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Hottie Report Card: Megan Fox

Aug. 8, 2014by: Salacious Crumb

This weekend sees the release of Michael Bay's latest billion dollar turd, TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES, which will presumably be the worst thing to happen to our half-shelled heroes since THE SECRET OF THE OOZE. Of course, the film also stars Megan Fox as "April O'Neil" a casting choice fans thought would single-handedly ruine the movie until the first image of Donatello came out. I get the hate for Michael Bay and his fetish for product placement, but as an advocate of hotties in movies, I feel Megan deserves another shot. We recently featured her as our Hottie of the Month of August, and according to the response, it seems some of you schmoes feel the same way. That's why this week we ask that you share your own "progress report" on Megan. Do you think she can retrieve her crown as one of the sexiest women alive? Do you think she's past her prime, but still has some hottie chops left in her? Do you think she's a crossbreed between a wild boar and garbage can? That's a bit harsh, bro. Let's dissect this subject further... with the help of pictures!

Call me a stubborn old man, but I don't respond well to change, and Megan's mug has undergone change persistently over the past 7-or-so years. What's the most bothersome about this is that 7 years ago, Megan looked (arguably) her best. Honestly, there were momenst within that time frame where she looked downright dispicable. Luckily, it's been a while since any noticeable difference, and she's finally starting to resemble a fox again.

I definitely wouldn't be bored by the sight of it these days, and you may not recall, but Megan used to own one of the best asses in the industry. What happened? Clearly, the subtle weight-loss wasn't so subtle in this particular area. Don't get me wrong, I would still park my Optimus Prime in her Bumblebee, but looking at old photos only makes me yearn for what could've been. I'm hereby starting a petition for Megan to get her original booty back. Who's with me? Anyone? Oh, you didn't continue reading past that link. I don't blame you.

There's not much to be said, other than I've enjoyed what Fox's funbags have brought to the table over the years. They don't overpower her other features, which isn't a bad thing, it just means Megan stands out as a whole package that much better. Megan's cleavage has been known to fill up an entire movie screen from time to time, and when it comes to photoshoots, she's always willing to make them a part of the fun, which is a major plus.

If Megan's body were a slice of pizza, I think "Kowabunga!" would just about sum it up. As much as some may not want to admit it, just about everyone was perving on Megan Fox when she first came on the scene. The one thing that hasn't changed since then is her torsoe, which is as tight as the Shredder's underwear, and curves in all the right places. This is one midriff I'll defend until the end of time.

Megan has portrayed a fallen angel (PASSION PLAY), a demonic maneater (JENNIFER'S BODY), a prostitute in the west (JONAH HEX) and the primary T&A of the first two installments of a highly successful film franchise (TRANSFORMERS 1&2), yet critics aren't impressed. Whether it's lousy decision making, or that she's not a terrific actress, or both, I suppose is anyone's guess (it's both). Some may even be wondering just how exactly Megan has made such a name for herself in Hollywood, and refer those people to the last 3 subjects above. Perhaps her role in TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES will humorous and lighthearted enough to get dudes interested again, but we'll have to wait and see.

Okay, so I won't give too long of a rundown here, but some of you may remember all the "conroversy" regarding Megan's reportedly snotty attitude on the set of TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN. However much of that is true doesn't really matter anymore, because for one, it was a long time ago, and two, she publically apologized for it. I personally doubt she's trying to hide her secret life as a couldron-stirring succubus, and if fact, she may be very nice. Unfortunately, she's also sort of gained a reputation for having the same IQ as the anchovies on a pizza, but I say it hasn't gotten that bad yet. Not until she starts dating Nick Lachey.

Check out our previous Hottie Report Cards...

"A" Students: Salma Hayek, Jennifer Aniston, Paula Patton, Gemma Arterton, Amber Heard, Lacey Chabert, Jaimie Alexander, Gillian Jacobs, Natalie Dormer, Amy Adams, Alison Brie, Alexandra Daddario, Kelly Brook, Kate Mara, Eva Green, Carla Gugino, Scarlett Johansson, Kate Upton, Sofia Vergara, Jennifer Lawrence, Charlize Theron, Olivia MunnZoe Saldana.

