Jessica Biel was recently crowned 'Sexiest Woman Alive' by Esquire magazine. I know that Joblo.com News Editor, Dave Davis whole heartedly agrees, but I'm still to be convinced. Still, that's not to say that she's unattractive. Only the most bitter BLADE fanatics could bring themselves to say that about her. I'm sure most of you were in love with her since her time on SEVENTH HEAVEN, but she didn't steal my heart until the day she helped me get through STEALTH without slitting my throat in the back of the local cinema.
So join me now, as we delve into her top three hottest looks...
#3 "Abigail Whistler" in BLADE: TRINITY
In the third installment of the BLADE series, Jess plays Whistler's daughter, a feisty, bow and arrow weilding member of the 'Night stalkers', who assists Blade in his unending quest to rid the world of the vampire population.
I have never understood how Orlando Bloom suddenly became hot shit after appearing in the LORD OF THE RINGS movies. Now I'm starting to think there might just be something inherently attractive about archery. Because seeing Jesse toast fools with her bow and arrow is a sure fire turn on.
Unfortunately though, this role has to stay at #3, because it's just not hot when your girlfriend can kick your ass and she knows it. She's also not that bright if she thinks listening to her i-pod while she hunts vampires is a good idea. And what's with being all melancholy in the shower? Totally ruined what could've been a great nude scene!
#2 "Liz Cooper" in NEXT
Biel plays a young woman who Cris Johnson (a psychic, played by Nicolas Cage) believes is destined to be with. They travel cross-country, as Johnson tries to evade the US Government who are trying to harness his power to avert a terrorist attack.
Jess is hot in NEXT for the simple reason that she makes you feel like, given the shot, you could probably land her. Nic Cage plays a borderline stalker-ish psychopath who somehow gets her to fall in love with him by a) getting punched by her ex, b) doing a magic trick, and c) sleeping in the truck.
Still, for all the bullshit that goes on in this flick (which I actually enjoyed), there is one moment when Nic Cage defies the flow of this film and actually accurately portrays a scenario: Biel exits the shower with a towel trying desperately to cover her breasts, and he is speechless. I can't even imagine what it would be like to be up close and personal with those bad boys. I would probably be like looking at Ghost Rider's penance stare, except extremely pleasurable.
#1 "Alex" in I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK AND LARRY
Adam Sandler and Kevin James play two New York firemen who try to cheat the system by pretending to be married to receive domestic partnership benefits. Ms. Biel plays an attorney who genuinely believes the couple are gay and thus tries to help them out.
I'm pretty sure that Jessica Biel has never looked better than how she did in I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK AND LARRY. I'm also pretty sure that Adam Sandler is one of the luckiest fellas in the world. He gets to squeeze Biel's titties, doesn't have to wake up in the morning and be Justin Timberlake, and he gets paid for it.
She scores major points for donning the Catwoman outfit (skin-tight leather is always a winner), but loses a bunch for not being the principal cast member with the biggest boobies. That's an honor that could only go to Kevin James.