Time: The indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole. Who wouldn't want to hop into a Delorean and travel back in time to visit their favorite movie crushes in their prime. That's what this is all about; remembering the good times, and discovering what happened to Pippi Longstocking, or where Wayne's girlfriend disappeared to. Sometimes the answer isn't what you expected, but that's all part of the mystery. And who's more of a qualified hottie to solve a mystery with than the CLUE cleavage queen herself, Colleen Camp?
The San Francisco-born Colleen Camp made a pretty radical entrance into film, landing her first small part at age 20 in BATTLE FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES, as one of the apes' human servants. Jumping quickly into lascivious territory, her first credited role was in something called THE LAST PORNO FLICK (1974). Oh, by the way... IT WAS RATED PG. Oh, the seventies. To kick things into gear for her following decade of being type-cast as a bosomy B-movie babe, Colleen's first starring role was in the R-rated sexploitation flick, THE SWINGING CHEERLEADERS.
You're damn right they gave their all for the team. Look at the expression on that dude's face. He kinda looks like Javier Bardem, right after a big huff of paint.
Or on bath salts.
THE SWINGING CHEERLEADERS is the product of Jack Hill, who's directed other lower-classics such as BLOOD BATH, HOUSE OF EVIL, SPIDER BABY, ISLE OF THE SNAKE PEOPLE, THE INCREDIBLE INVASION and FOXY BROWN. Yeah, there's a movie called SPIDER BABY. CHEERLEADERS was released in the golden era of high school sex movies, but it looks rather tame compared to the stuff Russ Meyer put out around the same time. Colleen's next film, SMILE (which revolved around the contestants of a beauty pageant) was well-recieved, pushing her career a little further. In 1976, she starred in EBONY, IVORY & JADE. "They can lick any man ever made". (That's what it says on the poster. Seriously). The film was mainly shown at drive-in movie theaters, and also ran with the titles SHE DEVILS IN CHAINS, AMERICAN BEAUTY HOSTAGES, FOXFIRE and FOXFORCE. Quentin Tarantino pays homage to the movie in PULP FICTION, when Uma Thurman mentions her role in an unsuccessful TV show called "Fox Force Five".
While she was still being cast as the "hot cheerleader" in several television shows ("Happy Days", "Isis"), Colleen was clearly becoming a full-grown woman, and the regular Joes began to notice her busting out all over the place. She started drawing more eyes in her side-career as a model. She anesthetized many consumers with her booby spell, posing in what seems like the same red bikini for several products, including cigarettes and Doug Thorley's SuperMuff mufflers.
Alright, there are way too many opportunities here for childish innuendo, so I'm just going to combine the three: "I'd like to Show my Tube to her SuperMuff and have a long-lasting cigarette after". Take it or leave it.
From 1977-1980, Colleen acted in three completely unrelated movies called DEATH GAME, GAME OF DEATH and DEADLY GAMES. I swear I did not f*cking make that up. Well, technically DEATH GAME (1977) was also known as THE SEDUCERS, but that title also interferes with a movie she did in 1982 called THE SEDUCTION. It's all just one big mess. DEATH GAME also earned Colleen her first Golden Razzie nomination for Worst Supporting Actress. GAME OF DEATH (1978) on the other hand, was a bad-ass Bruce Lee action film in which she played his girlfriend (not the first actress to play Bruce Lee's girlfriend who's been featured in this column). DEADLY GAMES was a typical, routine slasher movie about a deranged killer. One of Colleen's breakthrough moments was in APOCALYPSE NOW (1979) as Miss May, a Playboy playmate. She actually posed in an issue of Playboy to coincide with the film.
Hubba hubba. Needless to say, that role got her some well-deserved attention. Once the '80's started kicking in, Colleen was becoming more relatively known for her sex appeal. She soon landed a role alongside John Ritter in THEY ALL LAUGHED (1981), a part in VALLEY GIRL (1983) which was wildly successful, and she played Dusty Trails in SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT PART 3, which was not. She had a role in an episode of the horror anthology series "Tales From The Darkside" (which sounds more like a Darth Vader cartoon series). 1985 was Colleen's big year, when her career practically skyrocketed with the help NATIONAL LAMPOON'S JOY OF SEX, and even more so with POLICE ACADEMY 2: THEIR FIRST ASSIGNMENT as Sgt. Kathleen Kirkland. She got a couple other significant roles that year, but the one that's really stood the test of time is her role as the French maid, Yvette, in the board game-based movie CLUE.
