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3 Looks: Beyonce

09.05.2007by: Cush

I totally wanted to write a 'Top 3 Looks of Rihanna' article, because I'm currently spending most of my time listening to her music, watching her interviews, eating (because nutrition is important), watching her videos and then enjoying some me time. Unfortunately though, no Hollywood exec has had the foresight to cast her in a slasher movie as 'Promiscuous Sexually Confused Baby-sitter 1', so the code of conduct does not permit me to enter her into the 3 Looks hall of fame.

As such, I've gone for what I'd like to think is the next best thing: Beyonce. Or as she's known in the film world: Beyonce Knowles. Because it's slightly more professional and because it's hard to keep track of all of those Beyonces running around in Hollywood. And no, she's not the next best thing just because she's African American and I'm that obtusely racist, she's the next best thing because she's an African American who started out as a singer, has links with Hove and let's face it, is hot. I'm also pretty sure that I could say something about Rihanna being an 'Independant Woman' and have it not sound out of place. I'm also sure that in a pinch, she'd be a 'survivor', can pay her 'bills, bills, bills' etc...

#3. "Deena Jones" in DREAMGIRLS

Based on a Broadway musical, Beyonce plays Deena, a girl who, along with her two best friends lives her dream of being a famous popstar. Unfortunately things don't all go to plan...

Yep, Beyonce was hot in her only critically viable film. I don't know why but shitty old-school hair and singing has me going. Broads that will fuck their best friends over for a dude are totally okay by me too.

It's not every day you get to see Beyonce be hot and watch an Oscar winning film at the same time (unless you have two TVs like right next to each other, man that would be sweet), so I'd suggest you get right on this one.

#2. "Foxxy Cleopatra" in AUSTIN POWERS IN GOLDMEMBER

Upon learning that his father has been kidnapped, Austin Powers has to travel to 1975 and defeat Goldmember, who is working with Dr. Evil. Thankfully this time, he has the sassy Foxxy Cleopatra to help him out.

When I was younger, like most people who weren't black, I thought I was, and thus I listened to a lot of Mos Def and Gangstarr. And equally thus, I had a real woody for Eriyka Badhu. That's my long and convoluted way of telling you that I have always had a thing for broads with really fucked up afros.

Mike Myers must be having a ball with all the AUSTIN POWERS movies, since he basically comes up with a paper thin premise, recycles all the jokes he had in the first one, cast a slammin' hottie and then makes out with her for a ton of money. I thought GOLDMEMBER was the weakest of the POWERS flicks, but to be honest I still kinda enjoyed it. I guess I'm a sucker for toilet humor and fat jokes.

#1. "Xania" in THE PINK PANTHER

The PINK PANTHER follows Steve Martin as he tries to be funny as the worst police inspector on the force, trying to solve the mystery of a the death of a French soccer coach. The movie is pretty boring and then suddenly Beyonce arrives and we start paying attention.

I refuse to believe that nostalgia for a time when Steve Martin was funny/respected fueled this film's box office alone. Not that the movie made a lot of money, but it made some, which is pretty much definitely more than deserved. Thus I choose to believe that it was all Beyonce.

Let's face it, this movie came out around the time that Beyonce was flirting with the idea of blazing her own trail (because what's the point of splitting your profits 3 or 4 ways when you're the only person singing/anyone cares about), and so suddenly she had a makeover, lost a bunch of weight and got real, real hot

I'm pretty sure this movie is bad enough to make a Scarlett Johansson/Angelina Jolie sex sandwich strangely unattractive, but somehow Beyonce does it.



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