I'm very confused by Amber Heard these days. When I asked her if she wanted to go get a cup of coffee, she told me that she was a lesbian and wasn't interested, which is all fine and dandy, until I saw her very suspiciously holding hands with none other than Johnny Depp, who I'm more than certain has a penis. After carefully conducting some research and tests, I have concluded that this must mean that he is, in fact, a MAN, whom lesbians usually do not see! Why, Amber? Why?! Love me!!!
Anyway, by confused, I really just mean that I'm jealous. Amber Heard is f*cking gorgeous and seeing her here in this dress flashing some serious leg going up to mid-thigh is almost heart-attack inducing in its hotness. She was on her way to Jimmy Kimmel Live to probably promote MACHETE KILLS or something, which means I'm jealous of late night talk show hosts, too, for being able to talk and schmooze with gorgeous women on a nightly basis. Assholes.
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