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Body Shop: Jessica Alba

Dec. 24, 2007by: Mr. Pink

It's Christmas Eve my friends, so you know I'm gonna serve up something special for ya'll. And what could be more special than our own Body Shop banner girl? Sure she's pregnant now, and still hasn't given us a clean view of her unclothed body, but that doesn't change the fact that this girl is the kind of hot that makes eyes melt and brains short circuit. I'm speaking, of course, about: JESSICA ALBA!

Check her out in - The Eye

ASS (10/10):

I think we can all agree that words fail, so I present the visual evidence to the jury:

EXHIBIT A EXHIBIT B

EXHIBIT C EXHIBIT D

EXHIBIT E EXHIBIT F

BOOBIES (8/10):

I always thought that Alba's chest was on the less impressive side, and took her unwillingness to unleash it as further proof of that. But then she gave us all an "accidental" (NSFW) look at her girls with a see-through top. Turns out they are outstanding. Shapely, buoyant and just plain kissable. Alba may complain about being viewed only as a sex object, but her "unplanned" exposures show that she's well aware of what keeps her fans interested.

FACE (9/10):

Stunning. F#cking stunning. Given enough time and willpower I might find some flaws, but every damn time I look at her face I get lost in those eyes, and then get sucked in (or at least imagine it as such) to her lips. Almost hypnotic really. I hope I never see her face while driving.

PERSONALITY (5/10):

You don't get to have it both ways. Jessica says she wants to be known for her acting, but even she has to realize she's not that good, and showing up in skimpy photo shoots and such just shows she wants her fame to keep going by any means necessary. She also claims she's not ashamed of her Latin heritage, but she basically disavows it as well. The history of her comments and interviews paints a picture of a fairly confused, repressed girl that quite frankly seems like she'd be a pain in the ass to deal with until she gets a stronger sense of self.

CAREER (6/10):

Jessica Alba's fame is a good example of celebrity rather than achievement because it mostly comes from hotness, rather than her acting talent or any notable roles. She's certainly good enough to play any hot chick role out there, but her stated desire to have a career beyond the days when she looks good in a bikini is unlikely to come to pass. Right now, though, she's the kind of hot that defies talent. Directors just want her in their movies. And fans will put up with ridiculously non-stripper-ish outfits and body blocking teases for as long as she maintains her youth and tone. But there will come a day when a younger hottie is taking all of her roles, and the only thing that keeps her employed is small budgets or a willingness to show boobage. Based on her choices so far, I put the over under at a decade before Alba is dropping trou on screen like she's Julianne Moore. I also 100% guarantee that she'll rationalize it as an "artistic choice".

High points: IDLE HANDS, SIN CITY
Low points: HONEY, FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER

OVERALL (9/10):

Instead of thinking of Alba as an actress, I think it makes more sense to view her through the lens of a model who has done well for herself on screen. She's pleasant enough in her roles to avoid being a distraction, but the true power she adds to anything is the force of her center of the sun-like heat. Not many humans can pull it off, but Jessica is actually so intensely gorgeous that all other considerations fall by the wayside.

Source: MovieHotties

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+1
3:42PM on 05/04/2010

Movie Hotties Ratings

Look I know this is your list and everything, but I have been looking over your "Body Shop" archives and I found an inconsistency with your "Overall" rating.

Take Jessica Alba for example:
Ass 10, Boobies 8, Face 9, Personality 5, Career 6. I agree with all of those individual ratings, but the overall does not jibe.

If you average out the individual scores:
10+8+9+5+6 = 38
divide 38 by the number of categories (5)
and you get an AVERAGE of 7.6

Rounded up you have 8

So Jessica's
Look I know this is your list and everything, but I have been looking over your "Body Shop" archives and I found an inconsistency with your "Overall" rating.

Take Jessica Alba for example:
Ass 10, Boobies 8, Face 9, Personality 5, Career 6. I agree with all of those individual ratings, but the overall does not jibe.

If you average out the individual scores:
10+8+9+5+6 = 38
divide 38 by the number of categories (5)
and you get an AVERAGE of 7.6

Rounded up you have 8

So Jessica's rating should be 8/10...and that pretty much fits her perfectly.
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