Colleen's performance as the obliviously busty maid in CLUE is so memorable, I can't look at another actress in a French maid outfit without thinking of her. The scenes where Yvette is pouring the drinks in the dining room and bouncing down the staircase would make this film watchable even if it was poorly written. Luckily, it wasn't. For working off of such vague source material, CLUE actually holds up as a pretty entertaining mystery-thriller-comedy. There are good-to-excellent performances from the whole cast. Tim Curry displays great comedic timing as the attentive butler, Wadsworth, who leads the party of strangers in detecting who's murdered Mr. Body, the owner of the mansion they've been anonomously invited to. Madeline Kahn also gives a highlight performances as Ms. White. I also love Christopher Lloyd, as Professor Plum, who keeps staring into Yvette's cleavage with a drooling gaze, like it's the Flux Capacitor.
It's hard to believe this movie is 27-years-old. I still go back to watch it after having seen it dozens of times. I will openly admit, Colleen Camp is one of the reasons I keep going back for repeated views. The slapstick humor and witty dialogue may wear out after a while, but those love-puppies never will. Those things know how to keep a viewer's attention. Don't believe it? Have fun staring at this GIF for the next 30 minutes...
Finished already? I remember reading something about Hasbro teaming up with Gore Verbinski (director of PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN) to reboot the concept. I actually don't think this is a bad idea. The movie isn't untouchable after all (it's based off a goddamn board game). It was just a fun, comedic ensemble piece. It would also be interesting if they sent it to theaters with multiple outcomes, just like the original. I also like to fantasize about what other actresses I'd like to see in Yvette's sexy attire. I personally think Scarlett Johansson would be perfect, as I think she has the figure to pull it off. She's also been spending all that time in Paris, so who knows? Hey, anything can happen...
So CLUE might have been Colleen's peak of hotness, but it was a while before she was over the hump of success. The year after, she starred in the TV-movie SCREWBALL ACADEMY, a semi-sequel to another high school sex-comedy SCREWBALLS, in which she played Liberty Jean. She's actually been in a ton of movies since then. Just to name a few, she worked in WAYNE'S WORLD, LAST ACTION HERO, DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE, the Michael J. Fox comedy GREEDY, HOUSE ARREST, ELECTION and seriously, this could go on and on. I just had never realized it was her playing those roles, because her appearance has gradually changed year after year. I never made the connection. So, with that in mind, what could she possibly look like after all these years?
What? No. Nooo.. No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I mean... this is rather upsetting. I'm used to these women getting hotter as the years pass, and while Colleen's boobs may have gotten bigger, clearly so has the rest of her body. Those things probably look like Jabba the Hut's buttcheeks now. Okay, I honestly feel awful about making fun, as I find fat jokes tasteless and uninspired. But seriously, what the hell happened?? Colleen was a perfect 10! Sometime around the turn of the century she must have started stealing all of Christinia Ricci's food. Poor, starving girl.
The crazy, cat-lady hair doesn't help either. Neither does her overall presentation of herself. If she'd just looked down at the scale after the first 40-50 extra lbs., she could've turned herself around, easily. It's just a shame is what it is. A downright shame. Despite all that extra pudding, Colleen has managed to maintain a pretty steady career. In the recent years, she's appeared in FOUR CHRISTMASES, CIRQUE DU FREAK and multiple episodes of "Entourage" (along with a long list of other guest appearances). She's even worn the producer's helmet for several TV-movie productions. Overall, it's safe to say I'm disappointed. I took a risk, hoping Colleen Camp would still look great in a French maid's outfit, but I had no clue (zing!). She is 59-years-old, after all. Surely, no memorable movie hottie could possibly maintain their hotness past age 60... could they? Tune in next week to find out.