Old 12-21-2011, 10:51 AM
Started a Script, Feedback appreciated :)

HI all

I recently started a script which i have posted here basically for feedback purposes if possible.

It's only a rough draft so there will be mistakes here and there..Iv'e had literally no experience however any feedback to do with characters, Writing etc would be much appreciated even if it's things about making sense.
many thanks.
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File Type: pdf Scary-out.pdf (79.8 KB, 64 views)

Last edited by blazedphoenix; 12-21-2011 at 10:55 AM..
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Old 12-22-2011, 12:36 AM
Page 1.

James' response is not believable enough for a 19 year old, in my view.

I may be reading into this more than I should, but what I get is as if James didn't even care if Chris was coming along with him. Either way, if there's no more "logicizing" involved into him leaving... scratch the "I see" and go to "Alright, cool..." or any variation of that. I know people DO say "I see" but just not believable for a 19 year old.

Page 2.

Why would the Clerk have an "evil stare", what's his motive? (maybe fill that in the description) is there a HISTORY of these girls showing up at the hotel? or what?

Also, is the clerk impatient or what - judging by that response "Look, as I said" - is this a rundown hotel somewhere (I think not) what's the motive for him to be rude upon a customer saying "excuse me" - is it the tone in which James says "excuse me" that makes the clerk turn impatient.

"What do you mean? you know what" I'd put an emphasis on 'what' either italicize or underline it. Cause it seems like a blend, reading that way.

Page 3.

Maybe be more specific like "notices something shiny on the floor"

Page 4.

Do 19 year olds really wear robes? When I was 19, that was out of the question lol. Seems 'incongruent' unless you're trying to break some boundaries. But then again, we don't know the context of this. So far it just seems to ride the 'weird/surreal' territory. I'd like some context.

Page 5.

"What's this?" I donno man, the 'comments' seem to not fit. It's like he's voicing what the audience is supposed to think. To me it's a fine line, but so far he's done that already. Just fill that in with like an action and a description like a puzzled look or something. Or if you really wanna make it fitting to that age (i can speak from myself and how I'd react) just have him say "what the fuck?" or "what the hell" again, this is a 19 year old. Besides he just saw a pool of blood or a trace, he needs to be more weirded out than "What's this?" Unless he's really mature for his age, but even maturity doesn't mean shit in situations like that. Again, I don't know the context, so I'm commenting from just a logical standpoint.

- Why would he have one eye open in that situation? Is he squinting? Just have him have both eyes opened. Just doesn't seem right.

It's an ok, average intro. Again though, not enough info to know how we should view that opening. Seems like mixed in with a bit of "Black haired girl" aspects and oddities. Sounds like a trip.

Last edited by Digifruitella; 12-22-2011 at 12:40 AM..
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