This weekend sees the release of SIN CITY: A DAME TO KILL FOR, a movie about violent criminals and violent strippers. I've been to a strip club once in my life, and it was one of the most horrendous experiences I've ever had. Leave it to movie magic to make pole-dances and clear heels seem more appealing. As hellbent as I am on avoiding those places, a well-shot strip scene in a well-lit Hollywood motion picture can easily remove the blood from my brain long enough to be tempted. Generally speaking, the dancers in your local strip joint probably don't hold a candle to the ladies featured on the following list. Yes, this friday we'll be taking a gander at some of cinema's most salacious strippers... in gif form! You don't even need a measly $20 to get through the door.
Jessica Alba (SIN CITY: A DAME TO KILL FOR)
Figured we might as well start this thing off right, and since SIN CITY: A DAME TO KILL FOR is the taco the town right now, this gif seems highly appropriate. Jessica Alba returns as Nancy, the stripper who doesn't strip, and despite having brought life into the world twice, is still as limber and flexable as an aerobics instructor.
Lindsay Lohan (I KNOW WHO KILLED ME)
We might as well get this one out of the way, before people start throwing sticks and stones at me for featuring the eternal punching-bag, Lindsay Lohan, in this gif from I KNOW WHO KILLED ME. Say what you will, if I hadn't told you who it was in this gif, would you have looked away?
Salma Hayek (DOGMA)
Now we're back to familiar territory, with a hottie who's been responsible for many splendid gifs, Salma Hayek. In the Kevin Smith religious satire DOGMA, Salma plays "Serendipity", which means "fortunate happenstance" or "pleasant surprise". That certainly defines what's going on here.
Emma Watson (THE BLING RING)
This one's for all you weird Hermoine-loving perverts out there. What was I thinking while watching Emma Watson sully an unsuspecting pole in this scene from THE BLING RING? 10 points to Gryffindor, that's what.
Cameron Diaz (CHARLIE'S ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE)
I figured this edition of "TGIFs" needed at least one hottie in a giant martini glass, even if that hottie is Cameron Diaz. I'm aware that I have a noticable infatuation with Cameron from her younger years, and an even more noticable obsession with making gifs from the CHARLIE'S ANGELS movies. I'm not ashamed, either, just pointing out that fact.
Olivia Wilde (BUTTER)
The pleasant surprises keep comin', now with this exquisite Olivia Wilde moment from BUTTER. If there's anything worth remembering about BUTTER, it's Olivia's tremendous pole-dancing skills, as well as her make-out scene with Ashley Greene. Hey, that ryhmed.
Natalie Portman (CLOSER)
It's against nature to have a list of movie strippers and not include Natalie Portman in CLOSER. There would be something morally wrong about it, just as Clive Owen feels there might be something morally wrong with enjoying Natalie's half-naked company. Is there anything wrong with that? Nope.
Vanessa Hudgens (FROZEN GROUND)
Getting into more modern movies, FROZEN GROUND was a decent suspense-thriller that didn't quite bring in the audience it should have. You would think more people would come out from under their rocks to see Vanessa Hudgens dancing around as a stripper (and doing a phenomenal job, I might add). To think of how far we've come since HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL is astounding.
Mena Suvari (WHISPER OF FEAR)
My apologees, Lifetime Movie Network, you're not so bad after all! Not only did you let Jennifer Love Hewitt's cleavage invade your airwaves for nearly two years, but you also got Mena Suvari to dance around like a rowdy cowgirl in the TV-movie WHISPER OF FEAR. I tip my hat to you, LMN.
Jessica Biel (POWDER BLUE)
Finally, there are few things that get my bowtie spinning faster than Jessica Biel's professionally sculpted rear-end. You should all be at least vaguely familiar with this moment, which has been gif-ifized from POWDER BLUE. Again, show me a strip club where any of the above ladies are performing, and I'll be there before the doors open.
Bonus Gif: Jessica Alba (SIN CITY: A DAME TO KILL FOR)
Just to put the cherry on top of this dirty celebration, here's another Jessica Alba gif. I don't care how mediocrely the critics are responding to SIN CITY: A DAME TO KILL FOR. Jessica's back as Nancy, the stripper with a wig of gold, and that's all that matters to me. Tell me you wouldn't pay to see this gif on a big screen, in 3-D.