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Hottie Report Card: Jenna Fischer

Aug. 16, 2013by: Salacious Crumb

Last week, we got a recommendation to do a "Report Card" for Jenna Fischer. Although, she's not really relevant at this very moment, I haven't a damned clue when she will be now that "The Office" is over, so now is as good a time as any, I suppose. I may wind up wanting to kick myself in the teeth by the end of this, as I am one of the many who've developed a huge crush on "Pam Beesley" after 4 seasons of increasing sexual tension. But is the actress who walked 200+ episodes in Pam's shoes herself worth waiting for? Let's find out with a brief overview of Jenna Fischer's hotness.

Given all that hoopla I wrote above, this grade may seem pretty low. There's no doubt Jenna's cute, but "hot" doesn't quite define her from the shoulders up. She could be Amy Adams's sister, but there would definitely be a Jan/Marsha type of envy going on (I don't even need to tell you which one would be Jan). Truth be told, Fischer does remind you of that receptionist at your work who seemed pretty average at first, but you develop a raging heart-on for her over time.

My only wish is that I had more evidence to truly grade Jenna in this subject properly. From what I've seen, Jenna's bum has great potential. The only problem is what I've seen isn't much (perhaps a beach day is in order?). An occasional over-the-shoulder pose at various red carpet gatherings ain't enough to convince me to slap on an "A" for "ass" this time around. How about a "B" for "Beesley"?

I don't know how many times I've heard Michael Scott make a completely inappropriate comment about Pam's doppelgängers, but I'm sure it's in the double-digits. I've always felt that Jenna's bewbs could light up a room, even if only partially visible. Unfortunately, more often than not, Jenna's outfits are pretty modest. You need GIFs like this to be reminded of the powers possessed by that rack. Otherwise, they're like two heavy Christmas presents you wish you could unwrap, but the tag says "Do not open until next major movie role". (Wishful thinking?).

Sure, her post-baby body a couple years ago may have made an alarm go off in some of our heads, in worry that Jenna's rockin' bod was a thing of the past. Luckily, she recovered rather nicely, and quickly, which is good news considering Jenna's lean physique is most definitely why she broke into the Hottieverse to begin with, along with her role on "The Office". She seems to make the effort to keep her body healthy, which I think does more for her looks than any make-up/hair product will ever do.

There was a time when Jenna was on a track to becoming the next big female name in comedy, with roles in BLADES OF GLORY, THE BROTHERS SOLOMON and WALK HARD: THE DEWEY COX STORY all within the same year, but somehow that train got derailed. She also did a terrific job in a movie you never saw called A LITTLE HELP, which I'd highly recommend if you're a fan of Jenna's. I understand she had a lot on her plate with "The Office" of course, and then she had a kid, and yada yada yada. Still, I can't help but feel something bigger could've become of this everyman's everywoman. But the last movie I remember seeing her in was HALL PASS. Yeesh.

Aside from seeming like one of the most tolerable ex-wives on the planet, Jenna doesn't really display too many personality traits other than just being genuinely "nice" and "sweet". The waterworks certainly built up within her towards the tail-end of "The Office", so I suppose that shows she's not an emotionless stump on the inside. That said, when I imagine sitting down for a chat with Jenna, I don't imagine we'd share very many commonalities. Unless she enjoys ogling pictures of herself, of course.

Extra Tidbit: Thanks to Jay Beezy for this recommendation. Who's next?

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6:45PM on 08/20/2013

Check this out.

[link]
If this doesn't give her personality points, I don't know what does.
[link]
If this doesn't give her personality points, I don't know what does.
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7:47PM on 08/17/2013

That's about how I'd rate her: nice enough but doesn't blow my mind

Who's next? How about . . .
- Natalie Portman
- Jennifer Lawrence
- Sofia Vergara
- Emma Stone
- Emma Watson
- Christina Hendricks
- Zhang Ziyi
- Kelly Brook

The list goes on . . .
Who's next? How about . . .
- Natalie Portman
- Jennifer Lawrence
- Sofia Vergara
- Emma Stone
- Emma Watson
- Christina Hendricks
- Zhang Ziyi
- Kelly Brook

The list goes on . . .
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+1
4:33PM on 08/17/2013
I just have to weigh in and say this grading is bullshit. Jenna is a gorgeous woman with a perfect body, and a stunning face. She gets an A+ all across the board. It seems like your grading scale is based on shallow, narcissistic, and utterly pointless demands. Jenna has far more beauty and charm than I look for in a woman. And to me, when it comes to sexual attraction, there is absolutely no difference whatsoever between "cute" and "hot". "Cute" is simply a tamer way to say "hot". Zooey
I just have to weigh in and say this grading is bullshit. Jenna is a gorgeous woman with a perfect body, and a stunning face. She gets an A+ all across the board. It seems like your grading scale is based on shallow, narcissistic, and utterly pointless demands. Jenna has far more beauty and charm than I look for in a woman. And to me, when it comes to sexual attraction, there is absolutely no difference whatsoever between "cute" and "hot". "Cute" is simply a tamer way to say "hot". Zooey Deschanel in a poodle skirt can stun me with her feminine attractiveness every bit as quickly and easily as Diane Lane in a skin-tight tube dress with a plunging neckline. They both hit me with equal intensity, so why should I pretend like there's a difference between "cute" and "hot"?
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11:33PM on 08/16/2013

No notes on the report card?

All the others have notes.

Also if some of you are wondering why I'm adamant toward this particular one, it's because I got to meet her and take a pic with her about two months ago and she will probably be the pinnacle of celeb encounters I have in my lifetime. haha
All the others have notes.

