If I were writing these columns based on just sheer hotness, Scarlett Johansson would have featured in the very first article and then in every article after from then until the end of time. Unfortunately though, since she burst into our hearts (and perverted minds) in 2003's LOST IN TRANSLATION, she's kinda gone on to date a ton of douchebags and ruined all the credability as a desirable chick that she had. There was a time when I would have paid good money to jump naked on a giant sandpaper slide if Scarlett Johansson was at the bottom of it. Times have changed now though and... well... I'd probably still do it, but I might think about it for a second first. Still though, for all her failings, I can't help but get all hot and bothered whenever I see a picture of her, so here's to the only good thing to ever come out of EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS.
#3 "Charlotte" in LOST IN TRANSLATION
In this Oscar winning flick from Sophia Coppola, Johansson plays Charlotte, a young woman in Japan with her husband, who runs into an actor (Bill Murray) who is in the midst of a mid-life crisis...
Scarlett Johansson will never eclipse what happened to her with LOST IN TRANSLATION. One day, if she's lucky, she might get a better role, work for a better director, any of that shit. But she will never experience what happened for her professionally when she played Charlotte in TRANSLATION. Suddenly, she went from the chick who wasn't Thora Birch in GHOST WORLD to Scarlett Johansson: Super Hottie.
I guess her performance resonates with girls because there are tons of broads out there who are having second thoughts about their lives/marriages, and it resonates with guys because there is nothing we love more than a smoking hot chick whose husband doesn't appreciate her. You get the impression Bill Murray could have looked like a silver-back gorilla and she still would've fallen in love with him.
Oh, and I fall in love every time I see her sing 'Brass in Pocket'.
#2 "Pursy Will" in A LOVE SONG FOR BOBBY LONG
Opposite a stunning turn by John Travolta, Johansson plays a head-strong young girl whose mother dies and leaves her house to her two alcoholic, literature loving friends. This turn of events forces Johansson's character to find herself, while those around her do the same...
I love A LOVE SONG FOR BOBBY LONG and surprisingly, not because of Scarlett Johansson. No, I love this movie because John Travolta is absolutely spectacular as my all-time favorite movie character, Bobby Long. Still, this piece is supposed to be about Johansson, so yeah, she's hot. Bobby Long also aludes to the fact that she's a bit on the wild side, sexually, since he spoke to her hick boyfriend and it was obvious she didn't hook up with him for his brains.
We also get a real sweet scene where Gabriel Macht does us all a favor and walks in on her changing. There's also a deleted scene from the flick (floating around on cyberspace I'm sure, not that I've seen it you understand, just heard of it) where one of her dates does her a favor in the passenger seat of his car. I guess you could look for it, oh say, on Youtube.
#1 "Nola" in MATCH POINT
In this Woody Allen flick, Johansson plays a seductive young woman who embarks on an affair with an ambitious young tennis coach, played by Jonathan Rhys Meyers.
If movies have taught me anything, it's that when two people who have even the slightest mutual attraction are stood in the rain, they will definitely start making out and possibly have sex. Surprisingly, even Woody Allen can't avoid this undeniable fact and thus we have the extremely hot scene where Jonathan 'waaay too pretty for a guy' Rhys Meyers follows Johansson out to some meadow and they go at it.
I wanted to make this performance #2 actually, because of the part where she follows Rhys Meyers down the street like a fucking lunatic, shouting YOU'RE A LIAR, YOU'RE A LIAR, YOU'RE A LIAR etc. But to be honest, you can tell that if he just said sorry, I love you, they'd be up at her appartment getting it on, post haste. And that's my kinda woman.