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Hottie Report Card: Salma Hayek

Jul. 26, 2013by: Salacious Crumb

Hottie Report Card is a strictly-for-fun discussion about various hotties and is not to be taken seriously in any way. We tried this a couple weeks ago with Sandra Bullock, and you schmoes were real grown up about it, so thanks. Speaking of "grown-ups", why don't we direct the spotlight onto a hottie who has recently made the mistake of lingering in the downward spiral that is Adam Sandler comedies, by starring in GROWN UPS 2? That's right, let's step into the principal's office with one of the JoBlo community's favorite ladies of cinema, Salma Hayek.

Sexy, feminine and expressive are the three key ingredients to a "hot" face in my book. The "expressive" part is very important, because what good is gorgeous mug without spicing it up with some attitude/emotion? And Salma certainly knows how to work it. To top it off, Salma appears to have never had any "work done", thus proving the theory that natural beauty ages like fine wine. Still, this is a tough call, as there are so many other hotties out there, some of whom earned that label for just their face alone. Of course, with Salma, we all know that's no the case...

Let me get my ruler. The fact that I couldn't decide on just one photo should be an indicator as to why Hayek's hiney gets a capital 'A' in this ever-so appropriate of categories. Salma's almost as breathtaking to look at from behind as she is in front, which is saying a lot. However, she shares the same minor annoyance as Sandra Bullock in that they rarely ever let the booty out of its cage these days. That's very odd, because Salma certainly doesn't have that issue with her next "subject".

Please click here, here, and here for further evidence as to why Salma has exceeded in this particular subject throughout her career. Salma's bodacious moon balloons are so powerful, they pretty much solely kept her out of Movie Jail, and have even put Oliver Stone under some kind of perverted hypnosis. Scientists have called them the 8th and 9th wonders of the world. They're colossal, natural, gravity defying, and hell, even a sort of nostalgic. A little bit of that FROM DUSK TILL DAWN magic rises up in our loins every time those lovable twins come out to play. Best of all, Salma is very self-aware of her god-given gifts, and isn't afraid of utilizing them onscreen as well as off. Thanks, Salma!

Now before you start breaking out the torches and pitchforks for this seemingly low grade, let me say that I think Salma has maintained her figure very well. The hesitation of granting her an 'A' in this subject is simply due to the fact that she hasn't been showing it off nearly as much as she used to. Like at all. Can you remember the last time you saw this woman in a bikini? I can't, but I remember she used to wear the f*ck out of 'em before she married that billionaire. In recent years, she's said things like "My boobs looked better ten years ago", which is not only a silly statement, but also a complete bullshit if you ask me. And even if she gained a few pounds for a week back in 2010, she looked hot then, and she's still a smokin' hottie now.

There was a time when films like FRIDA, DESPERADO, FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, and DOGMA would have granted Salma a better grade in this category, maybe even an 'A'. She's a capable actress, but sadly, over the past decade or so, the only movies of Salma's to receive exceptional critical praise have been animated. Aside from that, she's pretty much become typecast as an excellent source of eye-candy. Whether a sexy, singing nurse in ACROSS THE UNIVERSE or a pair of tits with a beard in CIRQUE DU FREAK, Salma's hotness has become somewhat of a safety-net for otherwise pending flops. Not that I mind, but her charms can only increase the quality of films like HERE COMES THE BOOM and GROWN UPS 2 so much. It certainly didn't hurt their box-office numbers, though.

Ever since she got married to French billionaire François-Henri Pinault, Salma's career decisions have gone downhill, to say the least. The quality of her latest films vary between "meh" and complete garbage, and she's been staying away from "sensuous" photoshoots for a little too long. All this to say, programs like "30 Rock" and "Ugly Betty" have shown us Salma also has a sense of humor. Her ability to make fun of herself, alone, is a major turn-on, considering many as-gorgeous celebrities rarely express the desire to even be funny. Her "up for anything" attitude may not be the best approach to her choice of roles, but it works for her lifestyle, which just about makes her the complete package.

Extra Tidbit: What grade would you have given Salma?

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+3
12:10PM on 08/16/2013

A+ all the way

Take out the career and shes definitely a A+. I cannot peruse through your home page without stopping by Salma's picture for a moment of pure unadulterated lust. Those bewbs have a gravitational force our own sun would envy. Long Live this Mexican/Lebanese Hottie
Take out the career and shes definitely a A+. I cannot peruse through your home page without stopping by Salma's picture for a moment of pure unadulterated lust. Those bewbs have a gravitational force our own sun would envy. Long Live this Mexican/Lebanese Hottie
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10:41PM on 08/03/2013

How about...

Milla Jovovich for a future article? And Salma is a solid A for sure!
Milla Jovovich for a future article? And Salma is a solid A for sure!
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+2
10:50PM on 07/27/2013
Just a glorious pair of tits.
Just a glorious pair of tits.
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8:05AM on 07/27/2013

Salma is an A

Salma Hayek is an instant A, and definitely has her place in the hottie Hall of Fame....but she definitely has to put better focus in her movie career .
Salma Hayek is an instant A, and definitely has her place in the hottie Hall of Fame....but she definitely has to put better focus in her movie career .
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6:46PM on 07/26/2013
A. Just a A.
A. Just a A.
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5:30PM on 07/26/2013
Solid A
Solid A
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+7
2:18PM on 07/26/2013
I agree with all grades except one. Personality I would give an D. She cannot stop complaining!!! Kind of a watered down Halle Berry who I would give an F- Personality-wise!!!

Do Alice Eve next!!!
I agree with all grades except one. Personality I would give an D. She cannot stop complaining!!! Kind of a watered down Halle Berry who I would give an F- Personality-wise!!!

Do Alice Eve next!!!
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1:48PM on 07/26/2013
She is a goddess! a solid A++ for me!
She is a goddess! a solid A++ for me!
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1:20PM on 07/26/2013
So Hot...
So Hot...
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+0
1:16PM on 07/26/2013
How about off the Richter Scale.
How about off the Richter Scale.
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