I wanted to do something a little different for the holiday season. Also nobody's really working that hard at this time of the year, so as a result I'm gonna take a slightly more light-hearted look with this week's column, and name you the top three hottest DISNEY WOMEN. I had always thought that Ariel (THE LITTLE MERMAID) was hot, but I never had the balls to talk about it. After AMERICAN PIE made that okay, I couldn't shut up, and now this article has been born. It also helps that I'm still writing through the internet, under a pseudonym (believe it or not my name is not really 'Cush').
#3 - "Ariel" - THE LITTLE MERMAID
A mermaid princess makes a faustian bargain with an unscrupulous seahag in order to meet a human prince on land. Then a Jamaican crab sings a song with a bunch of storks and I wonder where my youth went.
She's a red-head, sure. And she is smoking hot, I know. But there are just two negatives that would be too heavy to handle:
1. Picture this; you've just had a date with some chick and all is great, you're dropping her home in your banged up Chevy. You pull up outside the house, turn the car off and then there's that silence where you're wondering if she's gonna service your engine, or better yet, you're both going inside. But then wait a minute, no, no, her Dad's waiting for her. You like to come inside? Sure. And then you get there, she leaves you with her Dad. And he knows you want to get inside his daughter, so by default he wants to fuck you up. Now, that's a bad situation if the Dad is an alcoholic. Imagine that situation if her Dad is the raging King Triton, ten feet tall with one of those badass three pronged killer tridents that he is just itching to shove in your ass.
2. Can you imagine having to teach this bitch how to use a knife and fork? How to drive? How to mail a letter? Forget that shit, I'll pass. I can't even be bothered to teach my girl how to play Madden.
#2 - "Belle" - BEAUTY AND THE BEAST
A New York cosmetologist mistakenly thought to be a science teacher is offered a job to teach the children of an Eastern European dictator. Wait a minute, what?
I'm a sucker for cute chicks, so with her big brown eyes and the fact that she spends most of the flick next to a huge ugly hairy sumbitch, she's all money. And if TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU taught me anything it's that a Dad can be a major pain in the ass when they want to be. Thankfully, Belle's Dad is borderline retarded. so you're golden. She's also hella patient, since if it were me that singing candle at dinner bullshit would have driven me insane.
It is also absolutely awesome that this chick looks or sounds nothing like Fran Drescher.
#1 - "Jasmine" - ALADDIN
Aladdin, a street urchin, accidentally meets Princess Jasmine, who is in the city undercover. They love each other, but she can only marry a prince. Fortunately, he finds the Cave of Wonders which tells him to touch nothing but 'the lamp', which he takes (along with the flying carpet, I guess the Cave was lenient) and shakes shit up.
When this chick will hook up with a dude who looks like Aladdin and whose best friend was a monkey, you know you've got a shot. And I'm nothing if not pro-equal opportunity. She's also totally got the Dad thing going on, since he is beyond stupid. Is it me or does he just seem like he's constantly stoned? I'd light up with Sultan anytime, that'd be cool.
But the clincher? It's the outfit. God bless Disney's flagrant ignoring of ethnic tradition, because instead of the customery hijab, that thing that Jasmine is wearing was built for the quick, lightning action sex. You couldn't get a chick out of a hijab with the Keymaster and a can of WD40. Jasmine's top? A gust of wind could knock that mother-fucker off. A mis-directed fart and this chick is naked. And that is a-okay with me.