#1  
Old 04-13-2003, 10:58 PM
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Does anybody else love these? I think they are incredibly funny.

"It's sad to think that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs"

"I can't help but laugh when I see some screeching thing fly across the room and latch onto somebody's face, cause I mean what is that thing?"

"If somebody ever asks me what I think about love, I would pretend to think for a little bit, then grab his arm, twist it around behind his back and say 'who's asking the questions now buddy?"

so funny...
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  #2  
Old 04-14-2003, 07:24 AM

I agree, those were some of the best moments on SNL. I laughed so hard at those. If anyone remember's more of them, please post! Funny, funny stuff.
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  #3  
Old 04-14-2003, 04:03 PM
there's a site that has every single one he did, i dont know the name right now. if i find the url later ill post.
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  #4  
Old 04-15-2003, 11:41 AM
I love Handey's "Deep Thoughts"... Bubba Strangelove posted a response in a thread about April Lavigne the other day that was just like one.

Here's some of my faves:

"If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine."

"I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do."

"If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact."

"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said. 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."

"Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, 'Think again, bat man.'"

"I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, 'I helped skin Bob.'"

"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done."

"I think a good product would be 'Baby Duck Hat'. It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties."


Here's a good list:
http://www.hutchville.com/jack_handey.shtml
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  #5  
Old 04-16-2003, 01:48 AM
Quote:
Originally posted by Lyle Waggoner

"I think a good product would be 'Baby Duck Hat'. It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties."[/i]

Here's a good list:
http://www.hutchville.com/jack_handey.shtml

This is by far my favourite of the ones listed here
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  #6  
Old 05-06-2003, 04:37 PM
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

I love that one!
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  #7  
Old 05-09-2003, 05:10 PM
This is fucking PRICELESS stuff.

Jesus wept...I'm larfing out loud here...

My favourites...

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.
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  #8  
Old 05-11-2003, 11:56 AM
When I was a kid, the people next door had this little yappy poodle that I used to make fun of all the time. I thought it was real stupid-looking and annoying. But let me tell you, I didn't make fun of it after the time it saved my life. How did it save my live? It's a long story. Too long to tell here. But I can tell you it was full of excitement and danger, and afterwards I never made fun of that poodle again. Well, I suppose I can at least try to tell the story. I'm still not sure I believe it myself, so many strange and fantastic things happened. Briefly what happened, though, is this: I was walking across a vacant lot near my house when I heard a noise. I turned. You know what? This story is just too hard to try to tell here. Just believe it when I say that the poodle came out of nowhere to attack a cobra. Where did the cobra come from? Okay, I guess I can at least tell that part. No, I'm going to change my mind again. It's just too hard to explain - although if I did explain it, you would be glued to the edge of your seat. Maybe someday I'll tell the story of the poodle and the cobra. No, I won't. It's a good one though.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

I think the best Thanksgiving I ever had was the one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down and explained that business hadn't been good at Dad's store, so we couldn't afford a turkey. We had vegetables and bread and pie, and it was just fine. Later I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom to thank them, and I caught them eating a little turkey. I guess that wasn't really the best Thanksgiving.
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  #9  
Old 05-11-2003, 07:06 PM
One I heard today:


"If a child asks where rain comes from, a cute thing to tell him is that "God is crying". If he asks "Why is God crying?", a cute thing to tell him is, "Because of something you did"."
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  #10  
Old 05-18-2003, 09:46 PM
Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

When we would go for a drive in the family car, I used to love to stick my head out the window, until one time we passed an oncoming car and my head knocked off a dog's head.

If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
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  #11  
Old 06-01-2003, 05:24 AM
Quote:
Originally posted by Dignan
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

I love that one!
This is the only one I remember vividly. Man, thanks for jogging my memory.

I like this one:
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
- Jack Handey

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.
- Jack Handey

If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.
- Jack Handey

Last edited by Nachokoolaid; 06-01-2003 at 05:31 AM..
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  #12  
Old 06-01-2003, 05:37 AM
Classic

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
- Jack Handey

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
- Jack Handey

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
- Jack Handey

I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
- Jack Handey

Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth real hard. "Then maybe you and carrots would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!" They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch.
- Jack Handey

If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."
- Jack Handey
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  #13  
Old 06-01-2003, 05:43 AM
I love these

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
- Jack Handey

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
- Jack Handey

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
- Jack Handey

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
- Jack Handey

If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
- Jack Handey

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."
- Jack Handey

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
- Jack Handey
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  #14  
Old 06-01-2003, 05:51 AM
I found my all time favorite one

and it is...

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
- Jack Handey

Here are some others.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
- Jack Handey

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
- Jack Handey

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
- Jack Handey

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
- Jack Handey

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
- Jack Handey

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
- Jack Handey

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
- Jack Handey
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  #15  
Old 06-01-2003, 06:00 AM
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
- Jack Handey

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
- Jack Handey

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.
- Jack Handey

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.
- Jack Handey

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
- Jack Handey

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.
- Jack Handey

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.
- Jack Handey

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
- Jack Handey

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.
- Jack Handey
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  #16  
Old 06-10-2003, 06:07 PM
I love these. I have the whole list downloaded and a book of them.

"For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar for freshness?"

"Instead of a seeing eye dog, how about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time, people are going to move. Cars too!"
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