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Hottie Report Card: Kate Upton

Apr. 25, 2014by: Salacious Crumb

We all knew a report card for America's busiest model Kate Upton was coming eventually, and since she'll be supporting Cameron Diaz and Leslie Mann in THE OTHER WOMAN this weekend, there's no better time than today. Now, I realize that just because Kate is one of the world's most known figures in the modeling industry today, she's not everyone's cup of tea, so I might as well start off by saying I'm a fan of Kate's. I'm not going to hide my true feelings because some people get more of a thrill out of poking fun at Upton than looking at her, which just seems nuts. In other words, there will be no fat shaming in this particular column, today. So, with my bias point of view set in mind, let's get down to studying every inch of this student body… with pictures!

If you highly disagree with this grade, you might as well leave this classroom now, because it doesn't get any better. You can go ahead and make the argument that Kate would be nothing without her giant boobs, but you don't wind up on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue 3 times in a row by looking like Elmer Fudd above the shoulders; I don't care how big your boobs are. While personally find her attractive in a girl-next-door sort of way, there's something about Kate's mug that just screams "kiss me". Or "bang the bejeezus out of me", I still haven't made up my mind.

Not the side of Kate that America was dying to see on the big screen in slow-motion, but then again, we won't turn our heads away when it happens. I've seen people comment on Kate having a "flat ass", but really, the only thing flat here is that assessment. I think Kate's got a wonderful derriere, and I'm perfectly fine with the way it is, thank you very much. It might not be the feature that sticks out most, but photographers have utilized her butt in magazine shoots many, many times, and that ain't because it's ugly.

What else did you expect? Despite our udder infatuation with bewbs as a species, it really is rare for a hottie's rack to overshadow all of her other features (and Manhattan, for that matter). Honestly, what can be said about this area on Kate that hasn't been daydreamed about by men everywhere. They're like two Cool-Aid dudes obnoxiously busting through a living room wall. "Oh yeah!!"

When it comes to those who deny Upton's radiant hotness, and while I grossly disagree with them, I can see some people might not find Kate particularly "fit". That said, to call her "fat" is just an early sign of dementia, and you should go see a doctor, like, right now. GO. To me, Kate has the torso of a regular, yet lovely woman. She looks soft in a way that makes me want to go sky-diving and land on her. Sure, her legs are a bit noodley, but that isn't a huge issue for most of us, and it certainly doesn't mean she's chubby. If so, well, then I guess that makes me a chubby chaser.

Modeling-wise, Kate Upton has gone above and beyond the boundaries of simply standing in front of a camera in a bikini. At 21-years-old, she's been on more magazine covers than most models will appear in magazines throughout their whole careers. She's one of the only models to have done shoots on all 7 continents. She's worn bikinis next to the penguins of Antarctica. Hell, she's even worn them in zero-gravity. Her career as a model has been wildly successful, and almost unbelievable in some cases. Acting-wise, Kate's career has been a giant pile of crap. It's a little tough to say whether or not Kate would be a tolerable dinner date, but then again, I'd probably be too distracted by the view, anyway.

From what I've seen, of course, Kate can come off as a little ditzy. I would have definitely cut her some slack if she'd gone to prom with that zit-faced teenager last year, but she was too busy doing that ridiculous Hot Pockets commercial with Snoop Dogg. All this to say, she does seem like a fun person to hang around. Sure, her life seems to be one big party, but she also works harder and keeps herself busier than most professional actors, even. Let's just hope she doesn't quit filling out those bikinis anytime soon.

Extra Tidbit: Do you agree with this grade? How would you have graded Kate?

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12:15AM on 04/28/2014
LOVE this woman!
LOVE this woman!
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9:45PM on 04/26/2014

Haters Gonna Hate

All that wacky tobaccy is frying somebody's brain. See below:
All that wacky tobaccy is frying somebody's brain. See below:
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+2
4:30PM on 04/26/2014
That 'F' is hilarious, Bridge. =D
That 'F' is hilarious, Bridge. =D
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4:00PM on 04/26/2014
In a sensible world, this would be her grade.
Face = D+
Ass = C-
Boobs = F
Fitness = D+
Career = C
Personality =C

In a sensible world, this would be her grade.
Face = D+
Ass = C-
Boobs = F
Fitness = D+
Career = C
Personality =C

