#1  
Old 06-30-2009, 07:25 PM
The Poetry Thread

I know that some of you write poetry. Post your stuff here. NOTE: I would like this thread to be used for discussing each other's poetry. Don't just post something and run off. Give each other feedback.

Here is something I just wrote.

WERE IT NOT

Were it not for the walls
There would be nothing to climb
Over head, under hand
This truth is self-evident
Were it not for contempt
There would be nothing to reflect

If God sees everything,
Then why are we still here?

The mortar is fresh
And were it not for the ground
There would be nothing to catch

Eyewitness son
Were it not for grace
There would be nothing to fall from

If God sees everything,
Then why are we still here?

The holy ghost is in lockstep
With the grout and the swill
Were it not for faith
There would be nothing to kill
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  #2  
Old 06-30-2009, 07:51 PM
Your opening verse is perfect and I almost feel like everything thereafter is overcomplicated and unnecessarily obscure. I like the simplicity and honesty in your initial words.

My judgement is only based on a personal preference. You clearly have real ability.

I am currently writing a children's story (it rhymes) but it's a little too silly and unfinished to post here.
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  #3  
Old 07-01-2009, 06:42 PM
Too silly for JoBlo.com?

Thanks for the feedback. I might post more if other schmoes participate.

C'mon, guys...don't be shy!
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  #4  
Old 07-01-2009, 06:55 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by countchocula View Post
Too silly for JoBlo.com?

Thanks for the feedback. I might post more if other schmoes participate.

C'mon, guys...don't be shy!
I haven't written any poems in about a year and a half. I would post one of those if I had any idea where they were... So there are my reasons for not participating.
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  #5  
Old 07-01-2009, 06:56 PM
Silly poem removed. Trying to come up with something a little more appropriate.

Last edited by BadCoverVersion; 07-02-2009 at 04:41 AM..
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  #6  
Old 07-01-2009, 07:38 PM
I love and have the highest appreciation for poetry. I attend Poetry Nights on campus every once in awhile and I've gone to a Poetry Slam or two. However, I don't have a poetic bone in my body and really stinks.

BadCoverVersion: It may be because I haven't had much time to read in awhile since I've been crunching calculus and trigonometry for the past week or so, but I genuinely think that's some of the best material I've read in quite some time. You've certainly got a way with words and plenty of imagination.
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  #7  
Old 07-01-2009, 07:44 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by FireCaptain4 View Post
IBadCoverVersion: It may be because I haven't had much time to read in awhile since I've been crunching calculus and trigonometry for the past week or so, but I genuinely think that's some of the best material I've read in quite some time. You've certainly got a way with words and plenty of imagination.
Amen.

It's brilliant.
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  #8  
Old 07-01-2009, 10:11 PM
I wrote when I was 13:

Benediction

The slaughtered saint rests,
his side pierced, the eyes gaze down
with sorrow on His breast.

Abba Father turns away to frown.

"Father, why have you forsaken me?"
"I turn my back from this time here,
so you may rise above, your soul be free."

Still He hangs, the darkness near.
The dark consumes the crowd of sins.
A blanket wet with weight of hate.

Cup holds blood of the fallen lamb.
A savior to some, but for some too late.
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  #9  
Old 07-02-2009, 04:39 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by FireCaptain4 View Post
BadCoverVersion: It may be because I haven't had much time to read in awhile since I've been crunching calculus and trigonometry for the past week or so, but I genuinely think that's some of the best material I've read in quite some time. You've certainly got a way with words and plenty of imagination.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Reigh Kaufman View Post
Amen.

It's brilliant.
Wow! Thanks for the kind words. I'm actually going to remove it now until it's a little more polished and I might post something more highbrow in it's place (if I can manage it).

My plan is a series of books called Animal Ambitions...all about various creatures with individual dreams and aspirations. Capers ensue of course.

Reading my Son stories every night has prompted me to give it a go. It helps that his Father is a very imaginative artist, so it will be a nice collaboration.
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  #10  
Old 07-04-2009, 04:13 PM
Nice thread idea Count. I decided to post lyrics I wrote for a song I did in a creative writing class. Italics are the chorus, the bold is the bridge.

