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Hottie Report Card: Keri Russell

Jul. 11, 2014by: Salacious Crumb

Settle down, class! Quit monkeying around! I know most of us are going apeshit over DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES, which came out today. That's why our student under study this week is longtime movie hottie Keri Russell, who also currently stars on "The Americans" on FX. At this point, her hotness probably doesn't need any further analysis, but that won't stop us from taking this opportunity to look at some toothsome pictures of her. Keri's so hot, she could turn MIGHTY JOE YOUNG into KING KONG, if you know what I'm saying. So let's get down to business (... monkey business!), and see if Russell still rustles our jimmies.

Back in the good old days, I new very well who Keri was, but it wasn't because I watched "Felicity" or had seen any of her films. It was because I thought she was f*cking gorgeous, and back then, she pretty clearly was. These days, the situation isn't that different, she's just a more hot, grown-up version of her hot, younger self. As my grandma would say, Keri has a "youthful" look, and that's never a bad thing (unless it's really creepy).  And if there's anyone qualified to define what make movie stars "hot" these days, it's my gam gam.

Although I would like for there to be nothing but great things about Keri's derriere, there's really not a whole lot to say at all. Those who check out this column often enough (and actually read it) know that I base this grade significantly on the presentation of the ass at stake. Given that Keri's been around for a couple of decades, I'm genuinely surprised by the lack of decent butt shots from her. Thankfully, she's been working on that part of her portfolio as of late, specifically in certain episodes of "The Americans".

As the character "Peter" said in the film EIGHT DAYS A WEEK, Keri's breasts are just the perfect size to fill a martini glass. While I've never applied this analogy to how I grade boobies, I would have to agree. For a smaller0chested woman, Keri has a way of making it work for her, and has even made her little Russells impressively stand out on occasion.

This is where I can't help but give Keri some well-deserved credit. While many of the hotties who walk into this class are young, with many years ahead to spiral into wreckage, Keri has maintained a stunning bod over the course of the couple decades she's been known by couch potatoes all across the globe. She made us even more aware of her kept-up fitness in a recent issue of Women's Health magazine, and the results were pretty flippin' fantastic...

Keri had a pretty reliable launching pad for her career back in the nineties, starring in the hit teen drama series "Felicity". For whatever reason, she basically disappeared for about a decade, without any sort of warning. Back then, I don't know if anyone would've considered her an especially good actress, but now things are beginning to change. She has "The Americans", which has built up a significant fanbase, and now she can be seen in what may be the best-reviewed film of the Summer, DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES. So I guess there's still some hope left for Keri to really make an impression on us, although it probably won't be as impactful as the wet t-shirt she bared in EIGHT DAYS A WEEK. Holy hell.

While I typically hand out a "B+" by default to hotties I'm not too familiar with, Russell fits the bill quite perfectly, actually. When I've seen her appear on the red carpet, or various talk shows, she seems like a very friendly being, but just a tad bit boring. Then again, as an actress, she seems to be game for a lot of stuff other actresses wouldn't, and for that, I have to give her some well-deserved extra credit. Hopefully we'll be seeing more of Keri's fun side in the coming months, though only time will tell.

Extra Tidbit: How do you grade this hottie?

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1:01AM on 07/14/2014

I remember liking Felicity...

it was funny seeing how much of a stupid bitch she was.
it was funny seeing how much of a stupid bitch she was.
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1:43PM on 07/12/2014
No complaints here other than I've never seen The Americans.
No complaints here other than I've never seen The Americans.
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5:27AM on 07/12/2014
w Rhys have been confirmed to be dating. Perhaps it was her prudish nature that kept Keri from revealing her romantic relationship to her new hot British beau boyfriend. The former Felicity, who is still in the process of divorcing her husband
w Rhys have been confirmed to be dating. Perhaps it was her prudish nature that kept Keri from revealing her romantic relationship to her new hot British beau boyfriend. The former Felicity, who is still in the process of divorcing her husband
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9:51PM on 07/11/2014
Ass = C+? Did you actually see the scene where she shows it off in 'The Americans'?

