Top 10 Sexiest Movie Men of the Year
There's been many a petty complaint of the infrequent times that I've posted articles on the hot men of Hollywood. It seems that most of you are either so obsessed with looking at famous boobies (probably due to the fact that no girl in your real life will let you look at hers) or aren't comfortable enough with your sexuality to admit that dudes are hot too, or just can't forward the link to your sisters, mothers, aunts, etc. This was the year of the superstar hot men, it CANNOT be denied. Don't like it? Plunk down more money on a Katherine Heigl movie next year.
JOHN CARTER might have pulled in over $73 million at the box office but because of its monumental $250 budget (they killed themselves trying to market this movie), it's up there with the biggest box office disappointments. What isn't disappointing is that former "Friday Night Lights" pretty boy Taylor Kitsch got a chance to be on the big screen and he looked better in his odd warrior wear than Jakey-G did for PRINCE OF PERSIA. That's saying a whole hell of a lot. Add to that his roles in SAVAGES and BATTLESHIT (not a typo) and you have a dude who looks amazing and is the king of crappy, floppy messes. A lot of the greats started out that way. Then again, Casper Van Dien started out that way too, so it's a gamble. Seeing as how he's slated to appear in LONE SURVIVOR next year along with my #9 from this list, I say his fighting chances are more 65/35. I'm rooting for him.
I just watched TED the other night and I think I vomited in my mouth so frequently, I thought I would develop holes burned through the flesh of my inner cheeks. I'm not a "Family Guy" fan or really a fan of most anything Seth MacFarlane does and after watching that movie, it instantly made my top list of most hated films ever. Being vulgar does NOT equal being funny. Taking a bunch of talented actors and having them in your film as a way to say, "Look at all the famous people I know and you don't!" just reminds me of that braggart jackass from high school that everyone smiled at to their face but talked shit about the minute they left the room. That's how I feel about MacFarlane. As for Wahlberg, despite that crapfest, he looked proper action dude hot in CONTRABAND and has impressively learned to be a really decent fellow over the years, marriage, fatherhood and all. I give him huge props for that. Not to mention the fact that he's a producer of "Boardwalk Empire," showing that he has major pull behind the scenes as well. Long road from the Calvin Klein ads.
Let's all just call him what we should call him. Fassbender became a huge name (har har) when he flashed his Fassboner in last year's SHAME, earning him a lot of attention at the beginning of 2012, when all of the awards ceremony hosts decided that was the biggest, most dead horse they could beat more than, well... I gotta stop that analogy there. For me, Fassbender came outta nowhere (har har, again) in 2009 and impressed the pants off of me by owning in a Tarantino flick, INGLORIOUS BASTERDS. Since then, he's become a hot property and deservedly so. He was properly offed by Gina Carano in HAYWIRE (two men on this list had their asses handed to them by that woman - impressive indeed) and was the peach of the eye of PROMETHEUS, a movie more excused by ALIENS fans than I've ever seen STAR WARS fans try fruitlessly to defend the second batch of movies. (Pssst... Marcey made me do him on this list. I mean, do him in general on any list. I mean, she wants to do him so... awe, screw it.)
He's lucky, this Daniel Craig fellow. Remember years ago when there were people protesting that we would have - oh, of all of the ungodly shocks! - a BLONDE James Bond? People sure aren't bitching about him anymore. Depending on how much THE HOBBIT can pull in before the ball drops on 2012, SKYFALL stands as the fifth highest grossing movie of the year. Why, you might ask? Because all your mamas have money too. The movie was amazing and he's your mama's eye candy man. I know there was no other reason for my mom to have turned from a die-hard "I'm going to go do something different while you guys watch that," woman back when my dad and I sat through Sean Connery/Roger Moore Bond marathons to the woman who squealed, "Oooooh! SKYFALL gets released this week! Gotta go get my tickets early!!"
OK, so the TOTAL RECALL reboot didn't do as well as everyone was hoping it would. Calling a spade a spade, Hellloooooo, Hollywooooooood!
