#1  
Old 01-25-2004, 03:44 PM
Part of a chapter. Please review.

I posted this in horror, but only two people replied.

10 (LaJessa’s Help)
Okay, so a few hours ago I had the best sex in the history of my life. That brief encounter with Jade reminded me of how vulnerable I am. Especially to her. Shit.
Now, now that the sun has came up, everything’s very clear. Yeah, it’s clear that more than my brain controls my actions. Son of a bitch. Hopefully I can control myself better next time. Damn, I hope there isn’t a next time, even though part of me wants there to be.
I looked in the mirror and saw a very rejuvenated man with a bandage on his ear. After getting dressed in my khaki pants that were loose, but fit tight in the places to tempt, a white button up t-shirt and open toed rope shoes, I went back to Stakes are High to see things in a different light.
The sun was up and vampires were the last thing on my mind. The first, however, was that my hitman or woman was hired by one of the vampires in this club. So, needless to say I had my Beretta .9mm loaded with silver tip hollow point bullets. Yeah, it was overkill, but if a vampire did happen to be walking around in the daylight, I didn’t want to take a chance. I also put my belt that had the silver knife buckle on. Two weapons. I hoped that was enough, but I was sure it wasn’t.
Sage met me at the club. “It says closed on the door.”
“I know Sage, but there has to be someone cleaning up for tonight.” I said knocking on the door. I looked through the glass door and except for the furniture I saw the night before, it was silent. “He’s in there Sage, I can feel it.”
“Yes, I know. I feel it too.” he said balling his hands into fists.
I went to my truck and pulled out my thief kit. It was a gift from Jade before she tried to kill me. It was a birthday gift.
Sage stood there staring at me while I picked the lock. It clicked and Sage raised his eyebrows questioningly. I smiled and opened the door. “You know this is illegal?”
“I know.” I said. One of the tools fell out of my pocket. I bent over to pick it up and a chunk of brick shattered right beside me. Sage jumped and grabbed me as we tumbled through the doorway. We both pulled out our guns and took aim at nothing. Or at least nothing I could see.
Another bullet whizzed by my head and a chunk of wood broke. “FUCK!” One grazed Sage’s jacket and he mimicked my words. The shooter couldn’t tell the difference between us. “The assassin must have followed me.”
“No shit!” Sage said as the glass door shattered beside him.
Pointing around the corner blindly I shot a few and ducked back into my fraidy hole. Sage took a few shots and I heard someone moving up behind us. I turned, pointed my gun, the woman raised her arms. She was wearing jean shorts and a pink sleeved top that reminded me of workout wear. “Don’t shoot!” I kept my gun pointed on her as a bullet grazed my arm. I spun to the ground holding my arm.
“GABRIEL!!” Sage yelled, shot a few more bullets, crawling and firing behind him. He grabbed my shirt and with the help of the woman pulled me farther into the club. Together they moved me with ease out of the shooters sights. “Are you alright?” he asked.
“Just watch the door.” I said and moved my hand. The wound was long, but not deep. Stung like a bitch though. Sage kept his gun trained on the shattered door. The woman ripped part of her sleeve and tied it around my wound. “Thanks.”
The woman smiled, ran barefoot out the door as we just watched. More shots were fired, then all went silent. Sage looked at me, his gun still trained on the door. Moments passed and we figured the woman was lying on the ground outside somewhere. Bleeding to death, broken, or already dead. We didn’t know and neither of us wanted to find out.
We saw a shadow moving outside and Sage automatically fired. We heard a couple cuss words and finally, “It’s me!” the woman said. Sage pointed the gun toward the ceiling. She glanced in before entering.
The woman walked in. Her clothes were ripped and bloody. Her face was bloody as well and a knife was in her shoulder. She raised her hand and it took me a second to realize what she held. “Holy Shit!” Sage said and I didn’t say anything, just stared.
The woman held an arm, gun still clenched in it’s twitching hand. She smiled and offered it to me like how a cat is proud to offer it’s owner a mouse. I shut my eyes and took a couple deep breaths, trying not to think about my own pain in my arm or what the woman held.
Sage grabbed my good arm and dragged me to my feet. I opened my eyes and the woman had put the arm on the floor. She pulled the knife out of her shoulder. We watched as she didn’t even flinch. Hell, I flinched and gasped. Sage was the one who said it; “Fuuuuuuuck.”
“My name’s LaJessa.”
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  #2  
Old 01-25-2004, 11:18 PM
i think i'd definitely need some more background information on the storyline before i could tell you if this fits in with the story you're trying to write or not.

