View Post
For real superhero awfulness, go watch Spawn or Captain America.
SPAWN was pretty shitty, but it's been ten years since I watched it, so I really couldn't fairly compare. And as for CAPTAIN AMERICA--How dare you insult our Country's Finest Hero in time of War!? For shame! And to be completely honest, I think that CA and SUPERMAN are on the same ring of the crap-ladder. I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry. That's the way I feel.

Last edited by Rant; 05-18-2009 at 06:05 PM..
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  #18  
Old 05-18-2009, 05:55 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by LordSimen View Post
Because it's a fantastic movie. What more of a reason do you need? It's also the blueprint for all the best superhero films ever made.
So your argument on why SUPERMAN is one of the best in the genre, is that it's a fantastic movie... That's like saying I like Oreos, 'Cuz Cookies Are Delicious. OK, sure you like them, and cookies can be delicious, but that doesn't explain why? What is it that makes it the "best" and so "fantastic"? This is what I need, 'cuz as you read above, I'm not seeing it. But, I will agree that it is the blueprint, and I think that is largely why most Superhero films suck nuggets. PUNISHER (1989) withstanding.

Last edited by Rant; 05-18-2009 at 05:57 PM..
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  #19  
Old 05-18-2009, 06:02 PM
I do like to read your threads, Rant. They really are very amusing.

I just wish you brought the same humour to your replies.

They seem...sardonic, and lack the satire that made the first post so funny.

For what it is worth, I don't care for any of the Superman films.

Who cares - Blue Velvet just started.
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  #20  
Old 05-18-2009, 06:02 PM
Oreos are good because they are delicious... I'm afraid I'm not understanding your comparison there, because if someone asked me that same question I'd answer it the same way, because it's the truth.

But here, let me explain why. Superman did for the Superhero genre what Star Wars did for the Science Fiction genre. It took itself seriously, had strong, well put together characters who the audience cared about, built relationships around those characters, managed to truly make the audience believe that a man could fly and on top of all that managed to humanize a character that most at the time thought were completely above humanity. It's simply a great film, and is the basis for the best superhero flicks ever made, hands down.
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  #21  
Old 05-18-2009, 06:16 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by LordSimen View Post
But here, let me explain why. Superman did for the Superhero genre what Star Wars did for the Science Fiction genre. It took itself seriously, had strong, well put together characters who the audience cared about, built relationships around those characters, managed to truly make the audience believe that a man could fly and on top of all that managed to humanize a character that most at the time thought were completely above humanity.
Aside from taking itself seriously, I agree.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LordSimen View Post
It's simply a great film...
Disagreed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LordSimen View Post
...and is the basis for the best superhero flicks ever made...
Agreed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LordSimen View Post
...hands down.
Disagreed--PUNISHER (1989), SUPERMAN had nothing to do with that. In a good way, 'cuz it's the best Superhero movie ever made.

And as for the oreos being good, because cookies are good--it's just being redundant, which is what I thought of your original argument. But this post was much more clear and backed your statements well. Cheers.
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  #22  
Old 05-18-2009, 06:23 PM
Rant, I enjoyed the write up. I too find that Superman is filled with many faults. The best thing about it is Christopher Reeve. And of course, John Williams' score.

I thought I'd turn you onto a short I directed, in which this film becomes a topic of discussion between two guys working at a movie theater:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/c15...e-of-admission

Last edited by Cop No. 633; 05-18-2009 at 06:26 PM..
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  #23  
Old 05-18-2009, 06:30 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Reigh Kaufman View Post
I do like to read your threads, Rant. They really are very amusing.

I just wish you brought the same humour to your replies.

They seem...sardonic, and lack the satire that made the first post so funny.


Well, I apologize for my posts being "characterized by bitter or scornful derision; mocking; cynical; sneering:" But, dude, my name IS Rant. I mean, what were you expecting...

BWHAAAA WHAAAA BWHAAAAA WHAAAA!!!
"THE TRANSFORMERS DEFENSE" DETECTED--HYPOCRITE ALERT!
BWHAAAA WHAAAA BWHAAAAA WHAAAA!!!


I'll let your Ten-Cent words of hatred slide this time Kauf-Man, but shall you insult the integrity of my responses again, I fear it may come to a round of fist-a-cuffs.

---
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  #24  
Old 05-18-2009, 06:45 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rant View Post


Well, I apologize for my posts being "characterized by bitter or scornful derision; mocking; cynical; sneering:" But, dude, my name IS Rant. I mean, what were you expecting...

BWHAAAA WHAAAA BWHAAAAA WHAAAA!!!
"THE TRANSFORMERS DEFENSE" DETECTED--HYPOCRITE ALERT!
BWHAAAA WHAAAA BWHAAAAA WHAAAA!!!


I'll let your Ten-Cent words of hatred slide this time Kauf-Man, but shall you insult the integrity of my responses again, I fear it may come to a round of fist-a-cuffs.

---
See, what I meant to say, but had to be sure, was that you post threads which use humour as a camouflage for your disdain (that's a dime word right there) for the people who actually like the movies you are discussing. Once you have set the "bait", you then set about openly criticizing the opinions of the Schmoes who enjoy the movies you hate.

(The biggest clue was when you called someone's opinion redundant, by the way...just a little heads-up if you want to pursue this line of subversive Trolling).

