Old 04-04-2010, 02:46 PM
Opinons on first part of a script

Be honest, if it sucks, tell me. I don't wanna finish something realizing that I probably fucked up in some other part. But anyways, tell me what you think of this because i've been pretty iffy, also tell me what to improve on if there are any problems (copy and pasted it.)

[Jerry sitting in a back room. The light is on as he is focused on writing on his notepad.]

(Singing to himself silently) And the river…the river

[Jerry taps the pencil eraser on his notepad.]

The river…fuck.

[Jerry closes the notepad with disappointment and puts the notepad and the pencil on the ground. He takes off his glasses to rub his eyes, he drops his glasses purposely and sits there tapping the back of his pencil on the notepad.]

[David’s boss opens the door revealing light from the café and outside Jerry’s boss is confused at the sight of Jerry sitting on the ground.]

Jerry’s Boss:
Kid, what the fuck are ya doing back here? Your break ended three minutes ago. C’mon, lets go.

[Jerry grabs his notepad and pencil and gets up off the ground. He goes to the door where he sees his boss holding it for him.]

Jerry’s Boss:

[Jerry leaves the room and goes behind the register. He puts his notepad and pencil on a shelf behind the register. Jerry notices the café is empty. He looks around at the people outside. Jerry’s boss notices him and confronts him. He is already next to him.]

Jerry’s Boss:
It’s Friday kid, you can enjoy your life whatever it is you do at 4:30. But for now, you gotta get your head in the shop.

[Jerry’s boss walks away and sits at a table where he looks at files. He opens one and focuses on it and reading it.]

Why exactly do I have to work until 4:30? No one comes in this fuckin place anyways. And it’s not helping [raising his arm pointing outside] we got fuckin Starbucks just around the corner from here. I mean shit.

[Jerry lowers his arm. Jerry’s boss puts down the file and looks at Jerry.]

Jerry’s Boss:
You complain too much kid.

And why do you always call me kid? I have a name.

Jerry’s Boss:
[Raising his voice.] Yeah, I know you have a fuckin name! I know you have a fuckin name, why the fuck wouldn’t you think I know that?!

[Jerry’s boss rises from the seat with anger walks over to the register looking at Jerry.]

Jerry’s Boss:
So shut the fuck up little girl and get back to work. I mean Jesus Christ, all you fuckin do is sit in the back room on your break, and write in that fuckin notepad of yours! What would you honestly do if I let you off right now?! Go home and order a pizza! Sit alone in the dark as you jerk yourself to sleep?! Your pathetic life is no worse than in here! So shut the fuck up, and get back to work! I mean no wonder that cunt broke up with you!
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Old 04-04-2010, 08:17 PM
First thing you should probably do is go read a couple of professional screenplays. Many can be found online, even on this site. You've got some pretty significant formatting issues going on.

Respect for the Oldboy name, though.
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Old 04-04-2010, 10:30 PM
There's not a lot here, but it doesn't suck. I'd be able to judge more if it were formatted correctly.


You can find a lot here. Just read a lot of them. And then just keep writing to get the hang of it.
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Old 04-09-2010, 01:59 AM
I agree with the others. There are formatting issues that you should fix and reading professional scripts or even amateur ones to familiarize yourself with all things screenplay writing.

Also, some of the dialogue doesnt seem natural. It doesn't really flow right. And some of the cursing doesnt seem necessary.

But there is surely some potential.
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