That is one fine derrire

Ass = C+? Did you actually see the scene where she shows it off in 'The Americans'?

That is one fine derrire

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3:02PM on 07/11/2014

I more or less agree

She's never really caught my eye, honestly. That's not to say that when I see her, I don't find her attractive, because I do, but for some reason, when I think "Movie Hottie," she would probably never come to my mind. I guess I'm just not too familiar with her, which isn't horrible, but it certainly doesn't do her any favors. However, just looking at the pictures and a few clips of her, I do think she's attractive. I might have rated her "Ass" section a bit lower, but other than that, I
She's never really caught my eye, honestly. That's not to say that when I see her, I don't find her attractive, because I do, but for some reason, when I think "Movie Hottie," she would probably never come to my mind. I guess I'm just not too familiar with her, which isn't horrible, but it certainly doesn't do her any favors. However, just looking at the pictures and a few clips of her, I do think she's attractive. I might have rated her "Ass" section a bit lower, but other than that, I agree.

If you're still taking suggestions for future Report Cards, how about Emma Stone?
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12:52PM on 07/11/2014
I too think her grade is a little low as well. Her ass definitely deserves a B+ at least, considering it is an excellent ass, and she has recently given us a glorious unclothed look at it on The Americans. Also, if you ask me her boobs look perfect on her body, and they are definitely very proportionate, so they should get an A in my opinion, and that is not even taking into account that I love small boobs. That is just what she should get because her boobs truly go perfect with the rest of her
I too think her grade is a little low as well. Her ass definitely deserves a B+ at least, considering it is an excellent ass, and she has recently given us a glorious unclothed look at it on The Americans. Also, if you ask me her boobs look perfect on her body, and they are definitely very proportionate, so they should get an A in my opinion, and that is not even taking into account that I love small boobs. That is just what she should get because her boobs truly go perfect with the rest of her body. Size should factor very little into the grading process. I pretty much agree with the rest of her specific grades, but I completely agree with those that think she is even better looking now than she was in her younger days.
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12:29PM on 07/11/2014
I'd give her A-. She might has low score in T&A section but overall she's hot. A- for me.
I'd give her A-. She might has low score in T&A section but overall she's hot. A- for me.
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12:11PM on 07/11/2014

Way toooooo loooowwwww!

you gave this chick a B? someone must like boys cuz this chick is smoking hot and has definetely gotten more sexy as she has aged. I never cared for her as felippity bus on the Americans......mmmmmm dirty little girl that I have seriously changed my tune on. Terrible grade, I'd easily given her a A. they gave her a C on Ass....that was a big mistake
you gave this chick a B? someone must like boys cuz this chick is smoking hot and has definetely gotten more sexy as she has aged. I never cared for her as felippity bus on the Americans......mmmmmm dirty little girl that I have seriously changed my tune on. Terrible grade, I'd easily given her a A. they gave her a C on Ass....that was a big mistake
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9:54AM on 07/11/2014
She has no ass how could you grade it higher. Her face is very unattractive to me. She's a C- at best
She has no ass how could you grade it higher. Her face is very unattractive to me. She's a C- at best
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9:14AM on 07/11/2014
Keri's ass and career grades should be a lot higher. She looks better now than she ever did on Felicity or any of her early movies.
Keri's ass and career grades should be a lot higher. She looks better now than she ever did on Felicity or any of her early movies.
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7:47AM on 07/11/2014
Honestly, never really found her hot. Cute, yes, but not hot. Her tummy in that movie looks excellent though. She was kind of miscast as the voice of Wonder Woman. Nothing against her though, so I'm keeping this green. Movie Hotties really needs a neutral setting!
Honestly, never really found her hot. Cute, yes, but not hot. Her tummy in that movie looks excellent though. She was kind of miscast as the voice of Wonder Woman. Nothing against her though, so I'm keeping this green. Movie Hotties really needs a neutral setting!
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