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  #1  
Old 01-25-2004, 11:04 AM
Please review this small bit of my friends book...

Ok dudes, im not exactly sure if I am allowed to post this, but i think it shoul be allowed, so my friend is starting to write a book, and i thought it would be good to see what you guys think of it...

so here is the start...




“Just shut the fuck up! Ill be out soon” Typical angry….typical. As usual Ellie , with a little less than 5 minutes to the movie starts, is still not ready. Her flowing black dress is looking more detestably tacky every moment , not surprising though really, I presume nearly all garments tend to look a bit worn after 60 minutes of stumbling around a room smaller than an adequately sized breadbin. Girls take such a long time to get ready don’t they. Worth it though, in the end, because they, like she, look very beautiful, stunning even. Elle’s tiny face resembled that of a porcelain doll, a smooth and pale mixture of confusion and torment riddled every dimple and tiny blemish. Beautiful though, none the less.But on the other hand I mention with great haste the beauty flows only “outside” rather than in. Inside there wasn’t room for beauty. Not even the tiniest crevice could house a glisten of beauty or alternativly a sprinkle of promise or hope. Secrets. Secrets consumed all that was inside.

A final glance in the mirror and a hand ran through her messy black hair signified to the others she was ready, so, one by one, they turned to face the door, and Elle, flicked off the light. There is something terribly consuming about darkness and even stranger is the matter in which it multiples when you are alone. Laying wide eyed at night Elle feels the blackness is doing nothing more than suffocating her. Watching to, the blackness always watches, but she was always deadly positive that it wasn’t to concerned about watching, more on tightening its grip. With company darkness’ arms divide and the suffocating coincidently becomes less evident. Surrounded by friendly company, thankfully, no arms reached her. She could breathe tonight.

Elle seems recognisably more comfortable outside of her apartment.

“Your not hiding something are you Elle?” I ask myself silently.

No no,beautiful girl,nothing sinister. A constant natter from a girl whom i think is named Corey drowns out any hints of destination and so they head off,me none the wiser.The destination (my guess) , a choice of one of four clubs, occasionally venturing into two if they have the time. Warp, Jumping Jax, Shadow Zone or the often talked about, deadly secluded, “I come here because everywhere else people spit at me” nightclub “The Vault” are the names of the four, out of town,hideous, goth clubs that they so frequently attend. I think I have an attraction. No,more of a,how can I put this, sexual frenzy towards gothic people and there is not one girl in that group that I wouldn’t like to fuck. All dressed in black they are always very hard to spot out around town and usually I end up spotting them by the harsh sound of Eliza’s stupid laugh.They laugh a lot and I think it would be safe to say that their appreance deceives people into thinking they have a bleak opinion on live. They could not be more mistaken , the girls have a beautiful , positive outlook on the world. They smile a smile so bright that I feel like im staring directly into the sun. Their happiness blisters me. I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself , I don’t want to turn the monitor back on but I have became so dependant that I barely get a winks sleep because I have to feel near them.Their happiness..blisters me.

Morning comes and the sun shines deeply into my eyes, bursting them open like peapods to once again witness the brutal turns and twists of todays modern world. As I step into the hallway I have a brief flash back to the back of the coffee house last weekend, trying desperately to recall what thread I opted for that particular evening. I do not remember.




ANy opinons? Thanks in advance, Kastman

Last edited by Kastman; 01-25-2004 at 11:10 AM..
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  #2  
Old 01-25-2004, 03:20 PM
it needs more background information before the reader can really begin to understand what it's about.

there are also a few grammatical/spelling errors, but those are easily fixed.

other than that, it seems pretty good. tell your friend good start, kastman.


"talk hard. steal the air."

~darchangel~
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  #3  
Old 01-25-2004, 04:21 PM
I don't mean to be cruel, but your friend really needs to get the story started at some point. Endless description is a chore read, especially if it's ungrammatical and lacks proper punctuation. A reader will understand more about a character if character engages in some sort of action; the character simply talking about himsel renders him abstract. Also, loose the present tense.

On the other hand, I like this passage: "They smile a smile so bright that I feel like im staring directly into the sun. Their happiness blisters me."


Like I said, I’m sorry if I sound dickish, and your friend does seem capable of a creating a nice, easy-to-read flow of words, but he also has to remember that if a reader is going to follow the story to the end he must at least be afforded something to expect or anticipate somewhere in the first paragraph.
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