TIme: the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole. When we received news a couple weeks back that the '80's classic WEIRD SCIENCE was going to be remade, with an edgier "R" rating, many questions popped in our heads all at once. Would it be any good? Who would dare to take on the director's chair? And most importantly, who's going to be playing Lisa, the computer-generated hottie the two boys create to have sex with (and then totally never do)? Well, we may not know for a while, but perhaps a good way to determine the right choice would be to look back at the woman in red, the original Frankenbabe, Kelly LeBrock. And we don't even need to wear bras on our head to do it! Although, it couldn't hurt.
Chances are, if you were born anytime in the '70's, you know damn well who Kelly LeBrock is, because she helped you form into an adult. Whether it was puberty, your first break up, or your first drunken Valentine's Day alone, this is one of the key women who got you through those cold, lonely nights. Of course, that same group of people probably also knows Kelly as that incredibly hot chick whose prime years were wasted on Steven Seagal (for shame).
LeBrock was born in New York City and raised in London, England by her Irish mother and French-Canadian father. This means she picked up that hot accent just from being around all those blokes and droogs growing up. When she was 16, Kelly movie back to New York to start a career and modeling, which set off like wildfire. This was good news for her, and great news to the world.
Kelly appeared in thousands of magazine spreads, but she really started to gain attention when she was hired as the spokeswoman Pantene shampoo commercials. This is when she delivered the popular catchphrase "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful". That possibly would've been her 15-minutes-of-fame, had she not been cast as the woman in red soon after, in THE WOMAN IN RED (1984).
Yes, after 8 years choo-chooing on the modeling train, LeBrock was finally invited to bring her assets to the big screen, and ogled by Gene Wilder, in THE WOMAN IN RED. It's interesting to note that Kelly was about 23-years-old when she took on this role, which established her as the ultimate "fantasy woman". She definitely had that Jessica Rabbit appeal, looking like a fully develpoed woman with flawless skin, looking rather curvaceous and delicious in a shiny red dress...
THE WOMAN IN RED didn't get spectacular reviews, but it was a fair enough introduction to Kelly's career as an actress. We see her seductive side, as well as her first shower scene, and all the things you would expect out of a film with such a title. Even the promos for this movie were just a bunch of posters of Kelly with her red dress blowing up, barely revealing of her matching undies. There's no doubt those posters brought in more of an audience than the fantastic Gene Wilder, who directed himself in the flick. It's called a clever advertising technique. Speaking of which...
... boobs are always a great advertising technique, too.
Kelly LeBrock will go down in history as one of the classic movie hotties of the '80's, and it's tough to dive further into '80's movie insanity than with John Hughes's WEIRD SCIENCE (1985). It's like a 14-year-old boy with ADD's wet dream, right after going on a sugar binge. The script goes way past the point of no return with its cheesiness, and still manages to come out cool. At least cooler than most films nowadays. If you don't know the plot by now, there's something wrong with you, but I'll expain anyway. Two best friends and high school losers, Gary (Anthony Michael Hall) and Wyatt (Ilan Mitchell-Smith), have no luck with the ladies. In a desperate attempt to lose their virginity, they figure out a way to create life using a doll, jumper cables, magazine cut-outs and a crappy home computer system you can't even play Duke Nukem on. It makes absolutely no sense at all, but as a result, we get this...
Yeah, it's tough to complain about the logic when this is your primary reason for watching.
Kelly plays the smart, sexy, and somewhat supernatural "Lisa", as named by Gary in referrence to a girl he once dated. While these two guys miraculously cracked the scientific code we've all dreamed of, they're a bit incompetent when it comes to actually making a move with their very own creation. The first thing they do is shower together, but our two heros are too shy to remove their clothes. Later on, Lisa kisses Wyatt and offers to make his wildest fantasies come true; then in the middle of what I could only imagine was some terrific women's gymnastics foreplay, he passes out. So now we're halfway through the movie, and Lisa's the most sexually frustrated of the bunch. Poor interdimensional being, simply trying to get her rocks off with some teenagers.
Aside from all the great spank bank deposites provided by Kelly's character, there are plenty of other reasons to enjoy the obsurdity that is WEIRD SCIENCE. Bill Paxton plays Wyatt's relentless older brother Chet, who constantly bullies the two of them and goes around pointing shotguns at people. There's the crazy house party climax, which I consider to be up there with ANIMAL HOUSE as far as "party scenes" go (the chick who gets her clothes torn off and launched through the chimney: priceless). Of course, we can't leave out Robert Downey Jr., who makes one of his first memorable appearances as Ian, yet another bully to our protagonists who dumps an Icee on them from the second floor in a shopping mall. It's strange to see a "pretty boy" Robert Downey, and you'd never guess he'd be playing Iron Man decades later. Although, Tony Stark does make a cameo on Wyatt's fake I.D.
Strangely, THE WOMAN IN RED and WEIRD SCIENCE were the only two '80's films Kelly LeBrock starred in. In an event of what-the-f*ckery, she got married to Steven Seagal in 1987. To make things worse, they decided to star in a movie together called HARD TO KILL (1990). Seagal stars as a detective who's put in a coma during a shootout, also killing his wife, then awakens seven years later to seek revenge. Kelly plays the nurse who falls for him while in the coma, but you know what? Let's not talk about this shitty movie. Let's look at Kelly's ass again, instead.
Kelly and Seagal had three children together, then divorced in 1996. The only other notable movie that featured Kelly in the '90's was WRONGFULLY ACCUSED (1998), the slapstick parody of THE FUGITIVE starring Leslie Nielsen. Kelly was still very hot, but in a much more "MILFy" sort of way. It was obvious that a transformation was beginning to take place, but would it be for better or for worse? Would we still hate her for being beautiful? There's only one way to find out...
Now before you go making you're final judgements one way or the other, keep in mind, that photo is of LeBrock in 2013. As I'm sure some of you know, had I chosen to use pictures from just a few years ago, the change would've seemed a lot more drastic. In other words, Kelly appears to be taking care of herself more lately, which I admire, and will therefore only share the most recent, flattering images of her I can find. Personall? I'd still hit that, even with the changes considered. Seeing as she's one of the hottest movie-star babes of the '80's, it's hard to imagine I would ever refuse to wear this woman's bra as a hat.
LeBrock continued her run as an actress in a handfull of (very) forgetable films in the 2000's, up until 2008 when she lost her brother Harold to cancer. After that, she decided to dedicate her life to the terminally ill, and she is now the celebrity spokesperson for Club Carson, an organization that seeks to help children with cancer.
So that's what Kelly LeBrock has been up to lately. I wonder what she makes of the news of this upcoming WEIRD SCIENCE remake. Who would she prefer take on the role of Sara? A popular choice among movie fans seems to be Kelly Brook. That would probably make a lot of fans happy, including yours truly. She's got the sex appeal, the English accent, the 8+ years of modeling experience, and of course, a fantastically bountiful rack. Not to mention they both practically have the same name. It's a far better option than some other possibilities.
I take it back. I would watch that film, too.
Whether the modern day Kelly LeBrock makes you feel like tossing off for old-time sake or not, she will always be the original Lisa, and neither you, I, or Netflix can ever take that away from her. I think it will be a long time before that image of LeBrock in half a sweater and underwear will be losing its rightful place in cinematic history anytime soon. As far as Kelly's future goes, I just hope she stays healthy and continues to do whatever it is that makes her happy... so long as that isn't bangin' Steven Seagal. Thanks for the movie memories, Kelly LeBrock!