Greetings, boils and ghouls, and welcome to another bone-chilling edition of "Then & Now" (as read in the voice of the Crypt Keeper). You're damn right I'm making this a Halloween-themed column in early October, and I'm going to shove it down your throats like Dennis Miller with his over-worded, liberal-bashing puns. Speaking of whom, Dennis is just one of many in the (ahem) "star-studded" cast of TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS: BORDELLO OF BLOOD, a film which heavily showcases the beauty of tonight's lady of honor, Angie Everhart!
Okay, so I admit Angie Everhart hardly fits the bill for being labeled an "actress", and TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS: BORDELLO OF BLOOD could hardly be considered a "movie". There are other actresses more worthy of discussion. I know you're probably thinkin' "C'mon, Salacious! Whatever happened to Heather O'Rourke, the little girl from POLTERGEIST?" Unfortunately, she passed away in 1988. "Whatever happened to Angela Aames, the hot mom from BACHELOR PARTY??" She's also passed away, the same year as O'Rourke, actually. "Regardless, there are plenty of other still-living hotties much more worthy for a 'Then & Now' piece." Well, that may be true, but frankly I'm in the mood for looking at some bikini photos of a sexy ginger in her prime, something of which this particular sexy ginger has plenty to spare.
Let's get the "bio" part over with. Angela Kay "Angie" Everhart was born on September 9th, 1969 in Akron Ohio. During her teens, she became a cover model for fashion magazines like Elle and Glamour. She moved to Paris by herself when she was 17, and is fluent in French. During her time as an up-and-comer, she was told by Eileen Ford that "redheads don't sell". Clearly, Eileen didn't know men very well, because in the early '90's, Everhart was making waves and pitching tents all across the globe, most notably with several appearances in the annual Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. Soon she was being seeked out film executives, and she was cast in a small role in LAST ACTION HERO, which credited her as "Video Babe". This was Angie's first big opportunity to show the world her wonderful "talents".
Like I haven't used that joke a hundred times already.
So this brings us to BORDELLO OF BLOOD (1996), the second installment in a failed trilogy of "Tales from the Crypt"-based films (the first being TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS: DEMON KNIGHT). Because they couldn't go the anthology route, they had to make us sit through an entire hour-and-a-half of a single cheesy plotline with poorly-written dialogue, and even poorer acting. You see, there was a time when Robert Zemeckis's "Tales from the Crypt" series on HBO had gotten remarkably popular (and rightfully so). However, the Crypt Keeper's hype had died down quite a bit before they went ahead and brought that boney old bastard to the silver screen. Or should I say silver scream?? (Oh, god, kill me).
BORDELLO OF BOOBS basically starts off like this: Phil Fondacaro (the mini-me version of Chuck Norris and Danny Trejo) and his team are looking for some treasure in the jungle, RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK style. Turns out this treasure is just the skeleton of Lilith, "the mother of all vampires", and he's come to return her lost heart. Apparently putting the heart back in her corpse will bring it back to life, and she will return to bring hell to earth, while looking insanely hot in the process. Funny, because that's precisely what happens!
What the...? Dear lord... Check out the rack on that vampire!
By the way, former "Baywatch" babe Erika Eliniak also has a major role in this movie, as Katherine, an reporter/assistant(?) for a Christian television station. She's also the sister of the rebel teenager trapped in a full-grown man's body, Caleb, played by (son of a bitch) Corey Feldman. He and some of his posing biker friends are informed by an insane bar patron that there's a secret brothel nearby, and it happens to be located in this spooky mansion in the hills. Oh yeah, this mansion also happens to be an UP-AND-RUNNING FUNERAL HOME, which some might see as a red flag. But you know us men, with our penises, so Caleb and company continue their journey. Once they enter, they're literally held at gun-point by the funeral home keeper (played by Aubrey Morris) and forced into what looks like a soon-to-be desintegrated casket. Turns out it's really just an unnecessarily elaborate and inconvenient entrance to an operating whorehouse. But who cares, because boobs!
After expressing concern over her missing brother with no help from the cops, Katherine reluctantly hires Rafe Guttman, an unlicensed private investigator played by Dennis Miller. In case you didn't know, this is a Dennis Miller movie, and you know you have a hit on your hands when the biggest name on your credit roll is Dennis Miller. While he was once a very popular comedian with a popular show on HBO, his popularity pretty much died along with "Tales from the Crypt". To cut to the chase, and because I'm sick of writing about this movie, BORDELLO OF BLOOD kinda sucked. Between the dumb plotline, references to vampire incest, a cameo by Whoopie Goldberg and Corey Feldman's worst vampire role yet, it's no surprise it barely cracked $5 million at the box-office.
All this to say, there are worse ways to spend 90 minutes of your time (using your toaster as a puppet, for example). After all, this movie sure has plenty of tits to go around. You get real tits, fake tits, monsters with tits, skeletons with tits and even disembodied tits. Come to think of it, this movie's right up my deranged alley! BORDELLO OF BLOOD also had the misfortune of coming out just months after the much better vampire brothel flick, FROM DUSK TILL DAWN. Angie Everhart couldn't hold a candle to Salma Hayek in that movie, but she does have some shining moments as a hottie in BORDELLO.
In spite of all odds, Everhart continued her acting career long after all the good parts of BORDELLO were being censored on Comedy Central. She became somewhat known as the queen of direct-to-video erotic thrillers, such as BITTERSWEET, RUNNING RED, BARE WITNESS, SEXUAL PREDATOR and my personal favorite, THE SUBSTITUTE: FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. She also starred in the 1999 TV-movie D.R.E.A.M. TEAM, which led to the series "The Dream Team", which aired 5 episodes.
Angie has been divorced, and engaged to a multi-millionaire businessman, but what I find most interesting of all is her 8-year-engagement to Joe Pesci. Yes, that Joe Pesci. The relationship ended in 2008, but I've gotta say, damn! Way to go, Joe!
I'd like to hang out with those goodfella's...
Now that we've covered all that ground, I'm sure you kiddies are just dying to know what Angie Everhart looks like today, right!? No? Well, you're about to find out anyway.
There's really not a whole lot to say about the present Angie Everhart. In 2008, the same year she dropped her engagement with Joe Pesci, she was arrested for a DUI. In 2009, she had her first child with her ex-boyfriend Chad Stansbury. Recently, Angie had surgery for thyroid cancer, and a representative of hers said, "[Angie] wants to set the record straight by letting everyone know that it is true that she has been diagnosed with thyroid cancer, however, the prognosis is very good."
Things seem to be looking up for Angie health-wise, but career-wise, she most recently made a quick appearance in BLUNT MOVIE, which I'm sure has made waves on Netflix (or at least has been sitting patiently in your "instant que". In it, she plays a supermodel being held hostage in Syria, and it's just all sorts of awful.
Everhart was an avid skydiver up until earlier this year. She's recently made appearances in TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT, the TV series "Happily Divorced" and the direct-to-dvd family film BIGFOOT, which just looks like all sorts of good, clean fun. I don't know what you schmoes will make of this outcome, but I hope you at least enjoyed ogling some spectacular pics of this meticulously sexy ginger of the '90's era. Pleasant screams....