Top Ten Hottest Teacher's Pets
It's September, bitches! That means back to school... for most of you, that having actually happened 2 or more weeks ago since they keep pushing up the start of school date. Doesn't mean that I can't delve into the creepy and get it on with the hottest teacher's pets that have graced television and movies. No, I'm not considering if the teacher was hot or not, I'm focusing on the hotness of the young women who were taken advantage of by their authority figures. Kinda creepy, sure. But also totally fictional, so that make it all copacetic, right?
I promise I'm not going to punk you like I did a few months back with my Hot For Teacher top ten which featured nothing but the male actors I thought were hot in teacher roles. The thing is, I have mad respect for Cam Gigandet and thought that he was freaking hysterical in his role as the dumb too-old-for-high-school student who was plugging (not really a teacher, but bear with me) the guidance counselor. Going from TWILIGHT to this was a wonderful example of proving how much range he has. A pretty boy who has talent and yet doesn't make a fraction of the money or get a modicum of the spotlight that Dumbo Tatum does. Life is unfair.
This is my safety choice, I know. Drew's character wasn't a teenager. She didn't really have sex with one of her teachers who was under the impression that she wasn't a teenager. In fact, Michael Vartan plays the role of the English teacher who taken with his smart student (WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS THE ENGLISH TEACHER?!?!?!) in a very admirable way. He doesn't make excuses why the relationship should/could happen. That part I love. Even if this was made during the time when people were referring to Drew as being in her "fat" years.
I might just be one of the few people to like the movie LOSER. I know that the film most definitely did not get much revenue when it was released in theaters in 2000, right after Jason Biggs carbonite-ing his entire career as the pie-f*cker. I watched the movie because it was written and directed by Amy Heckerling, an idol of mine who is probably far better known for CLUELESS. The thing that got me was that Mena Suvari, still so young, so cute and so booty-endowed back in the day, was playing a character named Dora Diamond, a college student engaged in a sexual relationship with an asshole professor. Heckerling, being the brilliant goddess that she is, modeled the character of Dora after a young student that Franz Kafka had had an affair with. Betcha didn't know that.
Ah, Tracy Flick. We all knew a bitch like her when we were in school, no matter what generation we came from. While the teacher relationship that gets the majority of the attention in the movie ELECTION is between Witherspoon and Matthew Broderick, those characters aren't the ones who've bumped the statutories. Without giving it away, if you haven't seen the movie (and if you haven't, my opinion of you is severely diminished), there is some mention of the lubricant quality of the school president hopeful that might make you recall just how cute-sexy-hot the young Witherspoon was.
You can say it was because it was a "period piece" movie. You can say it was because Peter Sarsgaard, when dressed for a movie and not looking like a neo-hippie dirty vegan dude. You can't say it was because the romance between the teen and her teacher in AN EDUCATION is what turned me on either because if you've watched the movie, you understand why it's a really yuck-factor thing. Mulligan, tender and sweet, hiding her intelligence, indulging in carnality that women were not supposed to be allowed to have... I love that all. Including her Oscar nom for the role.
Let me be honest and tell you that I haven't watched ELEGY. I asked around to see if there were any good suggestions when I was thinking up this column, choices I might have missed and the frequent and adamant response was Cruz sexing up Ben Kingsley. There are times when I can take or leave Cruz in terms of her sexiness, but when I'm being perfectly honest, I totally would f*ck Ben Kingsley. His sexual appeal has not diminished for me in the slightest, even from the years when I was a teenager and found him hot in SPECIES. And SEARCHING FOR BOBBY FISCHER. I like smart men! Don't judge me!
You have to throw the bone where it's deserved the most and any role of Katie Holmes' prior to her involvement with Tom Cruise is a winner winner chicken dinner to me. As the co-ed with the sizzling crush on her frumpy college professor (Michael Douglas) in WONDER BOYS, it was the prime time Katie that we all used to love so much. Nostalgia counts for a lot in my book, even if it is about having lustful emotions about Michael frickin' Douglas.
If there are people out there who are reading this and are regular viewers of the show "Rules of Engagement," thanks a lot for keeping crap like that on the air for nearly 7 years now. In the meantime, I'm still one of those people who remembers shows which were canceled fairly early on because they touched on some delicate subject matter. "Boston Public" has Bianca Kajlich in common with the David Spade sitcom because she's that sexy student who seduced her gawky and unattractive Jew-fro English teacher on the high school drama Fox show. Bianca made it work so well that I still find her hot for that role, no whispers of creepiness tickling up the back of my spine.
Most people haven't watched this movie and most people should hop-skip-and-jump to do so. Why is the idea of having Kat Dennings as a high school student in your classroom not considered cruel and unusual punishment to any male staff member? I rank Kat high on this list because yes, she's f*cking outstandingly sexy, because she turns Josh Lucas and his sniveling wanna-be writer self into a puddle of oozing insecurities and because her character makes the CHOICE to screw him, her motivation not lying behind being molested or otherwise abused. That's hot.
I think that Aria could do a lot better than Ezra, but she's got one of those complexes where teacher/student relationships seem like a naturally evolving thing considering her past with her father. Why rank the lovely Hale so high on this list when the creepy factor of her long-lasting relationship with her former English teacher leaves a bad taste in my mouth? Because over the course of that relationship, Aria has taken charge and turned the teacher into her little bitch.
Without giving away too much about this favorite thriller that should require no need for a SPOILER ALERT! mention, let's just say that Matt Dillon had his hands full with a couple of his more randy female students and not necessarily solely in the bedroom department. A classic for sure, but if you're going to have a member in a student body, you better make it some elite quality pupils.