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10.14.2010by: Randy the Ram

The Sexy Six: VILFs

I welcome you to the brand monkey-spanking new column here at where we'll focus on the best of the breast, the top of the tits, the SEXIEST SIX and for this first edition I wanted to put together the Sexiest Six VILFs (Vampires I'd like to F*ck) to get the October festivities started.

As you may know vampires are all the rage at the moment, unfortunately 90% of whats being brought to us pretty much sucks donkey blood. Thanks especially to a series (that I shall refrain from naming) that has destroyed the mythology of what has made those bloodsuckers cool in the first place. Lets do our part and try to keep the memory of vampires WITH FANGS alive, vampires who get repelled by garlic & burn with the sunlight instead of f*cking shimmering! Lets especially take a look back at those yummy, man-eating seductresses, the sexiest vampires Id like to f*ck. If there ever were a couple of vamps that Id want to get sucked by, these are it.

Before I continue I'd like to give some shout outs.

Honorable Mention #2: VAMPYRAS LESBOS or LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS, need I say more?

Honorable mention #3: Gary Oldman as the Count. He's one suave sexy mofo!

HONORABLE MENTION: The cast from True Blood

I stayed away from hotties outside of film but the whole cast of "True Blood" deserves to be mentioned because they're a bunch of bloodthirsty sexy ass mothersuckers. Every time a new lady vampire comes around she's sexier than the last. My favorite, looks wise, has to be ‘Jessica’ played by the very cute Deborah Ann Woll.

6. Ingrid Pitt

If we took a quick trip on my DeLorean to four decades ago and started talking about saucy vampires, the voluptuous Ingrid Pitt would be on most peoples mouths and most people would WANT Ingrid on their mouths, especially her grand bosoms. Her sexy figure and dark allure made her perfect for the gothic horror of Hammer studios where she became one of their icons, especially as a vampire in films like THE HOUSE THAT DRIPPED BLOOD, COUNTESS DRACULA where she was not necessarily a vampire but she totally needed some virgin blood juice to get sexier ala Elizabeth Bathory and the one film that gives her major sexy points, THE VAMPIRE LOVERS, where she’s an erotically deadly bloodthirsty lesbian supervixen.

5. La Vampire (Olga Kurylenko)

Oh Olga, how I love thee! She’s not placed higher on the list because we don’t really get to see the extent of her sexiness. Credited as "La Vampire", Olga stars in Vicenzo Natali’s "Quartier de la Madeleine” a segment from PARIS JE T’AIME and she only gets like 4 minutes of screen time but fortunately it’s enough to process her striking beauty. I too would have slit my wrists hoping that she would suck me dry. I’d go as far and wish I were Elijah Wood since he’s the object of her hunger and lust (well, at least the WOOD part became true).

4. Akasha (Aaliyah)

If you’re the queen of vampires you bet your ass you’d be one mighty fine bodacious vamp. Too bad Aaliyah wasn't really immortal, as she showed some potential in the seductress role of Akasha but we will never know what she could have become if she stayed with us. For what it's worth she will always be remembered for QUEEN OF THE DAMNED where she portrayed Akasha as a sultry, remorseless night stalker with some very revealing attire. The costume and the tantric disco dance are sufficient reasons to warrant her a spot in this list.

3. Dracula’s Bride (Monica Bellucci)

Yeah I know, Dracula had three brides. Focusing on the brides could very well take us to so many movies, from various Hammer films to DRACULA DEAD AND LOVING IT to VAN HELSING & DRACULA 2000. This spot will just be dedicated solely to one of the most bonerific scenes to ever grace a vampire film as the hottest Italian bella mama Monica Bellucci showcasing her giant boobiccinis, rapes the hell out of Keanu Reeves in BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA and I don’t think he complained one bit. Sure there where other two brides along for the ride, played by Michaela Bercu and Florina Kendrick but Bellucci is the head bride and the one that made me break my VHS player for rewinding that scene a thousand times (Kleenex supplies also ran a little low).

2. Satanico Pandemonium (Salma Hayek)

True that Mr. Clooney, that IS a f*cking show!

You knew Salma Hayek’s dance of deadly seduction in FROM DUSK TILL DAWN would be here, not only is it one of the greatest and sexiest scenes in all of film history but it could easily be called the best way to get recognized in Hollywood. Definitely one HELL of an entrance by both Hayek and her character Satanico Pandemonium. Just like Richie Gecko (Quentin Tarantino), no matter how dingy and sleazy the “Titty Twister” might look I’d still love to suck cheap wine out of Satanico’s feet and even after she turns into a butt ugly bloodsucker I wouldn’t mind getting eaten by that hot freak.

1. Seline (Kate Beckinsale)

Whatever your opinions on UNDERWORLD just the mere fact of having Kate in black tight leather outfit is genius, add to that that the notion that she kicks serious butt and you end up with one helluva sexy vamp. It’s simple mathematics.

(Beckinsale+tight leather)*(badass+guns) /vampires = massive geek boner

She’s reason enough to welcome a fourth installment of the stylized gun toting vampire series. Even if she ends up appearing in only fractions of the movie I wouldn’t mind paying a ticket to see that perfect round booty one last time and in 3D no less.



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