It's very clever, but we've all seen your type before and...frankly, Mr. Shankly, there are many, many people better at it than you.

Transparent and, sad to say, your mixing ambition with capability with me, sunshine.

Stick to mocking fans of Epic Movie and Hotel for Dogs.

Sleepy now. Must go.

Ta-ta.
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  #25  
Old 05-18-2009, 06:46 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by CosmicPuppet View Post
Rant, I enjoyed the write up. I too find that Superman is filled with many faults. The best thing about it is Christopher Reeve. And of course, John Williams' score.
Totally.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CosmicPuppet View Post
I thought I'd turn you onto a short I directed, in which this film becomes a topic of discussion between two guys working at a movie theater:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/c15...e-of-admission
HAHAHA!!! Holy Shit! That guy's like a skinny me!--They angry guy, not the fat guy, I'm not fatter than the fat guy...

He even had some of the same arguments, that's awesome. That skit is pretty much what I live through each day, only I work at a video store, as opposed to a theater, and instead of cutting down one guys interests, I cut down a lot of people's interests. Good stuff, thanks for posting that.

Which reminds me, I intended to post a link with the original post, but forgot. I'm sure most of you have seen or heard of these guys, but this one is especially funny and about this movie. Check it out.

Villains ARE Stupid.

---
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  #26  
Old 05-18-2009, 07:02 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Reigh Kaufman View Post
See, what I meant to say, but had to be sure, was that you post threads which use humour as a camouflage for your disdain (that's a dime word right there) for the people who actually like the movies you are discussing. Once you have set the "bait", you then set about openly criticizing the opinions of the Schmoes who enjoy the movies you hate.

(The biggest clue was when you called someone's opinion redundant, by the way...just a little heads-up if you want to pursue this line of subversive Trolling).

It's very clever, but we've all seen your type before and...frankly, Mr. Shankly, there are many, many people better at it than you.

Transparent and, sad to say, your mixing ambition with capability with me, sunshine.

Stick to mocking fans of Epic Movie and Hotel for Dogs.

Sleepy now. Must go.

Ta-ta.
I like you. You call people on their bullshit.

But I think it's a little unfair to call my snobbery "trolling", as I'm not going onto threads where people are talking about movies I don't like and posting nasty comments. I would never do that. This is my thread. If someone doesn't like what I'm bitching about, they don't have to put up with me. And, sure, I'll call someone stupid for liking something that I don't, but I never thought that I was being subversive about it.

Plus, I think that most of the people that respond to me, pretty much know that I'm an opinionated prick, so I doubt the replies I give come to much of a shock. I don't intend to hurt others feelings though, and I don't write reviews to "bait" people. I just like to argue movies against the popular consensus. And yeah, there are a lot of people better at doing what it is I like to do, but there isn't much I can do about that, except keep working on getting better. And it's comments like yours that I look forward to, yet rarely receive, that help me to do so. And if you have any serious pointers for me, I'd be glad to receive them.

BUT, I've never mocked fans of EPIC MOVIE nor HOTEL FOR DOGS, as why bother, they mock themselves. Plus, I have Chuck Norris as Uncle Sam for my avatar and Care Bears II listed as my favorite movie, anyone thinking that I am 100% serious here deserves to be made fun of. All-be-it, poorly by your standards.

Thanks for the ass-raping, cheers.

EDIT: "Mr. Shankly"? Is this a reference or are you just taunting me like the "sunshine" thing?

---

Last edited by Rant; 05-18-2009 at 07:24 PM.. Reason: Forgot to Ask...
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  #27  
Old 05-18-2009, 07:45 PM
I honestly couldn't make it through this review, just here to throw more praise to one of my favorite films.
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  #28  
Old 05-19-2009, 12:37 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rant View Post
And that means... what? I understand that this is what happens, but why does it matter that it was against his father's wishes, or that it was "forbidden"? Does he get reprimanded for doing it? What was at stake, that is now lost because of his disobedience to a dead floating head? This still seems like nonsense to me.
It means I liked that part of the story. It means he didn't consider doing it until after Lois had died. He could've done it anytime, he can do it anytime, but he only does it to save the woman he loves. That's called character. I like that in a movie.
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  #29  
Old 05-19-2009, 06:38 PM
I rarely read the REVIEW sections but i checked it out for being bored and saw the title of what i've been saying most of my life "Superman 1978= A terrible comic film" And finally someone agrees. Its not a good sign when at 6 years old of age i would fall asleep the first hour then watch the action parts in disbelief. THey should've called the catch phrase "You'll Believe This Will Be Boring" but still, i enjoy other superman flicks but i cant seem to watch this the whole through to this day.

And also RANT, your reviews are really good. Had me laughing the whole time. Very good.
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  #30  
Old 05-26-2009, 08:48 AM
Love to read a review that shares most of my opinions on this movie. It was totally boring, hated Lois... I remember watching part 3 and yelling stay with Lana!!! As well as Hackman acted, he was more of a bumbling doofus than evil criminal mastermind. Just as with the last Superman, the whole crystal storyline is just dumb. And dont even get me started on the whole spinning the world backwards. But hey, I enjoyed both Daredevil and Transformers!!! Cant say the same about Ghost Rider though.
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  #31  
Old 05-26-2009, 10:12 AM
Pretty enjoyable review. Still love the hell out of the movie though and this just made me want to watch it again
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