The Top Ten Babes in Traveling Gone Wrong Films
In this week's only big release,
NO ESCAPE finds Owen Wilson and Lake Bell fighting to get out of a country they thought would be a fun diversion from the safe and boring American lives they were leading. A lot of trips start off that way, not as many end in grisly murder, psycho stalkers or the kind of banana slips that comedic bad trips that the movies insist happen. Mostly we have instances of running out of gas or losing our wallets. These babes had far harder situations greet them on their arrival. We're just here to ogle in their time of need.
I'm not really ranking these women low, I'm more putting the movie low on the list because while many women might like watching it, thinking it's some kind of female empowerment thing, I always found it wildly depressing. Davis is married to a egomaniacal prick who only cares that she left because he doesn't have someone to walk all over when she's gone. Sarandon has an awesome, supportive guy that she can't fully appreciate the good in. People nearly get raped, people die, shit gets blown up, sure, but in the end, the movie is a real bummer. These ladies were lush with cougar goodness throughout, but please mother, don't make me watch it ever again.
Wherein I hated the first HOSTEL movie... wait, that's not exactly fair. I didn't hate
it as much as I found it laughably perplexing and not as gross as I probably should have noticed it was ramming into my eyeballs, the second installment in the Americans-really-shouldn't-go-on-vacation-anywhere genre was an upgrade in scary. Most people forget how, um, female forward Part II was. German kicks some major ass by the time everything is slashed and gashed, even if nearly everyone she traveled with ends up a tragic memory. And you know what? I've always thought that Bijou Phillips was a babe and a half, so yeah.
Here's an unsung babe if there ever was one. The Velma to Clark Duke's Shaggy (nearly quite literally
), Crew played that girl that most of you guys have known at some point in your lives. She's funny, she's smart, she wears too much dark eye makeup but knows exactly how to pair a pop culture t-shirt with a mini and some Chucks... Amanda Crew embodies that stereotype to the fullest. SEX DRIVE isn't rewriting the road trip comedy in the slightest but it certainly does it well. The performances are great, the writing is sharp (the unrated version of the DVD/Bluray contains 100% more big black dick than the theatrical release) and Crew is mega lust worthy.
You know why this comedy is really a travelling gone wrong flick? Not because DJ Qualls nails a sexy sista, not because Tom Green is in the cast, not even because it was made when Seann William Scott was ball sack deep in his coke addiction at the time. It's because it centers on a group of friends going to retrieve a tape that was maliciously sent to a girlfriend that the dude in the tape cheated on with Amy Smart. Breckin Meyer, you stupid bastard. You shoulda just stuck with Amy the entire time. There wouldn't have been an off-the-rails trip but YOU. HAD. AMY. SMART. Dumbass.
When you have a cast with women as pretty as Amber Heard and Odette Annable and a guy as talented and charming as Karl Urban, it makes you wonder why most people have never heard of this film. That is, it'll make you worry if you're anyone who doesn't understand the Hollywood machine and its tendency to bury crap like a cat in a litterbox. This is a remake of an even less known film from the 1970's and while it's not as bad as it could have been, that's the best that can be said for it other than Heard and Annable (Yustman, whatever) are great looking in their bikinis.
Time travel counts as travel, dammit. Time travel movies that blindly abandon all logic but cast acting thoroughbred Denzel Washington and legendary babe Paula Patton count as travel gone wrong, in the best possible way. Sure, reviews call the film a "hack mechanism," a "gimmick picture" and "lunk-headed" that will ultimately give you a "headache from trying to apply plot logic to it," but Paula is wet, in a towel and holding a pussy at one point. Doesn't that count for anything? Oh, right. It counts for precisely fifth place on this list.
For those of you who haven't seen the indie horror city-people-really-shouldn't-go-into-the-woods flick, SPLINTER, there's not much to ruin for you. Things go bad, people go bad, everything goes real f*cking bad. What's not bad? Watching the lithe Jill Wagner in her camping girl costume of khaki shorts and an average tank top. It says a lot when a woman can be in something nondescript, nothing overt hanging out, and yet she's still a knockout. Wagner is also physically skilled enough in this movie that I believe she could master the big balls on that "Wipeout" show she hosts.
While no one in this film really wanted to be sent on a posh vacation to a beautiful country that they'd never been to before, that's part of what makes it a travelling flick gone wrong. I went into IN BRUGES knowing little about it other than people saying Colin Farrell was making his clean-and-sober comeback a smashing success. And he does, he's brilliant in the movie. But the girl that he falls for while in Bruges is so very right in so many ways (heck, she even makes smoking look sexy
), as played by the heartbreakingly beautiful Clemence Poesy, is also so very, very wrong.
With Eli Roth's THE GREEN INFERNO finally seeing the light of day this upcoming September, after a 2 year hold, it'll have been nearly 13 years since we first realized the power of his torture porn horror prowess. CABIN FEVER certainly isn't in any top tens in my life, unless you can count films that grossed me out and left me mentally scarred. The scene where Cerina Vincent is shaving her legs... pretty much any girl's nightmare. Yet I too would wash my hypothetical dick in acid to have a chance with her, which is also gross but no lie.
I'll be honest, I haven't even seen the remade VACATION movie. Although you can't get too mad at me for that, considering that not many people have
see the movie. What I have seen in the bodaciously sexy Elizabeth Gillies in that red bikini top in all those trailers and I'm sold. This summer, after watching her hold her rockin' own with a bunch of grownups on "Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll," I've found myself in a diehard, I love me some Gillies kinda place in my life. Can you blame me?