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Face Off: Sofia Vergara vs. Jessica Biel

Mar. 11, 2013by: Droz

The MEW contingent was overwhelming in last week's Face Off. between Ellen Page and Mary Elizabeth Winstead. I get it, Mary is an amazing creature. Though I'm just as enthusiastic about Ellen. I like a women who seems like she could hold her own both as an intellectual and a hottie. For me, that's just as sexy as a beautiful body.

Butt I digress. This week we're comparing Sofia Vergara and Jessica Biel, two hotties who also have a certain special something in common that fanny folks consider quite remarkable. I've got a haunch this comparison could be a challenge, but there's no excuse for bumming around with indecision. We just have to tush ahead and decide who we derrire the gluteus maximus or the bottom rump. Ass.

Butts

So let's begin at the end. Sofia's got a fantastic rump. Round and full, hers is probably one of the most gorgeous asses in entertainment. Round and full is a great way to describe much of what Sofia brings to the table. She is the epitome of the full-bodied look many of us know and love. That being said, her ass is but a part of her overall curvaceous body. Obviously that's not a negative, though as far as butts go, it doesn't quite stand out as much as Jessica's does. Therefore, second place in this category.

Jessica's butt might not be as big or as around as Sofia's, but one of the things that makes it a winner is the fact that is so prominent on her otherwise trim body. It's like someone took a fairly impressive ring and somehow shoehorned the Hope diamond onto it. Beyond her ass's prominence is the very clear indication of its power. When she moves, you can almost see the tight, toned muscles rippling through it. Try to bounce a quarter off that and you could put an eye out. That's got to be a winner.

Build

Surprisingly enough, these two have more happening outside their asses. Sofia, in particular, has a whole theme park of sexy undulating throughout her body. Beautiful boobs, beautiful legs, hips, back, shoulders, arms, fingers, toes, ankles...uhhhhh, ears? Hey, it's all good when it's on Sofia. You got no complaints from me.

You have pretty much the same deal with Jessica's body. Nothing out of place or unattractive happening in any of the obvious places on her. She's a little different in that she's more athletic where Sofia is more voluptuous, but that's not really an issue. They're two different tastes that taste great together. Hmmm, now there's a thought...

Beauty

Okay, so we know they both have beautiful butts and bodies. Let's take a minute to appreciate what's happening further north. Sofia is a lovely lady. She has that sultry Latin look happening, with the big, brown eyes and dark hair. She's also got that thing wherein she gains even more beauty when she's angry, which her character often is on her show Modern Family. She lights up in a fervent kind of way when she's screaming at Al Bundy. Usually it's bad news when women go apeshit like that, but with Sofia I kind of like it.

I'll not raise any ire by suggesting that Jessica is ugly. She's pretty, but not all the time. There are occasions when she's quite the stunner and other times I don't really find her attractive at all. It's difficult to know which Jessica is going to show up, although she almost always looks fantastic in her movies. Maybe she just needs the right preparation. Or maybe she has a less good-looking secret twin and the two of them take turns being Jessica. That better not be true, or else I'm going to start hating Timberlake even more than I already do.

Body of Work

I really only know Sofia for one thing, her ABC TV show. I know she's done other stuff, but I haven't seen very much of it. I like her show, but having only one thing I know of and enjoy isn't sufficient for me to give her the career category.

I wont say that I'm a huge fan of Jessica's movies. Let's face it, she's made a few stinkers in her time (I'm looking at you, horrible TOTAL RECALL remake). However, she's also done some stuff I like. Regardless of where my feelings lie on her work, between the two of them, Jessica has the more substantial career.

Jessica

Biel got the booty, the body, the career and the win as it turns out. Nothing against Sofia. She's right up there in my most wanted list. As with most of these ladies, this is all mere nitpicking. Either of them would be more than most guys could ever hope for.

That's where I'm at. Where are you?
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10:38PM on 03/12/2013
Sofia, at least she isn't bedding down with Timberdouche
Sofia, at least she isn't bedding down with Timberdouche
Your Reply:



6:04PM on 03/12/2013
Good call. Completely agree.
Good call. Completely agree.
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+2
12:04PM on 03/12/2013

Jessica Biel!

Sofia Vergara isn't a boot by any means but is as annoying as Hell. I know it's a schtik but it's her main claim to fame.
Jessica Biel is fit, firm and built for speed. She also plays more interesting characters in her films, even if the movies themselves aren't huge successes. I vote for JB.
Sofia Vergara isn't a boot by any means but is as annoying as Hell. I know it's a schtik but it's her main claim to fame.
Jessica Biel is fit, firm and built for speed. She also plays more interesting characters in her films, even if the movies themselves aren't huge successes. I vote for JB.
Your Reply:



11:37PM on 03/11/2013
Vergara. This Tomb Raider VISA Commercial she did early on did it for me.

