Old 03-11-2011, 04:56 PM
Nikos the Impaler (2003)

From Worst. Blog. EVER.

Nikos the Impaler is a gore extravaganza from Andreas Schnaas, a German "filmmaker" who is most "well known" (and I'm using these terms loosely, people) for his ultra-low-budget, shot-on-video, basically homemade Violent Shit gorefests.
Many moons ago I watched the original Violent Shit and, to say the least, was not impressed. There was no plot or characters to speak of, just a crazy guy wandering around brutally butchering random interchangeable people whom he happened to come across. Note that Violent Shit was not a "fun" gorefest at all - in fact there was nothing "fun" about it. The whole thing was completely humorless and uncompromisingly bleak and brutal. I think fellow Schmo and reviewer countchocula said it best in his review of Violent Shit: "Schnaas ignores all instincts to camp up his schlocker with fun-loving characters and jocose dialogue. Shit is as bleak as bleak can be. I wasn’t prepared for such cold nihilism. The gore didn’t shock me, but the film’s uncompromisingly downcast mood raped my receptors".

Well, I am happy to report that Nikos the Impaler is a polar opposite to Violent Shit. Nikos is about as campy and goofy as a splatter flick can get...and all the better for it!
Make no mistake people: this is not a good movie. But it's a GREAT bad movie! You get me?
It is shot on video, but at least it's much higher-quality video than Schnaas' earlier "work". The gore effects are great, albeit in an unrealistic, over-the-top kind of way. But considering the movie's minuscule budget (reportedly $65,000), they're phenomenal. And in all seriousness, the acting is surprisingly good too! Considering that all the actors and actresses here were no doubt recruited from community theater or the drama department of the local college, almost everyone does a good job.
The only "notable" cast member is Felissa Rose, of Sleepaway Camp "fame". And now a word about Felissa Rose. I love her! I had a huge crush on her as a kid after seeing her in Sleepaway Camp....which, I know, is REALLY weird when taking that movie's ending into consideration. Probably says a lot about my horribly fractured psyche...but hey, whatever! Felissa looks great all grown up...not great in a glossy movie star kind of way, but great in an everyday-normal-person-you-might-run-into kind of way. She has a few really funny moments here and holds her own very well, even though she's never really given much to do except run away from Nikos, scream, and have the occasional sarcastic exchange with the male lead.

Here's the story: Nikos was a brutal marauder from ancient Romania. His mask is being held at an art museum in New York City. During an exhibit at the museum, some idiot thief tries to rob the place, a security guard shoots him, and the thief falls against a crate holding Nikos' mask. The thief's blood drips onto the mask and, faster than you can say Hellraiser , the blood resurrects Nikos. The ancient warrior then basically stomps around aimlessly, brutally massacring anyone who gets in his way for the rest of the movie.

Nikos the Impaler basically has an Act One, an Act Two, and an Act Three. I will briefly examine each Act, and tell you my favorite scene from each.

Act One has a group of random, mismatched people trapped in the art gallery while Nikos begins his killing spree. We briefly get to know these peeps before the killing begins. There's a really cool college professor (the kind that only exist in movies), some college students, a stuck-up art critic and some weird wooly-haired guy that he is apparently friends with, a stupid old couple, a stereotypical gay couple (you know they're gay because they wear matching black turtlenecks and say 'honey' a lot), some security guards, yadda yadda yadda. Well anyway, once Nikos awakens he slaughters all of them except for a couple survivors who escape out into the city, setting the stage for Act Two.
I want to say that Act One really reminded me of Bava's Demons, with the random people trapped in the art gallery together trying to escape while bickering amongst themselves. There are a lot of really good kills here as well, a couple of them being direct homages to classic gore scenes from Anthropophagous and Michele Soavi's Stage Fright. And, in turn, a couple of the killings from THIS movie were later rehashed in some American horror flicks like the House Of Wax remake and Adam Green's recent Hatchet II.
Favorite Scene from Act One: Before the movie switches locations to the museum, we see the college professor teaching his class. Now, I don't know what college this is supposed to be, but I certainly hope the tuition is cheap seeing as how the students are sitting on fold-out metal chairs with no desks. During this scene, we meet the two "cool guys" in class. We know they're "cool" because they joke around and hit on women. Anyways, for some ungodly reason the two of them are obsessed with getting into this ugly nerdy girl's pants. I also want to add that these two "cool guys" from class have more sexual chemistry with each other than they do with the female characters they try to hit on...but I digress. Oh and also, the professor offers fifty extra credit points to anyone who goes to the art exhibit. FIFTY extra credit points?!? To go to an art exhibit?!? I wish I had this professor!!!

