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Hottie Report Card: Khlo Kardashian

Jan. 10, 2014by: Salacious Crumb

After several weeks of handing out A's to some top-shelf hotties, I had an urge to put someone to the test who isn't a complete knockout. I even asked you schmoes to do me the honor of picking out such a celeb, but the only one to respond with a valid suggestion was americanmoviefan, who recommended Khloé Kardashian. I thought at least one person would drop the name "Lena Dunham", seeing how the new season of "Girls" premieres this weekend. Then I remembered that there's a whole society of Dunham enthusiasts foaming at the mouths, patiently waiting for someone like me to write something about her odd boobs. Frankly, I'm not in the mood for pitchforks and torches. If I'm going to make superficial, obscene judgements about someone, that someone had better be superficial and obscene, too. In other words, Khloé Kardashian it is!

I've always heard people refer to Khloe as "the ugly Kardashian" up until recently. Honestly, if I squinted my eyes looking at all 3 of them, I would only be able to identify Khloe because she's freakishly tall (not really, actually… She's 5'10"). There's a constantly-changing mixture of other celebrities mashed into Khloe's face. Here it's Kristie Alley meets Fergie, maybe? I'd still prefer Khloe's au naturel over some of the other Kardashian's pin-cushion cheeks.

We're all aware the women in Khloe's family are heavily endowed in the lower-back region. It's in their genes, or more specifically, their jeans. You may have even noticed Khloe's arse is slightly bigger than Kim's. It's definitely an attention-getter, but after your eyeballs have time to focus, it's not exaclty all that attractive. It's a little more humorous, especially with Khloe's tendency to flaunt her giant wedgie around in leggings for all to see.

I can honestly state that I've never once had a single thought about this Kardashian's little Khloe's. I could take 'em or leave 'em. Oddly enough, this warrants her the best grade on her report card.

I understand Khloe has gotten in significantly better shape over the last year, so I'll take this one easy on her. She's still no supermodel, and has a slightly-skewed skeletal structure, but she deserves some respect for the wieght-loss. Shedding a few pounds can be a rewarding accomplishment, especially when you're rich and don't have to. I'm going to cut myself off here, because I can't seem to stop writing mean things.

What career, right? Okay, some could make the argument that gliding through life leeching off of the hotness and success of your siblings is difficult task that requires a rare skill set. The thing is, shows like "Keeping Up With The Kardashians", "Khloé & Lamar" and "Kourtney & Khloé Take Miami" aren't just terrible programming, but they provided the leeway for other misguided morons to make television series about their lives. And then your peers (and my peers) spend hours upon hours stroking their egos while Khloe and her sisters suck their brains out with a slurpee straw.

None of the Kardashian sisters are known to be all too bright, deep, creative, or even conscious at all times. Somehow, Khloe has often found a way to appear as the ditzier one of the bunch, which is pretty remarkable considering who her co-stars are. Overall, Khloe is exactly the kind of person I'd hope to never be associated with or come within 50 yards of. All that said, she's still just a tad above Snooki.

Extra Tidbit: What grade do you give Khloe?

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+1
2:37PM on 01/11/2014

What is the point of this report card?

Just to be a dick and rip on someone you don't like? It is obvious you are going to flunk her from the start, so why do it? I would hope you have better things to do with your time than kick someone when they are down and of the Kardashian girls, she is the one who has the most going on as far as personality goes and she is obviously going through a tough time right now, so why kick her when she is down? Pretty low move! I am not a fan of any of this celebrity chasing and the whole
Just to be a dick and rip on someone you don't like? It is obvious you are going to flunk her from the start, so why do it? I would hope you have better things to do with your time than kick someone when they are down and of the Kardashian girls, she is the one who has the most going on as far as personality goes and she is obviously going through a tough time right now, so why kick her when she is down? Pretty low move! I am not a fan of any of this celebrity chasing and the whole Kardashian movement but I think this move on your part was unwarranted.
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5:13PM on 01/11/2014
oooo cmon and relax. you know that she's is a terribly ugly person inside and out. we are just the few who are not blind and see the world the way it is. so fuck off troll
oooo cmon and relax. you know that she's is a terribly ugly person inside and out. we are just the few who are not blind and see the world the way it is. so fuck off troll
+3
2:35PM on 01/11/2014
She looks like a shaved wookiee. But I'd still hit it. With a rolled-up newspaper.

