There was a time when people would ask me to rate my top five famous broads and Jessica Alba wouldn't even make it. I used to think that she was too good looking, you know? Like too pretty. Just too god damn perfect. What gives? Now though, I've started to see the error in my ways. This chick literally looks like she was sculpted by the Gods on Mount Olympus. With magic and such. Cash Warren must have literally saved a bus full of nuns, school children and Martin Luther King from a burning building in a past life or some shit. Either that or he made a killer deal with the devil. Anyone who says they wouldn't get into bed with Jessica Alba is a fucking liar. She also might just have the greatest set of non-Angelina Jolie lips ever.
#3 "Sam" in INTO THE BLUE
A group of divers find themselves in trouble with a drug lord when they come across the opportunity to find the illicit cargo of a sunken airplane.
I can just see the pitch for this movie. "The annoying guy from FAST AND THE FURIOUS is here... err... looking for some treasure. Alba is in a bikini". Boom. Done deal. Any film where a hot chick lives on a boat and wears a bikini for most of it is guaranteed winner. I'm not actually sure how you could beat that. Maybe a chick who lived on a boat and was naked for most of it.
I think Ashley Scott is smoking hot, but Alba takes her to town in this flick. So if you catch this film, not only do you get some Albatastic bikini action, you get Scott too. Sure you gotta put up with Paul Walker delivering dialogue with the accuracy a drunk shows a urinal, but it's bearable. Keep your eye on the prize and all should be fine.
#2 "Nancy Calahan" in SIN CITY
In her part of SIN CITY, Alba plays Calahan, a stripper who Bruce Willis' cop, Hartigan has vowed to protect and has to continue to protect from 'the Yellow Bastard'.
You're right, a pole-dancing stripper in ass-less chaps should rank higher but Alba went ahead and did this thing so PG-13 it's not even worth it. I have to hold it back on principle. What happened to old-school method acting? Inhabiting a character? De Niro put on like a thousand pounds for RAGING BULL, you can't just flash your cans one time? Jesus.
She spends some of the movie being upstaged every now and then by Britney Murphy which should never happen because it's Britney Murphy. And she's also completely infatuated with Hartigan, who later dies (careful of spoilers), so you're never gonna have her love you fully. Time to move on. Let's focus on what's important though, ey?
#1 "Cam Wexler" in GOOD LUCK CHUCK
Dane Cook has to try and keep the woman of his dreams by not sleeping with her (he's cursed, go figure). Unfortunately that woman happens to be Jessica Alba *unhappy face emoticon*
There's just something about clumsy chicks, isn't there? Sure it's not cool when your girl walks into a pole, or when you have to keep an eye on her whenever she weilds a power tool, but for some reason there is just something inherently cute about the whole thing. Slap a face like Jessica Alba's on the package? Forget about it.
Still would you really want to hook up with this chick? Knowing every day that your face is where Dane Cook's face once was? I just don't know if I could live with that.