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+0
4:03AM on 04/26/2014
Yeah, them jugs are good.
Yeah, them jugs are good.
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3:11AM on 04/26/2014
She absolutely awesome. Her body and face are for sure of my kind. She also reminds me of these shaped models from the 90s before anorexia destroyed modeling. Kate looks like a funny girl too who doesn"t tke herself too seriously. She's definitely gorgeous and even if she's not for everyone's taste, I really can't understand all the haters saying she's fat and annoying. Jealousy ? Frustration because most of 'em would never even approach a girl like Kate ? I don't know, really.
She absolutely awesome. Her body and face are for sure of my kind. She also reminds me of these shaped models from the 90s before anorexia destroyed modeling. Kate looks like a funny girl too who doesn"t tke herself too seriously. She's definitely gorgeous and even if she's not for everyone's taste, I really can't understand all the haters saying she's fat and annoying. Jealousy ? Frustration because most of 'em would never even approach a girl like Kate ? I don't know, really.
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+0
1:08AM on 04/26/2014
She's pretty enough, but she's also got a gummy smile, dumpy breasts, and she's built like a tree trunk. There's far better looking out there, which is why I find the obsession with her puzzling.
She's pretty enough, but she's also got a gummy smile, dumpy breasts, and she's built like a tree trunk. There's far better looking out there, which is why I find the obsession with her puzzling.
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4:18PM on 04/26/2014
Thank you! That has been my whole thing about her as well. Even if there are those that think she is attractive, how in the world can so many people have such an obsession with her, when there are so many celebrities/models, and just women in general, that are so much more attractive. There are women out there that have her same "good qualities", or what others consider to be her good qualities, but without any of her bad qualities. Like you said, she has a weird smile, dumpy boobs, and she has
Thank you! That has been my whole thing about her as well. Even if there are those that think she is attractive, how in the world can so many people have such an obsession with her, when there are so many celebrities/models, and just women in general, that are so much more attractive. There are women out there that have her same "good qualities", or what others consider to be her good qualities, but without any of her bad qualities. Like you said, she has a weird smile, dumpy boobs, and she has no waistline, "or hip to waist ratio". That's why I think a lot of people are seriously compromised in their judgement just because she has big boobs, and society says big boobs means hot or sexy. The other people obsessed with her I believe are just trying to get behind a celebrity that isn't skinny, because these days it's just so damn cool to be against skinny. Even though there is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman being fit and in shape.
+0
11:42PM on 04/25/2014

I adore Kate, but I think the ratings are off.....

I'll agree on the face and boobs, but her ass is really flat compared to her breasts (and her body shape). Her fitness is obviously no better than a B because she is literally overweight (even if only by a little). I'd upgrade her personality however, because she is obviously a fun person who doesn't fall into the whiny narcissist category like most models. She likes who she is and her confidence has led to a great career against the odds.
I'll agree on the face and boobs, but her ass is really flat compared to her breasts (and her body shape). Her fitness is obviously no better than a B because she is literally overweight (even if only by a little). I'd upgrade her personality however, because she is obviously a fun person who doesn't fall into the whiny narcissist category like most models. She likes who she is and her confidence has led to a great career against the odds.
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9:35PM on 04/25/2014
She's not one of my all-time favorites, but I like her.
She's not one of my all-time favorites, but I like her.
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7:41PM on 04/25/2014
She's really hot and cute. A for me.
She's really hot and cute. A for me.
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2:16PM on 04/25/2014
She's the only high profile model in the world who doesn't appear to have a waist.
She's the only high profile model in the world who doesn't appear to have a waist.
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1:45PM on 04/25/2014

She is so generic looking in the face...There's nothing special about her at all.

She is the most overrated girl in the world now. That use to belong to Angelina Jolie, but Upton hasn't taken that crown.
"If you highly disagree with this grade, you might as well leave this classroom now, because it doesn't get any better."...An A+ would be better than an A. Just saying. ;-)
She is the most overrated girl in the world now. That use to belong to Angelina Jolie, but Upton hasn't taken that crown.
"If you highly disagree with this grade, you might as well leave this classroom now, because it doesn't get any better."...An A+ would be better than an A. Just saying. ;-)
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12:58PM on 04/25/2014

No complaints with those scores

The haters can go back to their 14-year-old boys, IMO. There's no way Kate Upton would have gotten as far as she has if she wasn't the complete package . . . and what a package!
The haters can go back to their 14-year-old boys, IMO. There's no way Kate Upton would have gotten as far as she has if she wasn't the complete package . . . and what a package!
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-3
12:53PM on 04/25/2014
not a fan of her round face ans upturned nose, would give it a c
career i would give her a d for that awful stoges movie and now an awful cameran diaz movie
dont know anything about her personality.
the others i agree
not a fan of her round face ans upturned nose, would give it a c
career i would give her a d for that awful stoges movie and now an awful cameran diaz movie
dont know anything about her personality.
the others i agree
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12:16PM on 04/25/2014

Boobs

Boobs
Boobs
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12:06PM on 04/25/2014

Cute Sexy

She's more cute than slutty, and that's a tough thing for some women to master.
She's more cute than slutty, and that's a tough thing for some women to master.
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12:03PM on 04/25/2014
Kate is definitely a hottie. She has a really pretty face and one of the best pair of tits on the planet.
Kate is definitely a hottie. She has a really pretty face and one of the best pair of tits on the planet.
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9:47PM on 04/26/2014
You got that right.
You got that right.
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