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Hottie Report Card: Sofia Vergara

05.09.2014by: Salacious Crumb

If you're a food fanatic, you may be considering stepping out of the kitchen to see Jon Favreau's CHEF this weekend. I've never been a huge fan of food-related films, or movies about the cooking industry. Nothing against them, but I never consume anything that doesn't say "Chef Boyardee" or "101 proof" on the container. But if there are two things that can get me on board, it's the lovely Sofia Vergara. The "Modern Family" star is considered a hottie by most, but how does she hold up in comparison to a university of others. Let's discuss, shall we?

There was a time when you couldn't glance at Vergara's face without instantly melting into a puddle. She was one of the first people ever cast as the real-life Lara Croft (even if it was just for some dumb credit card commercial), and she made a career off of being gorgeous early on. Of course, she's still gorgeous today, but over time all the little things she's done to maintain her image have only seemed to work against her. Now she kind of looks like the caricature version of herself, which isn't all bad. It just means she looks like an exaggerated version of a really attractive woman.

In her early modeling days, Vergara's derriere was just as celebrated as her upper-body, if not more so. There's an assload of classic butt shots to prove it, like this one, or this one, or this one, or for further analysis, this one. However, due to a probable change in diet once she hit it big, her backside has been packing slightly less of punch than it used to. It isn't a drastic change, but noticeable nonetheless. That said, you might say Sofia still has one of the most terrific tushes on campus.

If you're one of those people who thinks Vergara's rack is anything other than utterly fascinating, you should see a doctor. You're subject to your opinion, of course, but you're clearly an insane person. Sofia's jubblies have always had a splendid appeal, but they haven't always been as large as they are today. They seem to have grown little by little, along with her fame. Sofia is smart enough to realize how much she owes to her tantalizing bosom buddies; she even personally thanked her breasts for helping "Modern Family" become such a wild success. Oh, and did I mention they're 100% real? There's no denying that these are grade A double D's, all the way.

Back when we put Sofia's CHEF co-star Scarlett Johansson to the test, I graded her vocals because they make up a great amount of who she is as a hottie. I figured I'd do the same for Sofia, since her voice is obviously a big part of who she is. Unfortunately, it has the opposite effect as ScarJo's, who sounds like a phone sex operator from heaven. Sofia's voice is so incredibly obnoxious, sometimes she's better experienced on mute. She can actually sound really sexy when she's not projecting so much, but ever since she became this loudmouth TV personality, she can't seem to turn it down from 11. Since there are no helpful visuals for this subject, a picture of Sofia in a bikini will do just fine.

Sofia is currently the highest-paid actress on television, and has received multiple Emmy and Golden Globe nominations. That's all well and good, but pan over to her movie career and what have you got? You've got THE SMURFS, THE THREE STOOGES, NEW YEARS EVE and the recent FADING GIGOLO, which is already fading out of theaters. I'm not saying she's a lousy actress, and hey, maybe she'll surprise us all in CHEF, and by this time next year they'll be announcing Disney's URSULA, starring Sofia Vergara.

I've always wanted to really like Sofia, and I do, for the most part. Even with that voice, I like that she's confident and comfortable with being made fun of, and she even gets pretty witty on occasion. My only real frustration is she's a cash-grabbing advertisement junkie, and she admits it. She's proud of it, even. Now, I know she used to be the face and boobs of Miller Light back in the day, so not much has changed. But now she's signed to Diet Pepsi, K-Mart, CoverGirl, State Farm, Comcast's Xfinity, Rooms To Go, Synthroid, and the list keeps growing. She has so many endorsement contracts you'd think she was in NASCAR. I understand to a degree, but let's hope she isn't scheming to make all this commercial money so she can hide away on her own tropical island when she turns 50. On second thought, Sofia Vergara Island... that doesn't sound so bad!