"B" Students: Sandra Bullock, Alice Eve, Jenna Fischer, Lena Headey, Kristen Bell, Anna Kendrick, Cobie Smulders, Rashida Jones, Danielle Harris, Nicole Beharie, Ellie Kemper, Michelle Trachtenberg, Evangeline Lilly, Meagan Good, Gabrielle Union, Yvonne Strahovski, Sarah Hyland, Emily Browning, Imogen Poots, Tina Fey, Karen Gillan, Rebecca Hall, Elizabeth Banks, Annet Mahendru, Emily Blunt, Emilia Clarke, Moon Bloodgood, Danielle Fishel, Keri Russell, Cameron Diaz, Rachel McAdams.

"D" Students: Khloe Kardashian.

Extra Tidbit: Do you think Megan needs to go back into hotness training? What would you grade her, professor?

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12:52PM on 08/11/2014
I dig Megan, I don't dig the trolling of her by certain writers and a lot of flacid weenis fanboys who can't tell make-up from botox.
I dig Megan, I don't dig the trolling of her by certain writers and a lot of flacid weenis fanboys who can't tell make-up from botox.
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7:10PM on 08/09/2014
Who the fuck scores this shit shes more of a B+ or an A
Who the fuck scores this shit shes more of a B+ or an A
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12:35PM on 08/09/2014

Yeah, don't care about any real personality-less hotties. About right.

Anyway, it's been a while since I asked for this. Next week's report card is probably going to Nina Dobrev because of Let's Be Cops, but...

Would you consider doing a Hottie *Progress* Report Card on Melissa Fumero from Brooklyn Nine Nine eventually? Or Hottie Progress Report Cards on other potential hotties on the rise that are of legal age?
Anyway, it's been a while since I asked for this. Next week's report card is probably going to Nina Dobrev because of Let's Be Cops, but...

Would you consider doing a Hottie *Progress* Report Card on Melissa Fumero from Brooklyn Nine Nine eventually? Or Hottie Progress Report Cards on other potential hotties on the rise that are of legal age?
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12:18PM on 08/09/2014
That first pic of her in the bathroom with the panties and the ass decides it for me.A+ extra credit!
That first pic of her in the bathroom with the panties and the ass decides it for me.A+ extra credit!
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1:03AM on 08/09/2014
I don't like her work as an actress and don't like her personality, but she was unbelievably hot in the first Transformers. After that she's had some plastic surgeries and lost a bit of weight and now she is a shadow of her former self.
But I have to admit, she is still a very attractive woman. Nothing too spectacular, but definitely hot.
I don't like her work as an actress and don't like her personality, but she was unbelievably hot in the first Transformers. After that she's had some plastic surgeries and lost a bit of weight and now she is a shadow of her former self.
But I have to admit, she is still a very attractive woman. Nothing too spectacular, but definitely hot.
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2:17PM on 08/08/2014

D-

I'm no fan of Megan's on the screen. She just plain annoys me. She looks ok in still pictures but that's about it.
I'm no fan of Megan's on the screen. She just plain annoys me. She looks ok in still pictures but that's about it.
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+2
1:57PM on 08/08/2014

her face

I'm not a huge fan of hers. but I think her face (dem lips, dem eyes) are gorgeous. I would've given her face an A. she also has fabulous hair (i'm not gay).
I'm not a huge fan of hers. but I think her face (dem lips, dem eyes) are gorgeous. I would've given her face an A. she also has fabulous hair (i'm not gay).
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12:00AM on 08/09/2014
The fabulous hair comment is even funnier considering your handle, and Zohan's ambition in the film.
The fabulous hair comment is even funnier considering your handle, and Zohan's ambition in the film.
12:01PM on 08/08/2014
She's okay, I think she was really overhyped as a sex symbol during the Transformers days, to the extent Pamela Anderson was when Baywatch (heh, Bay-watch) came out. Wasn't a fan initially, but she's looked more radiant and natural as of late.
She's okay, I think she was really overhyped as a sex symbol during the Transformers days, to the extent Pamela Anderson was when Baywatch (heh, Bay-watch) came out. Wasn't a fan initially, but she's looked more radiant and natural as of late.
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+1
11:29AM on 08/08/2014

C

None of it is real,except her personality which by all accounts sucks
None of it is real,except her personality which by all accounts sucks
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+1
11:13AM on 08/08/2014
That ass pic in the link can't be real, surely? I'd give her a higher rating on her boobs.
That ass pic in the link can't be real, surely? I'd give her a higher rating on her boobs.
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