Hold Your Breath

Headlights pointing at the dawn
racing to the ledge
Feel I waited long enough
now there’s nothing left

Strap on your torn safety belt
if only for a laugh
Until we fly than I know what is
you better hold your breath

A kiss before the fall
Just try to make it sweet
If we can stand the crash
I won’t say never again


Broken up to tiny pieces
we add up to a mess
From far away, we look okay
it’s now a work of art

But once inside, it’s hard to find
a meaning to the dots
The secret lies in passing time
when age strips off the gloss

A kiss before the fall
Just try to make it sweet
If we should stand the crash
I won’t say never again

Push the brake
Or let it go


The breaking glass is in my eyes
it bathes your face in red
Your wicked smile, it punctures me
it’s not letting me breathe

You enjoy this more than sex
drowning in our love
One of us will have to sink
I hope that you can swim

A kiss before the fall
Just try to make it sweet
If we should stand the crash
I won’t say never again
I won’t say never again
I won’t say never again
I won’t say never again
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  #11  
Old 07-05-2009, 06:18 PM
Cool tune, Cosmic. Sounds like something I'd hear on the radio. I loved Creative Writing class in high school. I would always enjoy disturbing my classmates, especially the cheerleaders.

I might try writing something in a bit.
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  #12  
Old 07-05-2009, 06:30 PM
Um, I wrote this in 60 seconds. Just an experiment. No title yet.

Rape oil, colorfast clit
Strong arm the severed grip
Wintergreen, vinegar press
Bloodshot teeth, the gauze guess
Mezzanine

You've got my vote
You've got my vote

Third draft, first-time offender
And this is what I'll send her
Suicide in a sippy cup
She's the most, that one
I'm fucked
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  #13  
Old 07-05-2009, 09:34 PM
I've been interested in trying out poetry the last couple of weeks (or months. My memory's all effed up lately.), but I know that I'm not talented enough to do anything worth while. What you guys have done is all excellent though, good job everybody!
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  #14  
Old 07-06-2009, 08:49 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by g1ng3rsnap9ed View Post
I've been interested in trying out poetry the last couple of weeks (or months. My memory's all effed up lately.), but I know that I'm not talented enough to do anything worth while. What you guys have done is all excellent though, good job everybody!
Anyone can write it. It literally takes no skill, this I can vouch for based on my poetry writing class from college. I'm only a fan if it's funny (for the most part).

Here's an amusing sonnet I did for class (my teacher was dumbfounded, as if no one had ever taken the most boring poem ever and made it into something funny):

“Bathroom Pleasantries”


O, shampoo and conditioner in one
You make life so easy and neat.
Lather, rinse and repeat until done,
Could anything in life be more sweet?

Hark, is that my electric toothbrush I hear?
Blasting those plaque casing germs to death.
It’s comforting to know you are so near
To ensure that I always have good breath.

Ah, Mr. Razor, are you ready for shave?
Some offending stubble is gaining ground.
But with help of the cream, you help save
My skin, leaving it smooth, safe and sound.

Now I can face the world, feeling fresh as strawberries.
Oh thank heaven for my bathroom pleasantries!



This is my favorite, because it's insane:

"Lunch"

High School Cafeteria.
They stood in the line like cattle
waiting to be slaughtered.
The line moved slower
than a constipated snail.
The jock tried to cut in line.
The hippy art student complained.
The jock‘s reply?
A jacked face
that would heal in time.
The hippy stood
and pulled out the glock.
A jacked face that would not heal.
EVER.
A death.
A detention.
A suspension.
An expulsion.
A conviction.
An escape.
A killer on the loose.
Lunch!
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  #15  
Old 07-08-2009, 12:06 PM
Bathroom Pleasantries was awesome, Badbird. It made my so-far otherwise boring day a little more tolerable.
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  #16  
Old 07-08-2009, 07:13 PM
I actually prefer "Lunch." It's pretty fucking rad. You've done for lunch what Hitchcock did for showers.

Here is the first poem/lyric in a series of fourteen pieces. Once I've written all of them, I'll explain the meaning behind it all. It's my version of a concept album. There will be accompanying images. Think of it as an online CD jacket without...well, a CD. Any and all feedback is much appreciated.

"Et"

He dressed for the occasion
That's all he had to do
Fell into a dreamcatcher
Rewarded for posturing in the right place
With the right lines

Given the most charitable gift
Deserving or not
Outliving those in the want
Deserving or not

She had already made up her mind
The jester's pleasantries won over to another's avail
The intellect's adages won over to another's avail
The poet's rhymes of regard won over to another's avail

Given the most charitable gift
Deserving or not
Outliving those in the want
Deserving or not

Preoccupied, for granted the fortune taken
The ill-starred and the star-crossed make way
For the besotted and the betrothed
For nothing condemned in the want
For granted the fortune taken
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  #17  
Old 07-08-2009, 07:19 PM
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