Also if some of you are wondering why I'm adamant toward this particular one, it's because I got to meet her and take a pic with her about two months ago and she will probably be the pinnacle of celeb encounters I have in my lifetime. haha
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+6
3:15PM on 08/16/2013

HOT!

Love her.
Love her.
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2:02PM on 08/16/2013

Totally Bangable

Her boobs deserve an "A" no doubt.

Isn't this Report Card thing essentially the same as Body Shop? Why not just bring that back, that was my favorite column.
Her boobs deserve an "A" no doubt.

Isn't this Report Card thing essentially the same as Body Shop? Why not just bring that back, that was my favorite column.
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4:41PM on 08/16/2013
I think the Report Card is a reboot of that column.
I think the Report Card is a reboot of that column.
1:17PM on 08/16/2013

hot enough!!!

She's hot, but not bad-ass hot.
BTW I think you guys should do a hottie report card on Julianne moore, she's a good MILF I guess!!!
She's hot, but not bad-ass hot.
BTW I think you guys should do a hottie report card on Julianne moore, she's a good MILF I guess!!!
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1:17PM on 08/16/2013

I had a hunch her grade would be lower than the others so far.

I just thought it would be nice to have one who's not really a big superstar or the subject of people's most perverse sexual fantasies. It's definitely a bit hard to argue against the career grade, but while it's unfortunate that she, along with Christina Applegate, stooped to do something like Hall Pass, it's nice she made the conscious decision to do smaller films like Solitary Man, A Little Help, and The Giant Mechanical Man, not to mention the Neil LaBute play she finished two months ago. I
I just thought it would be nice to have one who's not really a big superstar or the subject of people's most perverse sexual fantasies. It's definitely a bit hard to argue against the career grade, but while it's unfortunate that she, along with Christina Applegate, stooped to do something like Hall Pass, it's nice she made the conscious decision to do smaller films like Solitary Man, A Little Help, and The Giant Mechanical Man, not to mention the Neil LaBute play she finished two months ago. I definitely hope her career gets a nice boost since The Office is over. Her face and personality deserve higher grades though. She may have the face of any normal girl, but she definitely gets you with that smile. Plus, she's certainly relatable and definitely earns points for taking her time with taking off her baby weight like any normal mom (10-12 months vs. the few weeks other hot celebrities have taken to lose the weight), and being open about it, while we have an entire article devoted to how Jennifer Aniston compares eating her first Big Mac in a long time to putting gasoline in a purified system, when plenty of regular people eat Big Macs (I'm not one of them; I prefer better burgers). So she seems like an open book if you ever had a chat with her. One review for A Little Help compared Fischer to Aniston by saying that Fischer still has that approachable girl next door quality that Aniston used to have before becoming, and I quote, an uber-groomed weapon of mass attraction. And Fischer is likely to retain that quality about her for the rest of her career, which I hope is long lasting. You don't just spend Friday night with her; you spend all day Saturday with her. You don't really take her home at night; you take her home to meet the parents. You don't tower over her while having sex to show her how dominant you are; you hold her close while having sex to show her how protective you are. You marry her and have kids with her. Of course, no one can now since she's taken, but she's that type. I mean I like Aniston, but I don't think Fischer deserves lower ratings because her features don't quite match Aniston. They may have different faces, but both have desirable qualities to some. And from what I've seen, Fischer is just as much of a sweetheart as Aniston. So it is kinda unfair to grade her relative to traditional celebrity hotties since she's not the traditional type of celebrity hottie. Maybe this should have been the "Cutie Report Card" instead.

In your defense, you did say you would end up wanting to kick yourself in the teeth over this grading. So I hope you're doing that. haha

As for next week, since Mortal Instruments comes out, how about we do Lena Headey, to get back to the types who we sexually fantasize about?
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12:38PM on 08/16/2013

HOT!!!

(Face) should be at least a "B+" if not an "A-", and (Boobs) should be a solid "A". She if the type of HOT that you marry.
(Face) should be at least a "B+" if not an "A-", and (Boobs) should be a solid "A". She if the type of HOT that you marry.
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+5
11:27AM on 08/16/2013

HOT

I've always been a big fan. I think she's extremely hot.
I've always been a big fan. I think she's extremely hot.
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+6
11:20AM on 08/16/2013
She's really freakin' hot! I think the grades should be based (the body ones) not on the availability or amount of body pictures you find but what's in the pics you do find.
She's really freakin' hot! I think the grades should be based (the body ones) not on the availability or amount of body pictures you find but what's in the pics you do find.
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10:52AM on 08/16/2013
Can't say I agree. Last week Aniston got an overall A- and I think Jenna beats her in every category.
Can't say I agree. Last week Aniston got an overall A- and I think Jenna beats her in every category.
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10:32AM on 08/16/2013
Straight A's for me.
Straight A's for me.
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+5
9:52AM on 08/16/2013
Jenna is definitely an all around hottie to me!
Jenna is definitely an all around hottie to me!
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9:49AM on 08/16/2013
I really like Jenna Fischer and probably would give her higher grades in a few categories. Especially her boobs. Those are just wonderful.
I really like Jenna Fischer and probably would give her higher grades in a few categories. Especially her boobs. Those are just wonderful.
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9:41AM on 08/16/2013
A's across the board for me.
A's across the board for me.
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9:39AM on 08/16/2013
I do love how Paperman didn't even make it ambiguous that the main characters were based on Pam and Jim. Jenna Fischer certainly has that "hottie next door" appeal.
I do love how Paperman didn't even make it ambiguous that the main characters were based on Pam and Jim. Jenna Fischer certainly has that "hottie next door" appeal.
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