Denise Richards' body was made for a feature like this. In fact, I'm pretty sure that this will be about as good as it gets for this column. Except she also makes it incredibly difficult and makes my crucification via angry email almost inevitible. There's no way that I can ever possibly get this right, since she looks fucking phenomenal in pretty much everything. Figuring out which of her looks has been the best is like trying to figure out which bullet killed Jay-Z in the 99 Problems video.
Still, I'm gonna do my best to pick out some peaches and along the way I'm just gonna throw in images at random, enough to (hopefully) appease the haters, but not enough that this just turns into AN UNAPOLOGETIC SERIES OF HOT PICTURES OF DENISE RICHARDS.
#3 - 'Paige Prescott ' in VALENTINE
Four friends start to receive morbid, threatening valentines day cards, from someone that they spurned when they were younger. Now it appears that Valentines Day 2001 will be the day that the four friends meet destiny.
Richards? Check. Bikini? Check. Possibility of oral? Check. Sure it ends up a tease, but there just might not be anything hotter in the universe, than a hot chick who fears for her life and is emotionally vulnerable. It makes it easy.
And is it just me or is Paige a really, really hot name? It sounds like a really repressed Church camp girl, just bursting to express herself.
#2 - 'White She Devil' in UNDERCOVER BROTHER
Richards plays 'White She Devil' in this comedy where 'The Man' is trying to derail a black candidate's presidential campaign and Undercover Brother must come to the resuce.
This film was made before Eddie Griffin was considered - in my book, at least - funny. As such it shocked me, when he went from the categorically unfunny guy in Mariah Carey's HONEY video, to being actually funny in this. Richards is hot here because she manages to cover pretty much all the hot chick bases, by going from nerdy, glasses-wearing awkward, shy chick, to big hair, femme fatale, with a little bit of shower scene chick thrown into the mix on the way.
#1 - 'Kelly Lanier Van Ryan' in WILD THINGS
God, saying that this film has a plot is like saying that Matt Perry has range. There's something about sexual abuse and money, but it's all in the name of setting up a ton of scenarios where Denise Richards goes at it with either Matt Dillon or Neve Campbell or both. It's a good fucking time.
For all the bluster and doubt, I have to believe that this one will at least be met with resounding agreement. I don't remember exactly, but I'm pretty sure that this was when I first discovered the wonder of Denise Richards. And I'm pretty sure that everyone remembers the first time they saw this thing. It's like when the Berlin Wall collapsed, everyone remembers where they were, what they were doing when they found out. Likewise I remember exactly what I was doing (we were all doing the same thing, I'm sure) when I first saw Matt Dillon go to town with Richards and Neve Campbell. A classmate of mine had given it to me on VCD and I remember tossing the first disc because the good stuff was happening at the very beginning of the second disc.
Thing is though, there are just so many awesome moments of Richardsage throughout this film; she's hamming herself for the camera in almost every scene. Then, with the deleted scenes it just gets better and better. I don't even remember the plot to this movie, to be honest, but I mark it up there with the greatest ever achievements in cinematic history. In a hundred years, how Richards' immaculate being was exploited in this thing will rank WILD THINGS up alongside CITIZEN KANE and THE GODFATHER II.