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ALONE IN THE DARK II
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Reviewed by: Mike Catalano

Directed by: Michael Roesch, Peter Scheerer

Starring:
Rick Yune
Bill Moseley
Lance
Henricksen

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
There's a dagger, a witch, and some poor schmo who can see when she's coming. Can Bill Moseley and his crew stop her for good this time?
Is it good movie?
"We're on the verge of finding the witch's lair."

What you see above is just a sample of the kind of intricate dialogue spoken through this movie. If you're content with little verbal nuggets such as this, then you'll probably enjoy ALONE IN THE DARK II.

I'd also like to preface this review by stating that I have never seen ALONE IN THE DARK part 1, directed by the infamous Uwe Boll. If you think that makes me unfit to review the sequel, then you'll probably enjoy ALONE IN THE DARK II.

Okay, first off, I just have to ask: if you're making a direct-to-DVD sequel to an R-rated horror movie, then why the f*ck would you go for a PG-13 rating?! This just absolutely baffles me. Isn't the whole point of releasing movies on DVD so that we can see the "more violent" stuff?! I thought that perhaps the rating on the back of the DVD box was a typo, but then I sat through the 90 minutes of mostly bloodless, cut-away-before-the-kill action. Holy shit! PG-13 WAS the correct rating! If the flick had any form of a good story or scares, the rating really wouldn't have bothered me. However...

The plot completely blows! Well, "non-plot" would most likely be a better description, but I guess the actors on screen had to progress towards something. Unfortunately, said progression was an utterly unwatchable mess. It felt like watching a movie made by a bunch of friends in the woods with a high-grade video camera. I didn't care about any of the characters as well as whatever they were trying to accomplish. When the witch bad guy (girl) ever came around, she basically looked like a drunk women in a cheap Halloween costume.

Another aspect that truly puzzled me about ALONE II was the high number of genre vets that were in it. Are Bill Moseley, Lance Henricksen, Danny Trejo, Natassia Malthe, Michael Paré, and P.J. Soles really this desperate for cash of film roles? At least Henricksen is able to deliver his shit lines with proper, although pointless, panache.

It's so pathetically clear that the bare minimum of creativity and imagination went into making this movie. I mean, check out the friggin' tagline on the coverbox: "Evil Returns". How's that for a super original, non-generic verbal teaser?! Pretty shitty.

Video / Audio
Video Widescreen 2.35:1

Audio English 5.1 Dolby Digital

The Extras
An Audio Commentary with the flick's TWO directors (!) and Bill Moseley where they don't even realize how crappy each scene is.

A Behind the Scenes featurette.

Some Cast Interviews where, shockingly, no one fesses up to the huge waste of time they're partaking in.

Last Call
If you're looking for fun, thrills, gore, and a coherent storyline, I'd definitely leave this one ALONE. In terms of developing strong, interesting characters, writer/directors Michael Roesch and Peter Scheerer left things IN THE DARK.

ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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