Kate Beckinsale is covering Redbook in January, looking gorgeous in her own perfect and unblemished way. Rather than go over her upcoming roles and whatnot, I'll get a rundown on these 31 things that I'm apparently supposed to do in January. Let's see:
#1 - Uhh, no.
#2 - Doing that already.
#3 - Only on St. Andrews Day.
#4 - I'm always guilty about putting something in my mouth associated with cocks.
#5 - Or think about running for 15 minutes before settling in for some all-day Skyrim.
#6 - Or boldly swipe some eyeshadow.
#7 - Or just eat some Hot Pockets and download porn.
#8 - Yeah, thank god I don't live in a giant mansion and have millions of dollars.
#9 - Or watch CANDYMAN and gaze nervously in front of the mirror for an hour.
#10 - Or go here and cover the bedroom in awesome movie posters.
#11 - What? Why?
#12 - Or bag some chicks with some life organization.
#13 - Do I have to catch the holy ghost too?
#14 - Nah, my eggs taste funny with foundation on them.
#15 - Or get baked and throw some kids around.
#16 - Yeah, you hear that boss?
#17 - Nah, already got fired from my last job for that.
#18 - She told me it went too quickly already.
#19 - Tried that, but the dog drooling next to the bed creeped me out.
#20 - Good idea, except that no one at the Comcast billing center speaks English. #21 - Where else would I keep my piles of dust?
#22 - Yeah, I prefer Sugar Smacks to Honeycomb
#23 - Or turn laundry into an out for work. Yeah.
#24 - Tried it, but the chicken wouldn't hold still. Took 3 days to get the blood off the walls.
#25 - Then what will I use to break into ex-girlfriends' apar... I mean, what will I use to cut up my coca...or ...uh, nevermind.
#26 - Yes, let's all bond over our mutual loathing of that show.
#27 - Should probably treat the kitchen to some disinfectant first. The fridge is currently culturing future antibiotics.
#28 - Only on Pride day.
#29 - Okay, I'll make sure I duck those inbound viruses.
#30 - You mean like the strange way women always laugh at me in the shower?
#31 - Okay, I'll set fire to my Levis. Thanks for the tips!