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08.17.2011by: Randy the Ram

The Sexy Six: Overrated Hotties

I doubt anyone had any gripes with the last SEXIEST SIX where we got to adulate the sextastic Kelly Brook in all her bikini glory so today I decided to go the other extreme and try to get controversial, many of you may disagree and I'll probably end up unemployed and friendless after I'm through here, my Movie Hotties peers will probably turn their heads away in shame, especially fellow writer and hottie connoisseur Seth Gecko, since I've included 2 of his faves on this list of overrated hotties. Just remember, these are not unattractive ladies, these are women that reached incredible doses of stares and wolf whistles and at some point in their careers they reached Top Hottie status. All the while Iíve asked myself: Really? Her? Personally I think they are undeserving of all the hype surrounding them and I've never gotten their allure, not even when they where at the top (although I wouldn't mind having them on top).

I didnít include people like Olivia Munn and Kim Kardashian because if half of you hate them, I believe their merits are not being overestimated, the hate from some balances out the desires of others, so in a way theyíre not overrated. But the following chicks are.

So sharpen your knives guys and gals but do try and be gentle, this could get ugly... but not like these women, because whatever the case, at least you'll get your daily fix of yummy ladies as I've searched for what I believed were one of their best photographs and to be honest anyone would be crazy to turn down any of this chicks. The question here is, are they really THAT hot?

6. Katy Perry

So, Maxim named Katy Perry last year’s hottest and she's been hitting the publicity train hard while promoting her “Teenage Dream” album. The consensus is that she keeps getting hotter and hotter, but does she really deserve all the love she’s been getting lately? Out of all the girls in this list I find Katy to be the cutest and hottest so it was really hard to include her, but I do think our adulation is getting a little bit out of hand. Sure, I've slobbered through all those magazine covers, those tight latex dresses, her sexy stint in SNL and there’s no denying she has an incredible rack but I think we’re just being hypnoTITzed. We’re being media-whored into thinking she’s way sexier than what she really is. Her cleavage is so powerful we’re being blinded by the reality that she’s just like so many other crappy singers out there, from Gaga and Madonna to Britney and Aguilera, working hard to get our attention. There is a difference though, Katy does have a cute and yet very sexy face but outside of a pretty facade, if I want tits I’ll just Google Kelly Brook or Diora Baird and as an added bonus, these ladies are totally willing to unleash their puppies free unto the world unlike miss Katy Perry. In the end, regardless of whether she’s truly as hot as her PR campaign tells us she is, I feel like a hipster who loves the most obscure band on earth, but said band suddenly got some air play and now it just kinda bums me out that the “Katy Perry is hot bandwagon” is so cramped.

5. Salma Hayek

I'm going to get in trouble with the boss with this one but here it goes. I just don’t know what the deal with Salma Hayek is. OK fine, another case of Woah mama-ries! But aside from chichis that make me envy the children she has breastfed and that great entrance as Satanico Pandemonium in FROM DUSK TILL DAWN Salma has never done it for me. I’ll be upfront about this; I don’t like her face, and much less her chin. Lots of times she looks great but at certain angles she reminds me of Jay Leno (true story) and that is NOT acceptable. There’s also the fact that while most of you might find her exotic, me being Mexican, I just find her too “normal”. In her defense, she has been aging quite gracefully. I find her a LOT hotter now than way back when she was in DESPERADO and all my friends were crazy about her.

4. Angelina Jolie

While Angelina Jolie has lost some of her appeal with the whole Brangelina thing, by trying to build her own United Nations with adopted children and by looking a lot older than what she should; there was definitely a time when a lot of guys would do anything to have one night with Jolie, but why? She couldn’t even fill what was needed in the chest department for “Lara Croft” so, is it her sexy gaze? That look on her face that says you’d be getting the wildest night of your life if you were to spend it with her? I’d be a little scared thinking she might pull a knife to draw & drink my blood while humpin’ but I’d still hit it, I’d dump Jennifer Aniston for her in a heartbeat but what always leaves me flummoxed is the obsession with her lips. The most sought after celebrity look within plastic surgery is Angelina Jolie and her lips. Seriously? She’s just a somewhat sexier female version of Mick Jagger who seems to always have a serious need for Chapstick. If all those women want to look like Mrs. Pitt, they should buy some wax lips. I just can’t say I’m in love with Angelina like so many people have said before.

3. Halle Berry

While this list isn’t about talent and trajectory I still find myself asking how can Halle Berry, a woman who starred in B*A*P*S be considered HOT? Sure, there have been so many actors that have done embarrassing movies before they made it big but curiously that movie is the only time I’ve found Berry’s portrayal to be truly genuine, after that I just saw Berry as a big phony. It’s one of those cases where I just don’t like the chick. I don’t like her style, her attitude, her looks. All that fakeness shows through the surface and every time someone mentions that she’s gorgeous I just get reminded of a time I had to take care of some old dudes and the only thing in their fridge that looked a tad bit digestible was a chocolate yogurt that was basically plain yogurt with some chocolate syrup. I should have gone for the Grape Nuts because that stuff was disgusting.

2. Jennifer Love Hewitt

Even WAY back at the end of the last century, i.e. the 90’s, I never really got the obsession with Jennifer Love Hewitt. Many have called her one of those doe-eyed beauties; unfortunately for me she actually looks like a whole “doe” (a deer, a female deer). Put some antlers on her and you could show her off as a trophy. Sure, whenever J-Love gets in a tank top I get all Keanu and “whoa” at her boobies, but nice titties aren't that hard to come by. You don’t fool me Ms. Love, your ghost whispering cleavage will not stop me from looking at your freakishly long neck. The conspiracy theorist in me believes she’s an alien who very intelligently poses as a hot woman in order to gather info from our species, especially the male kind who only look at breasts or maybe she just wants to breed.

1. Zoe Saldana

Finishing of this list I can conclude that it should have been called “Faces I dislike” since MOST of these ladies have incredible bodies, but their faces just don’t do it for me and THAT is part of why I think Zoe Saldana is overrated. She’s average at best, and girl always looks like she needs to get some sleep. The kicker here is that body wise she’s also lacking a little on the boob department. Is she really one of the sexiest women in the world? Saldana ultimately became part of the James “Earth Overlord” Cameron hype machine. Just like AVATAR and Sam Worthington, they all shoehorned themselves into the movie watching public. Suddenly AVATAR was the highest grossing film ever, Worthington became the next action hero and Saldana suddenly was promoted to super hottie status. So ask yourselves, is AVATAR the greatest movie ever? Is Worthington the next great action hero? No? Well that’s the same way I feel about Saldana. In the end she’s basically the second coming of Halle Berry.

So there you go, I just had to get it out of my system, I promise to make it up to you on the next edition of THE SEXY SIX where I MAY talk about strippers. 

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