And no, there's no way Robert Kardashian is her real dad.
She looks like a shaved wookiee. But I'd still hit it. With a rolled-up newspaper.

And no, there's no way Robert Kardashian is her real dad.
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5:12PM on 01/11/2014
Totally agree..and I'd sure watch you hit her with a rolled up news paper!
Totally agree..and I'd sure watch you hit her with a rolled up news paper!
12:04PM on 01/11/2014

Lame

First, why even present a Kardashian unless you are actually trolling for negativity? And I actually hate saying it, taking away who she is this young lady is actually quite attractive. Especially compared to other celebs that have been featured here. It's being a Kardashian that is the turn off.
First, why even present a Kardashian unless you are actually trolling for negativity? And I actually hate saying it, taking away who she is this young lady is actually quite attractive. Especially compared to other celebs that have been featured here. It's being a Kardashian that is the turn off.
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12:12AM on 01/11/2014

sweetums........

you know those full sized Muppet costumes, like Sweetums? that's what she looks like to me...a big fucking Muppet monster.
you know those full sized Muppet costumes, like Sweetums? that's what she looks like to me...a big fucking Muppet monster.
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9:18PM on 01/10/2014
When I watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians I would look away when Khloe would appear. I just can't stand looking at fat girls. That being said, she's not fat anymore. C+.
When I watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians I would look away when Khloe would appear. I just can't stand looking at fat girls. That being said, she's not fat anymore. C+.
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12:39PM on 01/11/2014
you hate looking at fat girls? wow… i feel sorry for you.
you hate looking at fat girls? wow… i feel sorry for you.
9:04PM on 01/10/2014
Im not a fan of the Kardashians but Khloe is the least offensive and I do have a certain fondness for large women.
Im not a fan of the Kardashians but Khloe is the least offensive and I do have a certain fondness for large women.
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12:41PM on 01/11/2014
Large women? You do know she's not that big, right? she only looks huge when standing next to her midget sisters. they are like 5' 3" and 5' 2"
Large women? You do know she's not that big, right? she only looks huge when standing next to her midget sisters. they are like 5' 3" and 5' 2"
6:15PM on 01/10/2014

