I know this is early for me to be posting, but I wasn't going to let this slip past without getting it out there as soon as possible. As most of you know by now, our Cinema Breast Queen released an album called "Anywhere I Can Ruin Your Hearing." Um, something like that. It includes covers of Tom Waits songs.
Scarlett, I know you're hot. When they get you red carpet ready and pour you into one of those designer dresses, the whole world takes a collective sigh and starts diddling with his or her private parts. But singing? Honey... we don't take you THAT seriously. You've got to stick to things you know. Music ain't one of those things.
I'll tell you what will earn our unrivaled love and respect. Pose nude. No, not Vanity Fair "nude." I'm talking a remake of SOMETHING WILD with you in the Melanie Griffith role. Get nude, tie up whatever shmoe is popular right now (I vote for Jason Segel because he looks like he could pull a Jeff Daniels) and just let us watch. Because watching the below is painful and you now owe us something to counterbalance its effects.