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Hottie Report Card: Kristen Bell

Aug. 30, 2013by: Salacious Crumb

At first, I wasn't sure if I wanted to subject myself to the pressure of ranking Kristen Bell's current state of hotness. She obviously has an abundance of die-hard fans (whom she got to help finance a VERONICA MARS movie), and on top of that, I kinda really dig this woman. That isn't to say I would just give her A's across the board, though. So, once again, I may end up wanting to kick myself when I reread this thing tomorrow. Either way, Kristen's film THE LIFEGUARD, which opens today, could probably use any attention it can get (as if Bell in a one-piece, "Baywatch"-style bikini was enough). And hey, I could've easily focused this week's column on Miley Cyrus with all the hoopla going around, so be grateful. Now on to the pictures!

I'm not gonna get hypocritical here and pretend Bell isn't a very lovely woman. She was perfect for the role of SARAH MARSHALL, because she's hot, but not completely unapproachable to an average schmoe. She's like the girl in your high school group of friends who was way too hot for you then, but now your both grown up, you have a car and a leather wallet, and she just may give you the time of day. It's too bad my Power Rangers wallet is made of velcro.

The hunt for Kristen Bell "ass" pictures was by far my favorite part of putting this column together, so I obviously want to send her off with a higher grade in this subject. My only issue is, for all the pretty decent photos featuring Kristen's bum there are among the web, not a lot of them feature the entire rear. Most of them hide the other cheek like Gus Fring's skeletal face, creating a frustrating mystery. Seeing as it's one of her best physical features, I would only recommend she'd dare to expose it more often.

And speaking of some much needed exposure… It seems like there was a time I was much more aware of Kristen's sweater yams, but over the years they've been pretty much erased from my memory. I certainly would't go so far as to say they're non-existent, but as far as I can tell, Bell's bewbs are just a tad above adequate. Of course, this is going by what I've seen. They might look perfect with the rest of her body. Tell you what, Kristen, for every topless scene you do in the future, I'll give you 10% extra credit.

I'm not sure exactly how much Kristen struggles with keeping in shape, but it doesn't seem like much. I would chalk it up to yoga and a vegetarian diet, habits a sloth like myself would never commit to. Whatever it is, it's working. Kristen's physique, in my opinion, is a huge part of what makes her attractive at first glance (that and her swirly blonde locks). She's not quite as athletically built as someone like last week's Lena Headey, but close. Not too thin, not even close to flabby... It'd be a shame to grant her anything less than 90% in this subject.

It could be the curse of playing the title character, but most everyone still knows Bell as either "Veronica Mars" or "Sarah Marshall", despite having several other starring roles since.  The fact that she'd garnered enough attention to get those leading roles is pretty impressive, even if they were in films like WHEN IN ROME, COUPLES RETREAT and YOU AGAIN. Her resume may be thick, but she has yet to really move us with her acting chops, and according to recent reviews, THE LIFEGUARD isn't that golden ticket. I really do hope critics throw her a bone sooner than later, whether in the VERONICA MARS movie or (more likely) future episodes of HBO's "House of Lies".

Has a crush on Chewbacca, thinks farts are funny, performed "Reefer Madness: The Musical" on stage, pretty and isn't married to some douchey billionaire... Yup, looks like for the second week in a row, personality trumps all other categories for this hottie. Even on the worst day of her life, Bell seems like she'd probably greet strangers with a smile and disperse positive energy all around her. Sure, it might be psychologically damaging, but that's what makes her worthy of this grade.

Extra Tidbit: How would you have graded this hottie? Differently, I bet.

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2:50AM on 09/02/2013

Um...

