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BIKINI GIRLS ON ICE
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Reviewed by: Mike Catalano

Directed by: Geoff Klein

Starring:
William Jarand
Cindel Chartrand
Suzi Lorraine

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
Did you read the title? No, it's not about a scantily-clad ice capades show. A group of bikini-ed bimbos on their way to some fundraiser car wash breakdown at an old abandoned gas station where some psycho garage hand starts picking them off one by one.

Is it good movie?
"Whatever, they were pretty girls, so..." This is a quote from one of BIKINI's filmmakers during the DVD commentary and it couldn't sum up this entire flick better. Allow me to expand a bit on that brilliant aforementioned excerpt: Who cares about creativity or plausibility or continuity or plot development or interesting characters or motives? We've got girls in bikinis and that should be enough to please any true horror hound! Sorry, dude, but you are 100% f*cking wrong!

This movie is such an awful mess, I'm not sure where to begin. I'm just going to randomly point to one of the numerous negatives I just had to list while watching it. And the first choice we have is... ah, yes: you know how people usually make really dumb decisions in horror movies? Well, these BIKINI GIRLS are by far the dumbest! The decisions these idiots make can't even pass for silly in a sort of tongue-in-cheek way. Stupid actions are carried out merely for the filmmakers to advance their already-pathetic storyline. I'm going to go right out and say the movie's biggest offense in regards to stupidity. Sure, it's a spoiler, I guess, but you really aren't going to watch it anyways. So, here we go: two bikini girls just got away from the killer and made it to a car. While driving, they hear someone banging in the trunk. They actually stop the car to check the banging out. They ask who is in it and no one answers. Then more banging occurs. One girl says not to open the trunk, so naturally, the other one does. Guess who pops out? HUGE SPOILER ALERT: it's the killer! No f*cking surprise, no originality.

This leads me right into my next complaint. The escape car that the two bikini girls find is located at least 5 minutes away from the gas station of death (this is stated by two inexplicably French-speaking tourists who are the car's original owners). Upon arriving, they aren't the slightest bit out of breath. It was like they just sprinted 10 feet and then magically arrived there. Alright fine, however the killer that was chasing them managed to not only get there before them, but also decided that it would be a good idea to TRAP HIMSELF IN THE TRUNK! It's lazy bullshit like this that leads me to believe that the filmmakers had to have been some trust fund dumbasses that never actually went to film school. It really pisses me off to think that they'd have such little respect for the intelligence or f*cking common sense of their audience. But, hey, it's got pretty girls in bikinis in it, right? Right?!

Now, I only have time to briefly some up the remainder of this flick's numerous flaws. People disappear for extended amounts of time and no one seems to take notice. All the kills are pathetic cutaways to blood splattering somewhere (perhaps this was because of the low budget, but after the seventh time, it just became ridiculous). The killer is given NOTHING to make him seem even remotely scary: no good motive for his actions, stupid hair, hilarious grunting, etc. And the kills happen so quickly with no suspense or even a chase! At least the filmmakers did make good on their promise of bikini girls. However, you'd think there would be ample opportunity to shed said bikinis, but not so much. There is one fast sex scene where some slight boobage is shown and that's it! This is one frustratingly bad movie.

Video / Audio
Video Widescreen 1.85:1

Audio English dolby digital.

The Extras
A self-indulgent Commentary from director Geoff Klein and writer Jeff Ross that can serve as proof that the people behind this flick were basically idiots.

A very lazy Behind the Scenes without any semblance of order. Just random clips of cast and crew.

One Deleted Scene that actually showed some carnage. Figures, it got deleted.

Lastly, the Trailer .

Last Call
So, you think I liked BIKINI GIRLS ON ICE? Ha. A complete lack of creativity, intelligence, and respect for the genre. With a title like this, you'd at least expect some smutty fun, but the level of ridiculousness was so high and the flaws were so plentiful, that yes, even chicks running around in swimsuits could not save it. Plus, a lot of them were butter faces.

ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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