Ya'll need to

Ya'll arseholes need to chill the heck down! This is the ugliest Kardashian and in fact ugly period! There are women 100 times more attractive than her in our normal lives. I'll close my eyes while she suck my cock.
Ya'll arseholes need to chill the heck down! This is the ugliest Kardashian and in fact ugly period! There are women 100 times more attractive than her in our normal lives. I'll close my eyes while she suck my cock.
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5:16PM on 01/10/2014
I do not like the Kardashians really at all, but I do agree her assessment is a bit harsh. Even though I do not like them, I actually think Khloe is a lot better than her 2 sisters. I really can't stand Kim and Kourtney, or Kris, or even Kylie for that matter, but Khloe is actually somewhat tolerable compared to them. With that said, I would have given her face a B, because she can look pretty, it's just some of the stuff she says, does, and wears that makes her less attractive. For her ass, I
I do not like the Kardashians really at all, but I do agree her assessment is a bit harsh. Even though I do not like them, I actually think Khloe is a lot better than her 2 sisters. I really can't stand Kim and Kourtney, or Kris, or even Kylie for that matter, but Khloe is actually somewhat tolerable compared to them. With that said, I would have given her face a B, because she can look pretty, it's just some of the stuff she says, does, and wears that makes her less attractive. For her ass, I think I would have to give her a D+, but that's because I am seriously not attracted to big asses. Same goes for big boobs, they are not attractive to me at all, but Khloe's aren't that huge, so I would give her a C+ there. Fitness would definitely be a C in my opinion, as well as her career. As for personality, she is better than most her family, but she is still a Kardashian, so I have to go with a C. So I believe those grades would make her a C overall, and a C is better than the D she was given. As for Lena Dunham, I'm not worried about pitchforks and torches, so I would be happy to give her an honest Report Cardf, if you would rather not.
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5:03PM on 01/10/2014
Khloe is constantly under fire for being fat and I don't know why. I don't remember her being that overweight. I'm not going to argue about her career or personality (or even her face) but I feel like the scores on Boobs, butt, and fitness got rounded way down because of the bad grades in the others.
Khloe is constantly under fire for being fat and I don't know why. I don't remember her being that overweight. I'm not going to argue about her career or personality (or even her face) but I feel like the scores on Boobs, butt, and fitness got rounded way down because of the bad grades in the others.
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2:41PM on 01/10/2014
you're being a real dick, dude. Khloe is better looking to me than Kourtney. I think you are just doing this to be an asshole. Her ass is at least a B. Her tits are A. Her fitness is B. Her face is at least a C. I dislike you. I like the chick.
you're being a real dick, dude. Khloe is better looking to me than Kourtney. I think you are just doing this to be an asshole. Her ass is at least a B. Her tits are A. Her fitness is B. Her face is at least a C. I dislike you. I like the chick.
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3:58PM on 01/10/2014
I agree that her assesment was harsh, but Your saying her fitness is a B? Are you serious? Fitness is not subjective like the grading of boobs and asses. You like big boobs and big asses, so you would give her boobs and ass a higher grade than someone like me, who likes those attributes smaller. Fitness though, that is not subjective, your either fit or your not, and some may like woman who are not fit, but you can't just say they are fit because you like them. Giving someone a B means they are
I agree that her assesment was harsh, but Your saying her fitness is a B? Are you serious? Fitness is not subjective like the grading of boobs and asses. You like big boobs and big asses, so you would give her boobs and ass a higher grade than someone like me, who likes those attributes smaller. Fitness though, that is not subjective, your either fit or your not, and some may like woman who are not fit, but you can't just say they are fit because you like them. Giving someone a B means they are just one or two steps behind the hotties that are the most fit, like Maria Menounos, and Khloe is not that close to her fitness level.
With that said, her fitness is probably around a C, not a B.
3:54PM on 01/12/2014
Sure fitness is subjective. Watch the female athletes in the Olympic games next month and tell me that Maria Menounos is still considered "most fit" in your estimation. I'm not saying these women should be compared to Olympic or professional athletes, but yes, fitness is subjective and that's why. In addition, one person's B is another person's C, as since there are no absolute right or wrong answers here, grading itself is subjective as well.
Sure fitness is subjective. Watch the female athletes in the Olympic games next month and tell me that Maria Menounos is still considered "most fit" in your estimation. I'm not saying these women should be compared to Olympic or professional athletes, but yes, fitness is subjective and that's why. In addition, one person's B is another person's C, as since there are no absolute right or wrong answers here, grading itself is subjective as well.
+17
2:15PM on 01/10/2014

WHOA! HANG ON A MINUTE!

I can't believe I'm gonna defend a Kardashian, but you're way off with your comments on her fitness. You talk about her like she's fat. She's curvy. Better than some anorexic model who looks like a stick. That being said, you're right about the rest.
I can't believe I'm gonna defend a Kardashian, but you're way off with your comments on her fitness. You talk about her like she's fat. She's curvy. Better than some anorexic model who looks like a stick. That being said, you're right about the rest.
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2:09PM on 01/10/2014

