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Hottie Report Card: Amber Heard

Oct. 11, 2013by: Salacious Crumb

When we asked you schmoes to pick a MACHETE KILLS hottie for this week's "Report Card", to my surprise, the votes all pointed toward the delectably attractive Amber Heard, pretty much unanimously. Does this mirage-like specimen really even need grading? Of course not, everyone knows all the boys love Mandy Lane! Could it be that you schmoes simply want to ogle some pictures of Heard, because she's been somewhat M.I.A. and your withdrawals are so vigorous you're thinking of going back to the pipe? Sounds reasonable enough to me. In that case, let's get to it!

Amber has the face of an angel. She's like the kind of nurse you'd wake up to coming out of a coma that would make you involuntarily (and stupidly) mutter the words "Am I in heaven?". My only criticism is sometimes, just sometimes, she'll overdo it with the make-up, like an angry teenager with a blank canvas and a bucket of paint. C'mon, Amber! It's not like you look like Sloth underneath the excessive eyeshadow.

In case you haven't picked up on it, I can be a bit harsh, even cruel at times, when it comes to this (obviously) very important subject. However, Amber has put her backside to work in multiple photoshoots, red carpet appearances, and unprecedented scary movie underwear scenes, enough so to warrant her butt at least an "A-".  Remember, this subject isn't all about shapeliness (which Amber most certainly has), the grading is also based on presentation...

Sometimes it's easy to forget just how splendid a pair of muffin-mountains are possessed by Heard. The first time they "stuck out" to me, so to speak, was in the movie ZOMBIELAND, strangely enough. Even as a bloody-face, dead-eyed, foaming-out-the-mouth zombie, I would've gladly offered that undead hottie some Code Red Mountain Dew if it presented me with the opportunity to cop a feel. I know I'm a sicko, just deal with it.

So she probably wouldn't be appearing on "Celebrity American Gladiators" anytime soon, but she's definitely the proud owner of a lady's body. From what I know, most dudes don't measure the quality of a woman's physique by how much she can bench press. Generally, and honestly, I prefer gals whose bodies are a tad more "defined" or "tone", but Amber makes hers work in a very classy, Marilyn Monroe type of way (yes, that is a huge compliment).

Amber's had the opportunity to work alongside so-called "geniuses" like Johnny Depp (THE RUM DIARIES), Mickey Rourke (THE INFORMERS) and Nicholas Cage (DRIVE ANGRY 3-D). Unfortunately, she didn't work with them on the most greatly-received projects of those genius's careers. Still, there must be some reason (other than her beauty) that attracts Hollywood's head honchos enough to keep bringing her name up at meetings. I wouldn't doubt it's just because she's a pretty talented actress who shows up on time, and enjoys keeping herself busy, even to the point of exhaustion. She's a bit like Kristen Stewart, if she had blonde hair and wasn't constipated all the time.

We've seen her at Katy Perry's Jammin' Roller Party, texting in the corner. We've seen her at the Comic-Con panels, twiddling her thumbs, hoping not to get called on. It's cool, you don't need to be the life of the party to be sexy. Sometimes keeping things low-key is the best way to go, as Amber discovered herself before all that "Johnny Depp" drama got too out of control. She's the one who decided to "cool it" with the PDA regarding Captain Jack Sparrow, which many women her age or younger couldn't even fathom. She's also a horror fan, and once called the genre the "tequila of the film industry", which is pretty dern'd cool. What's that? She's bi-sexual, too? Giggity.

Extra Tidbit: What do YOU grade this hottie?

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+1
3:15PM on 10/19/2013

HELL YES

A+++++++++
A+++++++++
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3:47PM on 10/14/2013

Yep.

She deserves and A+. Basically as close to perfection as it gets.
She deserves and A+. Basically as close to perfection as it gets.
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8:46PM on 10/12/2013

I wouldn't necessarily say she has the face of an angel.

It looks more like a devil's seductress face. Not that it sways the grade in any way of course.
It looks more like a devil's seductress face. Not that it sways the grade in any way of course.
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2:41PM on 10/12/2013

A+

Another perfect woman! You should do someone Halloween-y next week like Nicole Beharie from Sleepy Hollow or a scream queen like Danielle Harris.
Another perfect woman! You should do someone Halloween-y next week like Nicole Beharie from Sleepy Hollow or a scream queen like Danielle Harris.
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5:27PM on 10/11/2013

Career

While she might not have had the most blockbuster-y movie career so far (or even television, seeing as how that Playboy series of hers got cancelled right quick), I'll say this: Amber Heard is a great actress. The girl gives it her all, even in thankless roles in mostly forgettable movies. I really enjoy watching her in stuff, which is rare nowadays with most hot looking actresses.
While she might not have had the most blockbuster-y movie career so far (or even television, seeing as how that Playboy series of hers got cancelled right quick), I'll say this: Amber Heard is a great actress. The girl gives it her all, even in thankless roles in mostly forgettable movies. I really enjoy watching her in stuff, which is rare nowadays with most hot looking actresses.
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+0
4:55PM on 10/11/2013
Blood is Thicker than Water, with Amber Heard & Whitney Heard, directed by Tasya van Ree
[link]
Blood is Thicker than Water, with Amber Heard & Whitney Heard, directed by Tasya van Ree
[link]
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2:52PM on 10/11/2013
Her grade is pretty spot on in my opinion, but I guess I kind of disagree on her fitness grade. I know she isn't toned like Candice Swanepoel or anything, but I would never compare her to Marilyn Monroe. Amber isn't nearly as "soft" as Marilyn Monroe was, because no matter how sexy she was seen as then, mostly by today's standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered a bit chubby for an actress, or even more so a model, and Amber usually keeps herself in decent shape.
Her grade is pretty spot on in my opinion, but I guess I kind of disagree on her fitness grade. I know she isn't toned like Candice Swanepoel or anything, but I would never compare her to Marilyn Monroe. Amber isn't nearly as "soft" as Marilyn Monroe was, because no matter how sexy she was seen as then, mostly by today's standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered a bit chubby for an actress, or even more so a model, and Amber usually keeps herself in decent shape.
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2:21PM on 10/11/2013

Amber Heard for Ms. Marvel, anyone?

Her bust size may not be up to how big they're drawn in the comics, but she's got everything else up to par.
Her bust size may not be up to how big they're drawn in the comics, but she's got everything else up to par.
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11:42AM on 10/11/2013
She definitely got my interest in Drive Angry, and bedding Johnny Depp is an accomplishment in itself since I think she is the best looking woman he was ever with.
She definitely got my interest in Drive Angry, and bedding Johnny Depp is an accomplishment in itself since I think she is the best looking woman he was ever with.
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10:35AM on 10/11/2013
More Amber Heard the better. She has always been one of my favorites. So hot and beautiful at the same time.
More Amber Heard the better. She has always been one of my favorites. So hot and beautiful at the same time.
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10:15AM on 10/11/2013
I think she's the yummiest blonde in the business right now. I'm sure Danny Trejo doesn't mind that every single babe throws herself at Machete.
I think she's the yummiest blonde in the business right now. I'm sure Danny Trejo doesn't mind that every single babe throws herself at Machete.
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9:00AM on 10/11/2013
yeah, Amber Heard is slowly making my top 50. she is definitely hot.
yeah, Amber Heard is slowly making my top 50. she is definitely hot.
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8:48AM on 10/11/2013
Nice. I'd probably give her personality an A- though.
Nice. I'd probably give her personality an A- though.
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