Act Two finds the last couple survivors escaping the art museum (which I forgot to mention was locked from the outside for some reason), and Nikos follows them into the streets of New York, laying waste to anyone he happens to come into contact with. This part of the movie is pretty fun, and as The Arrow says in his review, is basically what Friday the 13th, Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan should've been. Nikos wreaks havoc on the streets, in a gym, a movie theater, a lesbian bar, and a videostore. Look out for cameos from Troma mainman Lloyd Kaufman and b-movie starlet Debbie Rochen here.
Favorite Scene from Act Two: A rough lesbian attempts to rape Felissa Rose. Because, you know, that's what lesbians do, they're constantly trying to rape people. If the lesbian had seen Sleepaway Camp she might not be as interested in Felissa.

Act Three is where things get really kooky...because, even though it was never mentioned or even hinted at earlier in the movie, Nikos apparently also has magical powers! He can use his sword to make things explode (I think), and he can make inanimate objects come to life (sort of). At one point, when he's in the videostore, Nikos sees horror movie boxes showing zombies, ninjas, vampires, and for some reason Adolf Hitler...and he makes them all come to life. So in addition to Nikos (and his newfound magic abilities) we've also got zombies, ninjas, a really attractive Vampira/Elvira type woman, and, yes, Hitler involved as well.
Favorite Scene from Act Three: Nikos uses his magic powers to make Adolf Hitler explode (!), and then Eva Braun runs over to Nikos with a big smile on her face, drops to her knees, and starts sucking him off! Much to Vampira's disapproval, I might add. And if THIS doesn't tell you how vastly different in tone Nikos is from Schnaas' earlier stuff, I don't know what will.

So...I liked the movie. It's a fun, stupid, extremely over-the-top slasher.
Well, that's it, that's the review.

Last edited by Elgyn; 04-22-2011 at 11:21 PM..
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Old 03-12-2011, 02:00 PM
There are so many things that I hate about you (your family, your shoes, your post count), but this was a great review. The best part was the part where you quoted my review. It made the rest of your review look amateurish. You should quote my reviews in all of your reviews.

I wanted to see Nikos when it came out, but I quickly forgot about it.
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Old 03-12-2011, 06:54 PM
It's on piratebay. Just sayin'.

Oh I forgot to mention there's also a brief prologue in ancient Romania that I swear to God looks straight out of one of those Italian-made "Hercules" movies that used to be on MST3K all the time.
Favorite Scene from Prologue: Nikos rips a guy's face off, and the guy (sans face) drops to the ground and yells, "AHHHH!!!! MY FACE!!!"
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Old 05-10-2011, 11:44 AM
Ha, I remember reading about how you hated the VIOLENT SHIT movies years ago...

Cool review, I'm quite fond of Nikos, but Violent Shit 2 is definitely my favorite from Schnaas... and the 4th movie looks pretty promising as well, just wish it would get a release in the States, preferably with an English commentary by Andreas.

HOWEVER, concerning the original VS movie, it simply has to be taken into account that that movie was just Andreas and his buddies hanging out and having fun, making some crazy ass movie (similar to what Jon McBride did with Cannibal Campout, except that actually had characters) and he likely NEVER intended for it to even be released in the first place.

It was probably screened once or twice as a joke, but it caught on with the underground and became something pretty huge for a backyard cinema, an accidental underground hit of sorts. I personally think it's a great movie for what it is, though I'd be lying if I said the flaws pointed out were just nitpicking... the blood goes from looking fairly decent to resembling strawberry milk, the editing system did not allow music and sync sound, the music was really cool in some places and boring in others.... but, it does actually have a surprising amount of bizarre and even ingenius ideas really, like say, the ending, Satan's cameo, the scene with Jesus, etc. Plus the pussy gutting was really cool.

Last edited by Bear; 05-10-2011 at 11:49 AM..
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Old 05-10-2011, 05:19 PM
I've always thought it best to stay away from the "Violent Shit" movies. I've seen some movies by now that were purely a series of bloody death scenes with nothing else to offer, and they aren't my cup of tea. I need more variety than buckets of blood. but this particular movie from the same director sounds interesting and amusing at that. The fact that it takes advantage of resources "Jason Takes Manhattan" couldn't afford intrigues me.
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Old 05-10-2011, 06:47 PM
Duke the movie has a lot of humor and fantasy elements as well, you might like it.
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