Top Ten Sexiest Ladies of the '80's
When I was young, I had such a thing for Billy Joel. My mother was concerned, my dad would sit around and play his records with me and I would tell strangers, "I wanna grow up and marry Billy Joel!" I can't remember how old I was at the time, I just recall being too young to know any better, but bizarrely aware enough to get the point. Fixtures from a time when we were young, wishing to be older, they matter. That's why the ladies of the '80's are still talked about with great fervor nearly 3 decades later. They have been hard to top.
Because she was Diane Court, that's why. Because in her first role in a movie she got to screw Keanu Reeves in a sleeping bag in the middle of a deserted park. Because she was married to a Beastie Boy. Because she did that amazing topless photograph with former boyfriend Anthony Kiedis. Because her dad was Donovan and because Ione Skye got to make out with River Phoenix in A NIGHT IN THE LIFE OF JIMMY REARDON. I used to wanna be her. I still wanna be her.
During the 1980's, Melanie Griffith was a big thing in my opinion. She had a baby voice and a witch's cackle and she set the bar for nuts when it came to many female roles. One of my favorite cult classics (which bombed when first released), CHERRY 2000, had her tough and ready to kick ass. SOMETHING WILD seemed like a fun comedy from the VHS box, so my mom brought it home thinking it'd be a good family movie to watch, after all, we all liked Jeff Daniels. Then Melanie's boobs popped out. There's the BODY DOUBLE film as well, something that occurs to me just now is the look that Miley Cyrus is trying to duplicate. Then there was WORKING GIRL in the late '80's. Vacuuming topless. End of story.
I really hated that one dancer woman who came out years later and blabbed about how she was Jennifer's body double in FLASHDANCE, one of the first of the many to come, over-the-top blockbusters that producers didn't see coming in the 1980's. I hated, no I HATE, her for breaking the myth. I want to laugh at her because Jennifer also happens to be one of the ladies of the '80's who only went on to look sexier and hotter with age. And you can't body double acting talent. So suck it harder, bitter dancer.
I'm partial to Kelli because I've met her at conventions and she's super cool. Not only that, when I was watching those old 1980's flicks, it was Maroney who was tougher, stronger, lasted longer. She shot better (although the machismo writer's dialog afterward attributed the skill to the father having been in the military), limped through a paint store to set a killer robot security guard on fire, even dealt with lack of spirit at her high school with steadied shoulders. Definitely killer 80's at its best.
It's often hard for me to believe that Betsy is still around and kickin' in the horror movie genre (most commonly seen lately in the SAW franchise) because I remember staying up really late at night after my parents were in bed (or if I was lucky, on a day I was home sick from school) and watching all the naughty not-for-kids stuff that they aired during those times. Obviously the Showtime and HBO networks had not caught on to sick days and for that I thank them for PRIVATE SCHOOL, TOMBOY and AVENGING ANGEL. And all the nudity that went with them. (Minus the bad perm days. I really wish someone would time travel back and eradicate those and shoulder pads.)
Before she became one of those middle-aged women who was *gasp* still talking about being interested in sex (hard for you younger guys to believe, I know), Kim Cattrall was the go-to gal for all the same naughty stuff she ended up doing later on during her career with "Sex and the City." As Honeywell in PORKY'S, she was locker room bonked with a sweat sock in her mouth. As the MANNEQUIN who came to life whenever "garsh!" Goofy-looking Andrew McCarthy was alone in the store, to satisfy his carnal needs, Kim was there. Let us not forget, she had the ovaries to take on my man, your man, everyone's man, Kurt Russell in BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA. (That's not even getting into her STAR TREK dabbling and POLICE ACADEMY stints either.) Lest us not forget - she's 57 and still absolutely boinkable.
The 80's had a time when they desperately tried to hold onto the classic style of comedy that had kept the industry afloat for so long, with its tongue planted firmly but chastely in cheek. This was attempted when THE WOMAN IN RED showed LeBrock, then a model just getting her break into the movies, having her gown puffed up by an air duct ala Marilyn Monroe in THE SEVEN YEAR ITCH. Fatefully, LeBrock only starred in two movies during the 1980's, later popping up in the 1990's during her infamous years with Steven Ponytail. The second movie, blessfully, was a John Hughes movie that understood teens as well as his other films did, but had a bit more fun and danced around a young boy's dreams. Can you forget Lisa? Betcha can't.
I was working on making a list of who I was going to add to this week's top ten and as I scribbled down Lea Thompson, my friend said, "I never found her sexy, just sorta cute." Ahem, I beg to differ. She was sexy as f*ck in that prim dress that Marty wakes up seeing her wearing. She was Little Miss Amanda Jones! She made out with Howard the Duck - with crimped hair - and it didn't come off comical. She went to space, made Tom Cruise seem as if he had ALL THE RIGHT MOVES, fought through the RED DAWN and had CASUAL SEX while ducking Andrew Dice Clay. And she still looks insanely good today!!
Sorta cute, my ass.
She might not have seemed like the most likely of superficial blondes to make a successful career out of being a Bond girl, but you shoulda never said never in the first place. From that to the 9 1/2 WEEKS stunts, to the goofy chick in BLIND DATE to the STEPMOTHER IS AN ALIEN to every other movie that caused us to be sucked into her void, fighting over the pronunciation of her name, Kim Basinger is a top-notch '80's icon.
There is absolutely nothing more iconic about the 1980's and what us little kids who watched FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH thought was going to happen to us when we hit the upper grades than the scene of Phoebe Cates
getting out of the pool in that red bikini, knowing that we didn't fault Brad for what he was thinking about, we all woulda been thinking it for the spank bank as well. Luckily, the movie made it our reality for decades and decades to come.