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+0
8:11AM on 05/12/2014
The grades were pretty fair. Really good points made!
How about Lake Bell sometime?
The grades were pretty fair. Really good points made!
How about Lake Bell sometime?
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+0
12:47AM on 05/10/2014
Meh.
Meh.
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9:02PM on 05/09/2014
4th hottest woman on Modern Family behind Claire, Alex and Haley, her voice just irks me. But yeah great tits.
4th hottest woman on Modern Family behind Claire, Alex and Haley, her voice just irks me. But yeah great tits.
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8:19PM on 05/09/2014

Hey!

I can't "reply," edit posts, read "full comments" or leave thumbs up/down here at Hotties either!
I can't "reply," edit posts, read "full comments" or leave thumbs up/down here at Hotties either!
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+0
4:47PM on 05/09/2014

New report card subject!!

Have a grade for stars with no make up... Then Sofia V would get an "f"
Have a grade for stars with no make up... Then Sofia V would get an "f"
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3:28PM on 05/09/2014
I'm having the same problems as Glinda and they started at the same time. Any idea on what's going on?
I'm having the same problems as Glinda and they started at the same time. Any idea on what's going on?
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2:21PM on 05/09/2014

Apologize

Sigh. Unfortunately for a couple weeks I've been unable to "reply," edit posts, read "full comments" or leave thumbs up/down here at Hotties. So I'll make a new post - I didn't mean to sound snarky in my first sentence. I realized it after posting but couldn't fix it. Not my intention at all. Sorry.
Sigh. Unfortunately for a couple weeks I've been unable to "reply," edit posts, read "full comments" or leave thumbs up/down here at Hotties. So I'll make a new post - I didn't mean to sound snarky in my first sentence. I realized it after posting but couldn't fix it. Not my intention at all. Sorry.
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2:21PM on 05/09/2014

she was untouchable 15 years ago

Really the hottest woman in the world. She was perfect. She still is good looking but back then she was flawless
Really the hottest woman in the world. She was perfect. She still is good looking but back then she was flawless
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+1
1:11PM on 05/09/2014
I don't want to burst bubbles but no her breasts are not 100% real. It's hard to tell with women who already have large breasts (not so obvious as someone who is "all implant."), but when they're pushed up it very obvious, as the real breasts remain anchored and the implants just slide up towards the throat, rather than push "out" like real breasts do. So you can see the implant through the thinner skin high on the chest wall. The pic in the green dress is very obvious, whereas you can't tell
I don't want to burst bubbles but no her breasts are not 100% real. It's hard to tell with women who already have large breasts (not so obvious as someone who is "all implant."), but when they're pushed up it very obvious, as the real breasts remain anchored and the implants just slide up towards the throat, rather than push "out" like real breasts do. So you can see the implant through the thinner skin high on the chest wall. The pic in the green dress is very obvious, whereas you can't tell in the red dress next to it. I think people are so used to this look they don't realize it these days what real breasts look like when wearing a push up bra. Real breasts are not perfect round circles - thats an implant. I can tell in the bikini too.
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2:34PM on 05/09/2014
Then what's you opinion on Alexandra Daddario's chest?
Then what's you opinion on Alexandra Daddario's chest?
12:05PM on 05/09/2014
Apologies for the double post; not been able to edit my post at all. Here's the commercial in question in HD: [link]
Apologies for the double post; not been able to edit my post at all. Here's the commercial in question in HD: [link]
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11:33AM on 05/09/2014
I think she's hot but honestly, I've been finding her more and more annoying over the past several years. Still, the first I saw of her was that Tomb Raider VISA commercial where she played the Angelina Jolie version of Lara and was very hot at it. [link] I wish there was a higher-quality copy available on Youtube.
I think she's hot but honestly, I've been finding her more and more annoying over the past several years. Still, the first I saw of her was that Tomb Raider VISA commercial where she played the Angelina Jolie version of Lara and was very hot at it. [link] I wish there was a higher-quality copy available on Youtube.
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11:12AM on 05/09/2014
Sofia is incredibly sexy with awesome curves. I'd even bump up that personality grade.
Sofia is incredibly sexy with awesome curves. I'd even bump up that personality grade.
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