If you remake our favorite R rated movies and try to bring in a younger audience by lowering the rating, it's not going to work. The young kids don't give a shit and the fans you could've had in us older folk will bail on you if you make it so that we have to share a theater with middle schoolers. However, Farrell continues to be one of the most enigmatic actors on 2012 or any year post him getting sober. His role in SEVEN PSYCHOPATHS isn't as flashy as the other characters in it but that's what makes him stand out that much more. An Irish writer... of course you're a drunk! (FYI: This movie still stands as my #1 favorite film from 2012. Positively reinvigorates your love of cinema and true, unbridled acting.)
In many ways, Tom Hardy is a very weird looking muthaf*cka. He's got those great lips, puffed up like he applies killer bees to his puss every morning for that sexy pout. But when you add in that his most famous role this year, as the fan favorite villain, Bane, in THE DARK KNIGHT RISES, and the fact that he had to act around a mask that covered his entire face, an altered voice which took away a great deal of his ability to emote like he does so well in other films, and a weird body suit/shot angle that was used to make him look more imposing (Hardy is only 5'10" according to his stats and as most people know, men lie to seem taller, women lie to seem shorter)... well, call me more of a sucker for his backwoods man in LAWLESS or his sweet, tender and positive charming self in that McG rom-com, THIS MEANS WAR. (Reese totally chose wrong.) I say bring on MAD MAX: FURY ROAD!
With his role in last year's 50/50, there was a huge swell to get this man a nomination/win from somewhere, anywhere. What's Joseph Gordon-Levitt do for a follow-up? He hits 2012 like a crazed whirlwind, from his buffed up and sweaty sexy man on a bike with no brakes in PREMIUM RUSH (proving that he might be the only actor who can hold up so well against Michael Shannon) to the mind-tripping LOOPER, to the son of Abe in LINCOLN to... oh, yeah. That "Robin" fella in THE DARK KNIGHT RISES. (Any of you scream about spoiler alert, you'll all lying liar pants who have already watched that movie at least a dozen times.) When filming PREMIUM RUSH, as you see in the end credits for the movie, Levitt was injured, crashing into a taxi cab. What most don't realize is that there was a diplomatic visitor who drove straight through the barricaded streets because, well, they're allowed to do that even if there's specially arranged action shots going on. Love this man. LOVE him.
I imagine that's the smile that Thor is giving me as a way of saying, "Are you serious? You dare rank me below that fella with the name of Channing
?" Truth is, Hemsworth had just as much movie dollars in his coffer as Tatum - more, in fact. With roles in the top movie of the year, THE AVENGERS, and other high grosser SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN, not to mention the lower grossing (but still in the top 100 list) THE CABIN IN THE WOODS and
RED DAWN, you can start getting your engines revved for when he hits the screens in 2014 for the adaptation of the wildly popular book, ROBOPOCALYPSE. Oh, and THOR 2, THE AVENGERS 2, SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN 2. Did I mention that he became a super-hot DILF this year? Yeah...
I cannot stand Channing Tatum. He is on this list despite every bone in my body declaring it to not be right. But facts and facts and I need to face up to them for the women who lust for him (and the dudes who wish they were him, don't lie). Tatum managed to become the Box Office Rumpelstiltskin in 2012, turning shit like THE VOW, MAGIC MIKE, 21 JUMP STREET (yeah, I thought that was shit, sue me) and being courteous enough to get his ass well and kicked by Gina Carano in HAYWIRE. Let's not even get into the fact that his sudden pull with movie goers caused a last minute heavily pushed release date of G.I. JOE: RETALIATION, unraveling millions of dollars of promotion that had already been dropped into the flick simply because early test audiences wanted to know why he wasn't in the movie more. His popularity sickens me, but hey... everybody's gotta have their Macarena from year to year.
I'm biased. I like a lot of things about Jeremy Renner other than just his amazing eyes, goofy smiles and killer Hawteye muscles. If HANSEL AND GRETEL WITCH HUNTERS hadn't been pushed to a 2013 release date, Renner would have had 3 movies reigning at the top of the box office charts this year. As it stands, his appearance garnered the second highest ratings of the year for the dying SNL, proving that people will wait up to sit through a turd they haven't liked for more than a decade. For a dude who's going to turn 42 next month and took until he was 38 before he made a huge impact on the industry, I cannot get enough of him and doubt that'll change any time soon. Which is good, seeing as how he has a shitton of awesome stuff on his upcoming calendar years.