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Hottie Report Card: Jennifer Aniston

08.09.2013by: Salacious Crumb

We've been doing this "Hottie Report Card" thing for about a month now, and I'm still trying learn just how to go about using the "grading system" on hotties and certain parts of their anatomy, so bare with me. Some of you were upset by the grades received by British bombshell Alice Eve last week, which is understandable. Some also recommended we try out a hottie whose personality sticks out as a shining feature. After suddenly realizing the comedy WE'RE THE MILLERS comes out this friday (overshadowed, of course by Sharlo Copely's wicked beard), I realized its leading lady is just what this column needs. So let's put the spotlight on a hottie with more than the bare minimum amount of "flair", Jennifer Aniston.

I've always personally found Jennifer's face rather generic (please don't throw stuff at me). Sure, as far as attractiveness, she's the pick of the litter when it comes to the original "Friends" cast, but I've never found myself lost in her eyes or anything. That said, I've heard many people refer to her as "gorgeous" and "stunning" and such things as this. So either those people are slightly off, or I'm just a shallow asshole. I'd probably place my bets on the latter.

For the amount of times I could repeatedly watch Jennifer slapping her ass in that WE'RE THE MILLERS trailer, it seems wrong to send her off with an average grade in this subject, despite her butt being quite average in actuality. It doesn't look cottage-cheesy, but it doesn't look like she's smuggling two fine hams in her panties, either. Given her age, however, it's kept its stabilization rather impressively.  F*ck it, I'm giving that arse a "B", just for hanging in there like a champ.

So maybe Jenny's various see-thru wardrobes on "Friends" brought in an exponential amount of viewers back in the day, but how do they hold up now? Well, they may not be massive, but we don't need to click our heels to believe in their existence. I'm also taking into account that many of you schmoes dig smaller breasts, and stick with the "handful is enough" method, in which case Jennifer's bewbs are just about spot-on. Plus, I'm not gonna sit here and pretend I haven't drooled over this image multiple times...

Considering she's 44-years-old and has proven to be fully capable of pulling off a bikini (not literally, unfortunately), it'd be rude to grant Aniston anything lower in this subject.  Not to mention her apparent comfort and total confidence in displaying her figure on the big screen, time and time again. Sure, her body isn't as tone as some 20-year-olds, but most young hotties will be lucky if they look half as good as Aniston come another 20 years. If you disagree, meet me out in the parking lot after 5th period.

I've never gotten into "Friends" and I don't plan on starting anytime soon. That said, I know that if there was one cast-member who blew up like the Death Star once the show finally wrapped, it's wasn't Lisa Kudrow. I feel Aniston has navigated her acting career extremely well, even if she's mainly known as the queen of comedy. She hasn't done anything mind-blowing since, let's say, THE LEPRECHAUN, but jumping from OFFICE SPACE to BRUCE ALMIGHTY to ALONG CAME POLLY to HORRIBLE BOSSES to WANDERLUST were all pretty smart moves on her part, if her plan was to be deemed "the queen of movie comedies" (let's just leave Adam Sandler out of this).

To me, there's nothing sexier than a woman who knows how to have a good time anywhere, no matter what curveballs are thrown her way. That's the kinda person Jennifer Aniston seems like to me. Of course, I could be wrong, and maybe she's a total bee with an itch, but from what I gather, that's not the case. She may enjoy a drink or two, or five, but that doesn't bother me so long as she isn't turning pedestrians into pancakes. She seems young at heart, although she doesn't live in the past. Fun and hardworking are a great combo, and something I believe most men strive to find in a lady.

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6:15PM on 08/15/2013
Actually, it's likely we're getting Amber Heard tomorrow with the release of Paranoia. Maybe Jenna Fischer next week? Or do we hold off for another week? Lena Headey is in Mortal Instruments which is coming out next week.
Actually, it's likely we're getting Amber Heard tomorrow with the release of Paranoia. Maybe Jenna Fischer next week? Or do we hold off for another week? Lena Headey is in Mortal Instruments which is coming out next week.
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8:43PM on 08/12/2013

Aniston THIS!

Her movie career stinks...now there is a actress who might serve him in Movie Jail....her rom-coms are horrible, just horrible...but then she does pure comedy (Office Space, Horrible Bosses) and starts to help her movie career in a postiive way....If she sticks to GOOD comedies and maybe some serious dramas. she might lift up her career.
Her looks have always puzzled me...one minute she is average and "cute" but not remotely attractive...then you see some of the above photos and her
Her movie career stinks...now there is a actress who might serve him in Movie Jail....her rom-coms are horrible, just horrible...but then she does pure comedy (Office Space, Horrible Bosses) and starts to help her movie career in a postiive way....If she sticks to GOOD comedies and maybe some serious dramas. she might lift up her career.
Her looks have always puzzled me...one minute she is average and "cute" but not remotely attractive...then you see some of the above photos and her nakedness in THE BREAK-UP and things in WE ARE THE MILLERS and you see what she is hiding from us...She is defintely attractive but for some reason doesnt always show it...she definitely earns a B+
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11:28AM on 08/10/2013

Rating's too high, IMO

especially in career and personality. She's obviously done the best out of the FRIENDS gang but, other than cult films like OFFICE SPACE, her movie career has been mostly crap rom-coms. And, as was noticed in another MH column, she can't keep a relationship together.
especially in career and personality. She's obviously done the best out of the FRIENDS gang but, other than cult films like OFFICE SPACE, her movie career has been mostly crap rom-coms. And, as was noticed in another MH column, she can't keep a relationship together.
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9:49AM on 08/10/2013
She Deserved More
She Deserved More
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10:07PM on 08/09/2013
I'd be happier if she just went nude or stopped taking roles that tease the potential for nudity only to not deliver. Other than that, I like her.

