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Hottie Report Card: Paula Patton

Sep. 13, 2013by: Salacious Crumb

It looks like we're going with Movie Fan Central schmoe Jay Beezy's pick for this week's "Report Card", for suggesting the exuberantly sexy Paula Patton. Don't worry, I liked all the gals you suggested, and will definitely find a place for them in the near future. I picked Paula this time around for a couple of reasons. For one, she's currently in-between film releases right now, with 2 GUNS still in theaters, and BAGGAGE CLAIM due out at the end of this month. For two, she's married to someone the media can't seem to shut up about at the moment, Beetlejuice Robin Thicke. You know, that hairy turd with sunglasses permanently glued to his face? Well, let's forget about that guy for a moment, and let's ogle some pictures of his wife!

If Hayley Atwell and Sofia Vergara made love, wouldn't that just be a splendid thing to catch on tape? And if somehow (let's leave the mechanics out of this) they were able to create another being containing the same DNA as each other, I imagine that being's face would be similar to Paula Patton's. That's an exhaustingly roundabout way of saying Paula's beauty is too much for just one woman. Am I in the wrong here?

Those of you who caught 2 GUNS over the summer were rewarded with what is probably the best shot of Paula's rambunctious rump to date. Unfortunately, this is yet another case of Shy Buttocks syndrome, although we did get a delightful view when Paula took a trip to the beach. I wouldn't mind Patton that. Still not quite enough to brand it with a 100%, but enough to keep hopeless neckbeards like myself craving more.

I'd like to claim that baggage (or lack thereof, I should say?). While it's pretty obvious Paula puts a lot of pressure on her gals to create friction together at big events, I can't say I don't enjoy looking. It may be forced, but it's some of the most magnificent cleavage I've set eyes upon. You might even say she's got 2 BIG'UNS. Okay, I'll shut up now.

Each of the above qualities are all the more improved by Paula's outstandingly vigorous physique. She seems to have a load of energy, and thickness in all the right places. There was a moment where she started to go a tad boney on us, but now she appears to be back in full form. She'd be a delicious Donner Party treat, I wouldn't know which part to throw on the fryer first. Probably the pork shoulder. (Go ahead and write your letters, recovering cannibals).

Paula just made a name for herself in Hollywood not too long ago, landing her first major roles being in DÉJÀ VU and IDLEWILD in 2006. Since then, her filmography has leapfrogged from supernatural horror (MIRRORS) to award-winning drama (PRECIOUS) to action-packed popcorn flicks (M:I - GHOST PROTOCOL, 2 GUNS). Her resume isn't dense, but she's certainly made a lot of slick career moves in a short amount of time. Still, I foresee it will take a couple years before Paula truly shines.

I hate to be so critical of a lesser-known hottie, but while Paula has exceptional physical qualities, my interest goes into a tailspin after hearing her talk for 5 minutes. While I don't disagree with some of her statements ("Nudity is Beautiful!!! Violence is ugly."), they're often phrased in the words of an insane person. I don't care that her hubby is a tool, I don't even care about that "twerking" stint with Hanna Montana. What really rustles my jimmies is she actually thinks her husband's music is art, and overlooks the fact that he sometimes gets overly friendly with other women. Sometimes I can't tell if she sees herself as Paula Patton: actress, or just as Robin Thicke's uber-hot wife. Wait, which one is she again?

Extra Tidbit: What do you grade this hottie?

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10:50PM on 09/16/2013
She is an "A GRADE " babe to me, simply gorgeus
She is an "A GRADE " babe to me, simply gorgeus
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10:37PM on 09/14/2013
I find her absolutely stunning but just NOW found out she's married to Robin Thicke and threw up on my keyboard. She must be damaged goods to like that douche.
I find her absolutely stunning but just NOW found out she's married to Robin Thicke and threw up on my keyboard. She must be damaged goods to like that douche.
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-15
2:47PM on 09/14/2013

jeny

my co-worker's sister makes $71 hourly on the internet. She has been out of work for 9 months but last month her paycheck was $18885 just working on the internet for a few hours. more information...
www.jam30.com
my co-worker's sister makes $71 hourly on the internet. She has been out of work for 9 months but last month her paycheck was $18885 just working on the internet for a few hours. more information...
www.jam30.com
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4:31PM on 09/13/2013

Bonafide hottie!