All the grades should be A+, I believe something's off with the grading system

Just my opinion
All the grades should be A+, I believe something's off with the grading system

Just my opinion
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12:54AM on 09/01/2013
I've been a huge fan of Kristen's since her Veronica Mars days and with that being said, the ass rating is far too low. A+ all the way; look no further than her jogging scene from When in Rome...spandex FTW. BTW, loved the "sweater yams" reference...not sure many picked up on it; well done.
I've been a huge fan of Kristen's since her Veronica Mars days and with that being said, the ass rating is far too low. A+ all the way; look no further than her jogging scene from When in Rome...spandex FTW. BTW, loved the "sweater yams" reference...not sure many picked up on it; well done.
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4:32AM on 09/01/2013
[link]
[link]
[link]

Yeah, don't know what the writer is talking about. There are many other pictures in these galleries as well.
[link]
[link]
[link]

Yeah, don't know what the writer is talking about. There are many other pictures in these galleries as well.
+3
5:43PM on 08/31/2013
Loves me some Kristen!I'm not gonna rate her but I definitely think she's a hottie!
Loves me some Kristen!I'm not gonna rate her but I definitely think she's a hottie!
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10:20AM on 08/31/2013

This woman is awesome

It sucks that she hasn't gotten that one juicy role (however you define that), but she's fantastic in House of Lies.
It sucks that she hasn't gotten that one juicy role (however you define that), but she's fantastic in House of Lies.
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6:16AM on 08/31/2013
My review of this article: learn how to fucking spell.
My review of this article: learn how to fucking spell.
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+4
12:41AM on 08/31/2013
Pretty fair all across. I agree with everything except her face deserves an A+. She is too beautiful for a B.
Pretty fair all across. I agree with everything except her face deserves an A+. She is too beautiful for a B.
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12:07AM on 08/31/2013

SUPER HOT!

You forgot to add the awesome movie, Hit and Run, to her career. Easily her best movie.
You forgot to add the awesome movie, Hit and Run, to her career. Easily her best movie.
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+1
4:58PM on 08/30/2013
This grade is way to low. She's soooo hot.
This grade is way to low. She's soooo hot.
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2:58PM on 08/30/2013
I think a B is a fair grade for the lovely KB.
I think a B is a fair grade for the lovely KB.
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2:15PM on 08/30/2013
FEET: A+
FEET: A+
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12:50PM on 08/30/2013
No way that face gets only a B, that's the best part of her. The career grade is right on target though.
No way that face gets only a B, that's the best part of her. The career grade is right on target though.
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+10
12:30PM on 08/30/2013
Grade Anna Kendrick next!!!
Grade Anna Kendrick next!!!
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11:33AM on 08/30/2013
She's hot, not only in terms of her appearance, but in the way she seems really fun to be around. Not every Hollywood hottie feels like "girlfriend material", the kind of woman us regular guys would be so lucky to hang out with, but she does seem that way.
She's hot, not only in terms of her appearance, but in the way she seems really fun to be around. Not every Hollywood hottie feels like "girlfriend material", the kind of woman us regular guys would be so lucky to hang out with, but she does seem that way.
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9:57AM on 08/30/2013

A Definite Hottie!!!

I would go higher on the ass, "A-" if not a solid "A" aat least (that's one of her best features). Maybe drop the face to a "B-", her eyes cross a bit at times. Fitness a solid "A" and career a "C+". in my humble opinion.
I would go higher on the ass, "A-" if not a solid "A" aat least (that's one of her best features). Maybe drop the face to a "B-", her eyes cross a bit at times. Fitness a solid "A" and career a "C+". in my humble opinion.
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9:44AM on 08/30/2013

B+

Her face is uniquely beautiful but the girl has an AMAZING ass. Watching "Couples Retreat" on blu-ray is always easy on the eyes.
Her face is uniquely beautiful but the girl has an AMAZING ass. Watching "Couples Retreat" on blu-ray is always easy on the eyes.
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7:48AM on 08/30/2013
LOL "isn't married to douchey billionaire" but she is married to a douche
LOL "isn't married to douchey billionaire" but she is married to a douche
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10:46PM on 08/30/2013
In this case, "douche" = "not me." ;)
In this case, "douche" = "not me." ;)
7:38AM on 08/30/2013
I love Kristen Bell. She is near the top of the most beautiful women in Hollywood as far as I'm concerned. And I love her new mommy boobs.
I love Kristen Bell. She is near the top of the most beautiful women in Hollywood as far as I'm concerned. And I love her new mommy boobs.
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