Anyway, how about someone who's not a superstar or supermodel type for next week, like Jenna Fischer?
I'd be happier if she just went nude or stopped taking roles that tease the potential for nudity only to not deliver. Other than that, I like her.

Anyway, how about someone who's not a superstar or supermodel type for next week, like Jenna Fischer?
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-3
4:43PM on 08/09/2013
Something about her face that just doesn't do it for me.
Something about her face that just doesn't do it for me.
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2:53PM on 08/09/2013

Hottest...

... pre-Brad Pitt. Is it just me, but when I look at the women that Brad has had serious relationships with (Juliette Lewis, Gwyneth Paltrow, Angelina Jolie) they all look sucked up, starved out and not as hot when they are with him or directly after being with him. Separation has returned the looks to Jen and Gwyn and Juliette, but Angelina looks as if her lifeforce is being sucked out of her ala THE DARK CRYSTAL. Jen was the only one who looked decent during the years with Brad, but she too
... pre-Brad Pitt. Is it just me, but when I look at the women that Brad has had serious relationships with (Juliette Lewis, Gwyneth Paltrow, Angelina Jolie) they all look sucked up, starved out and not as hot when they are with him or directly after being with him. Separation has returned the looks to Jen and Gwyn and Juliette, but Angelina looks as if her lifeforce is being sucked out of her ala THE DARK CRYSTAL. Jen was the only one who looked decent during the years with Brad, but she too also lost a lot of weight, lost her tits, didn't look nearly as good as she did during her first 3 seasons or so of "Friends" when she was more rounded out. I approve of her nose job(s) for reasons more than the aesthetics and I am surprised she looks this good since she's a well-known hardcore stoner. But yeah, I think the hottest is that butt pic from the Rolling Stone Cover, back with the Rachel haircut and the soft lines on her.
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2:33PM on 08/09/2013

Well, this professor scores it a little differently.

Face: C+
Ass: A
Boobs:A+
Fitness: A+
Career: B-
Personality: B
Face: C+
Ass: A
Boobs:A+
Fitness: A+
Career: B-
Personality: B
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+4
2:03PM on 08/09/2013
Overrated to me. Most of her films are a miss and she's about as vanilla as they come in Hollywood. She looks admittedly good for her age, but there's never really been anything special about her. A C at best.
Overrated to me. Most of her films are a miss and she's about as vanilla as they come in Hollywood. She looks admittedly good for her age, but there's never really been anything special about her. A C at best.
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1:57PM on 08/09/2013
I think her grade is a tad bit too high, because there are people hotter than Jennifer Aniston, and if they were to be graded, it doesn't leave enough room in between their grades. For example example if Olivia Wilde were to be graded, her grade above Jennifer Aniston would not match how much she is actually hotter than Jennifer Aniston. Hope that makes sense. Jennifer Aniston is really really hot though, and I don't disagree much with her grade, my only complaint with her in general is the
I think her grade is a tad bit too high, because there are people hotter than Jennifer Aniston, and if they were to be graded, it doesn't leave enough room in between their grades. For example example if Olivia Wilde were to be graded, her grade above Jennifer Aniston would not match how much she is actually hotter than Jennifer Aniston. Hope that makes sense. Jennifer Aniston is really really hot though, and I don't disagree much with her grade, my only complaint with her in general is the lack of nudity in her career.
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9:18PM on 08/09/2013
I don't think the lack of nudity is the problem. There are a lot of actresses who haven't done nudity. The problem is that Aniston takes on these roles that tease the potential for nudity only for her to not follow through.
I don't think the lack of nudity is the problem. There are a lot of actresses who haven't done nudity. The problem is that Aniston takes on these roles that tease the potential for nudity only for her to not follow through.
12:23PM on 08/09/2013

She's the ultimate cougar.

plus she still has both of her breasts, bonus.
plus she still has both of her breasts, bonus.
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+17
10:19AM on 08/09/2013
Her career is a D, lets be honest.
Her career is a D, lets be honest.
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-15
9:13AM on 08/09/2013

Face ?

B-
B-
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7:46AM on 08/09/2013

I love her...

love my Wife but if Jennifer came calling my wife could have an unfortunate accident.
love my Wife but if Jennifer came calling my wife could have an unfortunate accident.
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9:36AM on 08/09/2013
I agree. I love your wife too, but Jennifer would be way too hard to resist.
I agree. I love your wife too, but Jennifer would be way too hard to resist.
+7
5:08AM on 08/09/2013
The grade is too high for the face, way too high for career, and ridiculously too high for personality. Otherwise I agree!
The grade is too high for the face, way too high for career, and ridiculously too high for personality. Otherwise I agree!
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