i liked some of the imagery, and the names.

overall, good job martyds. <applauds>

now since i've given you my opinion on yours, i'd like for you to return the favor


"talk hard. steal the air."

~darchangel~
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  #3  
Old 01-26-2004, 03:37 PM
Thanks man. It fits the story. An Angel/CSI/Underworld mix. Similar to Laurell K. Hamilton's books.
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  #4  
Old 01-26-2004, 05:37 PM
Its nod bad at all. Perhaps a couple of reads over, tighten up some of the vocabulary and grammar, but maybe that is just me. I'm perhaps overprecise with my writing, probably more to do with my degree choice. Maybe that has something to do with the character as well. If I knew more about the character, then perhaps I might not be so picky, as the choices you've made in that area have probably affected the words you have used.

But really, its quite good, and I am just a moaner
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  #5  
Old 01-26-2004, 08:23 PM
Thanks Raven. The main characters grew up in a small town, but they had to deal w/ the supernatural because of their abilities which are not shown in that chapter part. Now, they're in a city and dealing the best they can.
You mentioned your degree. English? Have anything for us to read? Again, thanks for the reply.
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  #6  
Old 01-27-2004, 11:18 AM
Quote:
Originally posted by martyds761

You mentioned your degree. English? Have anything for us to read? Again, thanks for the reply.



Law actually Almost certainly a choice where you really do need to be as precise with your word choices as possible

I have been doing a little writing, used to write a lot of stories and poems I don't have any more. some of which weren't bad at all if i say myself. I am still writing a little bit now, but its non-fiction and based around my pursuit of a particular hobby
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  #7  
Old 01-28-2004, 04:48 PM
A respectful occupation Raven, even w/ all the lawyer jokes. I majored in Counseling, Rehabilitation, and Exercise Science. Minored in Creative Writing. Actually debating on a Doctorate in Physiology. Who knows? I might do it. Don't think I'll ever publish my writing though. It's fine for pleasure reading and relaxation, but not a "best seller."
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  #8  
Old 01-28-2004, 04:59 PM
Quote:
Originally posted by martyds761
A respectful occupation Raven, even w/ all the lawyer jokes.

I'm still on the degree so it may be better to say it will be a respectable occupation in about 3 years

you get used to the jokes. there only actually 2 or 3 main ones, the rest is variations.

Funny how many people stop the joking when they do need a lawyer eh?
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  #9  
Old 01-28-2004, 08:25 PM
True. They do stop.

It's that way w/ my fields too. Counseling is too close to psychiatry, so I hear those jokes. Then my exercise field they consider me a "dumb jock" which is sterotypical. Doesn't bother me though. I always turn it around on people and ask if they can tell me the difference between fibula/tibia, or aerobic/anaerobic. Shuts them up quick. Hahah.
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  #10  
Old 07-31-2005, 11:20 AM
Quote:
Originally posted by darchangel
now since i've given you my opinion on yours, i'd like for you to return the favor

~darchangel~
Did I ever give your story a review? If not, what's the topic or where can I read it?
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  #11  
Old 08-01-2005, 07:55 PM
Quote:
Originally posted by martyds761
An Angel/CSI/Underworld mix.
*bites lip* Oh. My. Gawd.
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