Wow

Dang, pretty harsh assessment here. I know we're judging chicks on here which is sexist in itself, but c'mon, this review seemed a bit mean-spirited. Personally, I dig all the Kardashian chicks, including Khloe. I think she's hot in a "regular" way.
Dang, pretty harsh assessment here. I know we're judging chicks on here which is sexist in itself, but c'mon, this review seemed a bit mean-spirited. Personally, I dig all the Kardashian chicks, including Khloe. I think she's hot in a "regular" way.
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1:15PM on 01/10/2014

I know this isn't saying much, but...

out of all the Kardashian sisters, Khloe offends me the least.
out of all the Kardashian sisters, Khloe offends me the least.
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12:57PM on 01/10/2014
How about we just stick with actresses next time.
How about we just stick with actresses next time.
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12:42PM on 01/10/2014

I'm not a fan, but...

...this seems just like a pointless exercise in eviscerating her publicly on this site to garner page views. Lame.
...this seems just like a pointless exercise in eviscerating her publicly on this site to garner page views. Lame.
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11:23AM on 01/10/2014

It's only true

I am all for this post and agree with the scores but at least she doesn't look like Wendy Williams. We know that Wendy is a man. Either way, I'd still fuck both bitches cuz the bitches can't resist my cock anyway.
I am all for this post and agree with the scores but at least she doesn't look like Wendy Williams. We know that Wendy is a man. Either way, I'd still fuck both bitches cuz the bitches can't resist my cock anyway.
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10:30AM on 01/10/2014
I think you're purposely giving her terrible marks because everyone else had great ones. This isn't fun when you're just taking someone apart viciously.
I think you're purposely giving her terrible marks because everyone else had great ones. This isn't fun when you're just taking someone apart viciously.
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+16
10:26AM on 01/10/2014

Unnecessary

I agree with duffer - seems like you picked this just so you could be over the top harsh.
I'm not into her either, but I think this was done just so you dont constantly have a A's and B+'s.
I agree with duffer - seems like you picked this just so you could be over the top harsh.
I'm not into her either, but I think this was done just so you dont constantly have a A's and B+'s.
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+27
10:11AM on 01/10/2014

Give Me a Break

Now we are posting girls in this column just to make fun of them? I'm not a fan of hers but the grades here are certainly lower than she deserves. I will probably get voted down for this, and that's okay, I just don't see the point in putting a lady in here just to rip on her. Is she on crappy reality tv shows? Yes. Famous for basically nothing? Yes. If a television network wanted to follow you around with a camera and pay you copious amounts of money, would you do it? Yes.
Now we are posting girls in this column just to make fun of them? I'm not a fan of hers but the grades here are certainly lower than she deserves. I will probably get voted down for this, and that's okay, I just don't see the point in putting a lady in here just to rip on her. Is she on crappy reality tv shows? Yes. Famous for basically nothing? Yes. If a television network wanted to follow you around with a camera and pay you copious amounts of money, would you do it? Yes.
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8:18AM on 01/10/2014
I think Hottie Report Card has its bottom of the class student. Conan O'Brien had this gem on his celebrity survey segment:

"I get most of my exercise from..."
Ellie Kemper wrote: "A brisk jog every day."
Jason Momoa wrote: "Playing basketball with the guys."
Khloe Kardashian wrote: "Swatting away airplanes as I ascend the Empire State Building."
I think Hottie Report Card has its bottom of the class student. Conan O'Brien had this gem on his celebrity survey segment:

"I get most of my exercise from..."
Ellie Kemper wrote: "A brisk jog every day."
Jason Momoa wrote: "Playing basketball with the guys."
Khloe Kardashian wrote: "Swatting away airplanes as I ascend the Empire State Building."
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8:05AM on 01/10/2014

Thanks For Taking My Suggestion!

!
!
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+11
7:04AM on 01/10/2014

Yeah, about right. Don't care about any of the Kardashians.

Anyway, how about Lena Dunham for next week?

Or, better yet, how about Alexandra Daddario, considering her 'epic' scene in True Detective?
Anyway, how about Lena Dunham for next week?

Or, better yet, how about Alexandra Daddario, considering her 'epic' scene in True Detective?
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