Gemma Arterton or Cobie Smulers next please! (HIMYM is on its final season starting soon)
Gemma Arterton or Cobie Smulers next please! (HIMYM is on its final season starting soon)
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4:57PM on 09/13/2013
Let's have Gemma in three weeks when Runner Runner opens.
Let's have Gemma in three weeks when Runner Runner opens.
+5
1:10PM on 09/13/2013

Sexy

I agree with every word you said in regards to it seeming as if she feels lucky to be with a guy who is often very flirtatious and suggestive with other women... She must be harboring some insecurities about herself...
I agree with every word you said in regards to it seeming as if she feels lucky to be with a guy who is often very flirtatious and suggestive with other women... She must be harboring some insecurities about herself...
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-17
12:49PM on 09/13/2013
That face is not even close to an A, B- at best.
That face is not even close to an A, B- at best.
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+11
12:24PM on 09/13/2013
How can you get a D and still pull off an A- average?

How can you get a D and still pull off an A- average?

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12:57PM on 09/13/2013
And that is one of the lowest ratings I have seen on a Hottie report card, too. Shenanigans!!!
And that is one of the lowest ratings I have seen on a Hottie report card, too. Shenanigans!!!
11:55AM on 09/13/2013
Something about her doesn't click with me, maybe it's the Adams apple...
Something about her doesn't click with me, maybe it's the Adams apple...
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12:24PM on 09/13/2013
lmao
lmao
1:07PM on 09/13/2013
Must be the fact that she does not resemble Jason Momoa?
Must be the fact that she does not resemble Jason Momoa?
5:23PM on 09/13/2013
Shonk must be looking for someone to browse guys with. Sorry bud, barking up the wrong tree
Shonk must be looking for someone to browse guys with. Sorry bud, barking up the wrong tree
9:12AM on 09/13/2013

She is hot but a typical good girl

Thicke has said that she is basically the muse to "Blurred Lines" and how he has dominated her. I know plenty of girls like her and all you probably do too. They are the girls who are overly nice, with douchebag boyfriends who they apologize for on a regular basis, and find deep meaning in everything. If these girls have an instagram, facebook, or some other form of social media, they cover the walls of those sites with inspirational quotes that they never live by. Sorry, rant over.
Thicke has said that she is basically the muse to "Blurred Lines" and how he has dominated her. I know plenty of girls like her and all you probably do too. They are the girls who are overly nice, with douchebag boyfriends who they apologize for on a regular basis, and find deep meaning in everything. If these girls have an instagram, facebook, or some other form of social media, they cover the walls of those sites with inspirational quotes that they never live by. Sorry, rant over.
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11:03AM on 09/13/2013
8:10PM on 09/13/2013
No need to apologize, you're absolutely right. Those are the women who come crying to you when he cheats on her with all her friends or slaps her around, then a week later she's telling everyone how deliriously happy she is while you're trying to understand WTF is wrong with her.

Just disappointing......
No need to apologize, you're absolutely right. Those are the women who come crying to you when he cheats on her with all her friends or slaps her around, then a week later she's telling everyone how deliriously happy she is while you're trying to understand WTF is wrong with her.

Just disappointing......
9:09AM on 09/13/2013
She's got an excellent figure and I really want to see her in more action-centric roles. Her voice is really sexy as well and I think she looks strong without looking overly masculine and is, of course, very sexy. Robin Thicke was probably really relieved he had her to go home to after grinding up against Miley freaking Cyrus at the VMAs.
She's got an excellent figure and I really want to see her in more action-centric roles. Her voice is really sexy as well and I think she looks strong without looking overly masculine and is, of course, very sexy. Robin Thicke was probably really relieved he had her to go home to after grinding up against Miley freaking Cyrus at the VMAs.
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8:45AM on 09/13/2013
Can't say I disagree about the personality. Guess she is sort of just a physical hottie.

Anyway, Rush opens in limited next week so Olivia Wilde should be next.
Can't say I disagree about the personality. Guess she is sort of just a physical hottie.

Anyway, Rush opens in limited next week so Olivia Wilde should be next.
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8:34AM on 09/13/2013
She's gorgeous.
She's gorgeous.
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8:21AM on 09/13/2013
In terms of looks, she's perfect in my opinion. Her taste in men though brings her down considerably in personality.
In terms of looks, she's perfect in my opinion. Her taste in men though brings her down considerably in personality.
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