The Sexy Ten Spot: OG vs Remake Horror Hotties
With the recent success of the EVIL DEAD
"remake," and the ever-popular springtime releases of films that deal in blood and gore (you not only have that SCARY MOVIE 5 not to look forward to, but the latest offering from Rob Zombie, THE LORDS OF SALEM). I'm playing around with the Top Ten forum here, because I'm more fun when I don't play by the rules. I'm going to offer you up the babes from the original flicks and the remade flicks, starting off with my 2 most hated remakes, then my 2 sorta-like-em remakes to my most liked. And yes, I know you'll have something to say about my order of things. Still, I'm willing to have some bloody good fun if you are.
It's always a pleasure to have a woman as well-endowed in the chest region bare all for a horror movie but even the tear-droppingly fantastic breasts of Julianna Guill couldn't save the travesty that was the remake of FRIDAY THE 13TH. So, my choice, if I have to compare Guill to...
... the babe in the original FRIDAY THE 13TH (which I watched when I was in my early 20's because my parents weren't into the horror movie thing, so the film didn't really resonate with me like it did for so many of my friends who watched it when they were much younger) would be Laurie Bartram. Because her character got to bone a young Kevin Bacon, that's why. SCORE: Remake Babe (0) Original Babe (1)
Quite possibly one of the worst movies to come out in a very long time, let alone have it be a film that was a remake of one of the few horror movies I saw before legal drinking age, NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET circa 2010 also suffered from the dead-in-the-eyes, devoid-of-emotion, Rooney Mara. Which leaves you no question that...
... one of the movies that freaked me the f*ck out when I was a kid, watched in secret at my aunt and uncle's house under the iron-clad rule that I may never tell my mom that they let me watch it, is of course the unforgettable 1984 original of NOES, which starred Heather Langenkamp, a girl who looked fierce, angry, willing to fight back and not afraid to do whatever it took to keep her family and friends safe. Plus, her boyfriend was a young Johnny Depp. So, yeah. SCORE: Remake Babe (0) Original Babe (2)
I have to admit that I ended up watching the original and the remakes of THE HILLS HAVE EYES in reverse. In fact, after being traumatized by the goings-on with remake star Emilie de Ravin, I wasn't all that convinced that I wanted to watch the original. But seeing as how THHE 2006 was made during the torture-porn years, I decided to take a trip down memory lane for the original anyway.
While in many way the original version of THE HILLS HAVE EYES is a superior movie, capitalizing more on the sense of the unknown rather than laying so much open to the eyes, I can't say that the acting in the movie was to my liking. Some people might prefer Lanier and her more subtle Brenda Carter, but I'm giving this one to Emilie. She definitely caused me to shiver more. SCORE: Remake Babe (1) Original Babe (2)
Please tell me that I'm not the only person who didn't completely despise the remake of George A. Romero's DAWN OF THE DEAD. While it was splashier and more colorful and benefited greatly from a higher production budget, it was missing that YOLO mentality to when a new thought turns into a film. Sarah Polley was a righteous choice, being that I also hope that I'm not the only one who finds her sexier than most.
It's really hard to say that anything can get better than a Romero. The man is a legend and he deserves every accolade for fighting so hard to get us from point A to point Walking Dead. Rewatching his original caused me pause, seeing how similar Polley and Gaylen Ross looked alike, even if styled decades apart. But when it comes to picking a babe in this match-up, I'm going with the tougher, grittier Polley. SCORE: Remake Babe (2) Original Babe (2)
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I like Jessica Biel more when she does action and horror movies. There's something to her, she looks built for them. Giving credit where it's due, I have to say that she made this remake of TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE more terrifying for me than the original was. Granted, I mainly ended up watching the original because of the influence of Chainsaw and Dave (those who get that will get that), but I've said enough already.
While she might not have been the biggest piece of eye candy in the original TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, the thing that Sally Hardesty can claim forever is she's one of the few women in a horror movie that made it to the end of the flick intact. That doesn't mean that she was compelling enough to distract me from the tanktop on The Biel, though. SCORE: Remake Babe (3) Original Babe (2)
I've been called every name that you could possibly hope to think up regarding the fact that I won't back down from the fact that I not only like
the Rob Zombie remake of HALLOWEEN, it happens to my preferred of the two versions. Yeah, I said it. So you could keep calling me names or you could talk about Scout Taylor-Compton, one of the few scream queens from the remake years who actually measures up to the quality of the SQ's of yesteryears.
At the age of 24, sitting down with a group of friends and watching Carpenter's HALLOWEEN, I didn't know what was coming. They all did. Every time something supposedly scary happened, they all jumped out of their skins and giggled. AND THEY'D ALREADY SEEN THE MOVIE.
In some cases, several times. I didn't understand why Michael Myers was scary. I didn't feel the thrill. I think beer bottles were hurdled at my head. But there's one thing I totally get. Jamie Lee Curtis could trump any babe from any movie at any time. FINAL SCORE: Remake Babe (3) Original Babe (3)