[link]
Vergara. This Tomb Raider VISA Commercial she did early on did it for me.

[link]
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9:33PM on 03/11/2013
I have to disagree with this outcome. Sofia all the way
I have to disagree with this outcome. Sofia all the way
Your Reply:



9:27PM on 03/11/2013
I could go on and say Sofia this, and Jessica that... But let's be honest. If I had an ice cream cones chance in hell with either of these ladies, there is no way I would be going, "Well, your ass is not QUITE a Sofia Vergera". So based on the fact that I am but a mere mortal man, they both win. Because if I woke up next to either of them in bed, I would thank my god damn lucky stars.
I could go on and say Sofia this, and Jessica that... But let's be honest. If I had an ice cream cones chance in hell with either of these ladies, there is no way I would be going, "Well, your ass is not QUITE a Sofia Vergera". So based on the fact that I am but a mere mortal man, they both win. Because if I woke up next to either of them in bed, I would thank my god damn lucky stars.
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7:33PM on 03/11/2013

Eh

Can't be too bent out of shape either way this one went. Jessica Biel is much more athletic than Vergara was even in her prime; Biel has one of the most athletic builds among the hottie actresses working today (there are a few more athletic, but they're not in the same sphere of hotness). It's hurt Biel at times; I've heard on more than occasion that Biel looks "mannish," which is utterly ludicrous in my opinion--she's athletic AND hot as hell. No one will ever, ever, ever accuse Vergara of
Can't be too bent out of shape either way this one went. Jessica Biel is much more athletic than Vergara was even in her prime; Biel has one of the most athletic builds among the hottie actresses working today (there are a few more athletic, but they're not in the same sphere of hotness). It's hurt Biel at times; I've heard on more than occasion that Biel looks "mannish," which is utterly ludicrous in my opinion--she's athletic AND hot as hell. No one will ever, ever, ever accuse Vergara of being mannish, however. She could grow a beard and no one would make that accusation.
Your Reply:



6:59PM on 03/11/2013

Are You Daft?!

Sofia runs away with this....hands down.
Sofia runs away with this....hands down.
Your Reply:



6:57PM on 03/11/2013

Love em both

But to be fair those ass shots of Sofia are probably 8-10 years ago. Back then, no contest her body blows away most everyone's especially since her boobs are big and real. JB has a kickass bod and her face is nice, stop the bologna.
But to be fair those ass shots of Sofia are probably 8-10 years ago. Back then, no contest her body blows away most everyone's especially since her boobs are big and real. JB has a kickass bod and her face is nice, stop the bologna.
Your Reply:



4:27PM on 03/11/2013
I could careless, I want to grab both of their asses
I could careless, I want to grab both of their asses
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+14
4:10PM on 03/11/2013
You are fucking crazy.
You are fucking crazy.
Your Reply:



2:30PM on 03/11/2013

I volunteer

I will volunteer to have sex with both of these ladies to help determine who wins.
I will volunteer to have sex with both of these ladies to help determine who wins.
Your Reply:



-13
1:32PM on 03/11/2013
Gotta go with Jessica just because of Vergara's voice, body-wise though, very tough call.
Gotta go with Jessica just because of Vergara's voice, body-wise though, very tough call.
Your Reply:



1:31PM on 03/11/2013

No Fucking Way, Man

First off, you think that Biel's little round fitness ass is better than Vergara's enormously curvacious and thick Colombian booty? Take another look at your images, man.

Secondly, you got 'em tied for build? What the fucking fuck, dude. For starters, you'd expect a couple of chest shots here, but it's obvious that you're trying to protect your favorite by not revealing that her chest--when up against Vergara--is very inadequate.

I agree with you about Biel's face, in that I'm not a fan
First off, you think that Biel's little round fitness ass is better than Vergara's enormously curvacious and thick Colombian booty? Take another look at your images, man.

Secondly, you got 'em tied for build? What the fucking fuck, dude. For starters, you'd expect a couple of chest shots here, but it's obvious that you're trying to protect your favorite by not revealing that her chest--when up against Vergara--is very inadequate.

I agree with you about Biel's face, in that I'm not a fan of it either; mainly because I think she's had too much work done. That nose looks like it's being whittled down to nothing and those lips are looking weird as hell. I wonder how she'll look when she's in her forties? The only thing Biel has/had going for her was that once super fit and round ass. And if you take a look at some of her newer pictures, she's let that slip. Where as, Vergara on the other hand, is in her forties and is still rocking massive curves--and to say "massive curves" is an understatement. So to compare these two and then hand it over to Biel like you have is atrocious.
Your Reply:



1:25PM on 03/11/2013
Jessica Biel. Sexy and attractive in every way possible. She has one of the best bodies(if not the best) out there.

I also think Sofia is overrated.
Jessica Biel. Sexy and attractive in every way possible. She has one of the best bodies(if not the best) out there.

I also think Sofia is overrated.
Your Reply:



12:32PM on 03/11/2013
I find Sofia a bit overrated, she's trying to be Salma Hayek and doesn't even come close.
I find Sofia a bit overrated, she's trying to be Salma Hayek and doesn't even come close.
Your Reply:



11:37AM on 03/11/2013

Sofia Vergara

Despite her looks, Jessica Biel's never really impressed me with her acting or her humour, and Vergara can be funny as hell. Career-wise, Vergara looks to be on the way up (depending on how well MACHETE KILLS does in theatres) while Biel seems to be heading into a comfortable existence as Justin Timberlake's arm candy. And I have a weakness for Latina goddesses.
Despite her looks, Jessica Biel's never really impressed me with her acting or her humour, and Vergara can be funny as hell. Career-wise, Vergara looks to be on the way up (depending on how well MACHETE KILLS does in theatres) while Biel seems to be heading into a comfortable existence as Justin Timberlake's arm candy. And I have a weakness for Latina goddesses.
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11:35AM on 03/11/2013

Biel's butt over Vergara's?

Are you blind? Look at that rump! Of course I'm not going to nitpick these girls, that's like debating which piece of jewelry shines the brightest, but i can't agree at all with the verdict in that category.
Are you blind? Look at that rump! Of course I'm not going to nitpick these girls, that's like debating which piece of jewelry shines the brightest, but i can't agree at all with the verdict in that category.
Your Reply:



-8
11:32AM on 03/11/2013
I'd give Biel all categories. Vergara is just a tad overrated for me.
I'd give Biel all categories. Vergara is just a tad overrated for me.
Your Reply:



11:11AM on 03/11/2013

Biel

I agree with this.
I agree with this.
Your Reply:



-1
10:58AM on 03/11/2013
Biel all the way!
Biel all the way!
Your Reply:



10:32AM on 03/11/2013
I agree on Jessica Biel & yes I dig Sofia but she just seems like a poor mans (or woman?) Salma Hayek.
I agree on Jessica Biel & yes I dig Sofia but she just seems like a poor mans (or woman?) Salma Hayek.
Your Reply:



-1
9:41AM on 03/11/2013

You have not fucking idea!

Sofia Vergara is way too hot than Jessica Biel.
Sofia Vergara is way too hot than Jessica Biel.
Your Reply:



9:21AM on 03/11/2013
Yeah I'd be lying if I said Sofia doesn't get on my nerves. Great body but personality and talent goes a long way. Biel all the way.
Yeah I'd be lying if I said Sofia doesn't get on my nerves. Great body but personality and talent goes a long way. Biel all the way.
Your Reply:



9:21AM on 03/11/2013
Ack! What is this bile? You are way too giving to Biel when Vergara obviously has the better assets physically. The only thin that Biel beats vergara in is body of work. Everything else vergara definitely is much higher on the beauty totem pole.
Ack! What is this bile? You are way too giving to Biel when Vergara obviously has the better assets physically. The only thin that Biel beats vergara in is body of work. Everything else vergara definitely is much higher on the beauty totem pole.
Your Reply:



7:50AM on 03/11/2013
Why choose just one? Why not make it a tie? hmmmm.......
Why choose just one? Why not make it a tie? hmmmm.......
Your Reply:



+5
7:29AM on 03/11/2013
Jessica Biel has always been a favorite.
Jessica Biel has always been a favorite.
Your Reply:



-7
7:21AM on 03/11/2013
Always a though choice if a full-fledged moviestar is pitted against someone who's mostly known just for her looks. I'm more familiar with Jessica's work than with Sofia's but the lack of thong in Jessica's column is disturbing. Plus Sofia wears seamed hosiery so why should I even consider Jessica Biel.
Always a though choice if a full-fledged moviestar is pitted against someone who's mostly known just for her looks. I'm more familiar with Jessica's work than with Sofia's but the lack of thong in Jessica's column is disturbing. Plus Sofia wears seamed hosiery so why should I even consider Jessica Biel.
Your Reply:



6:13AM on 03/11/2013
Honestly, I'd give every category to Sofia.
Honestly, I'd give every category to Sofia.
Your Reply:



+16
12:29AM on 03/11/2013

What?!

Cmon dude. Jessica Biel doesn't begin to compete with Sofia Vergara in any reality.
Cmon dude. Jessica Biel doesn't begin to compete with Sofia Vergara in any reality.
Your Reply:



12:20AM on 03/11/2013

Sofia Vergara

Biel is definitely an attractive woman but for me there's no comparison. Sofia is a curvy latin goddess.
Biel is definitely an attractive woman but for me there's no comparison. Sofia is a curvy latin goddess.
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