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BLACK MOON RISING
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Reviewed by: Mike Catalano

Directed by: Harley Cokliss

Starring:
Tommy Lee Jones
Linda Hamilton
Bubba Smith

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
Hey, it's 1986 and Tommy Lee Jones stole some important cassette tape and stashed it within some super fast futuristic car called the Black Moon! Then, said car gets stolen by none other than Linda Hamilton! Can Tommy Lee retrieve the car and the cassette tape before Bubba Smith whoops his ass?

Is it good movie?
Grab a big ol' bottle of wine and some crackers, my friends, because we've got ourselves a Total 80's cheesefest! Personally, I don't remember much from this 1986 actioner from a story by, gasp, John Carpenter?! I feel bad saying this, but BLACK MOON is just further proof that Mr. Carpenter may have indeed piqued fully in the early 80's. MOON's plot is just a tad too ridiculously remedial to be bought as a flick. Now, Carpenter may have come up with the story, but his name is listed with a bunch of other schmo's under the "Screenplay by" credit. So perhaps the asinine dialogue and non-developed storylines aren't entirely his fault.

But hold on a sec. I don't want to come off as completely hating this movie. First of all, it's tough to hate anything that involves the great Tommy Lee Jones. Dude's got the charisma to spare and can make even the lamest of drivel watchable. Whether delivering smart-ass lines or punches to some jerk's face, the man's a class act all the way. Plus, you've also got Ms. Sarah Connor, the lovely Linda Hamilton on hand who looks pretty even with this ridiculous afro mullet hairdo! Clearly BLACK MOON was packin' some nice talent in its two leads.

Another facet that really helped amp up he fun was Lalo Schifrin's synthesizer-heavy score, which really brought about a nostalgic 80's feel. I know that since this flick was actually made in the 80's, it doesn't necessarily count as nostalgia, but from someone who watches it in 2010, I dare you not to get that ol' 1980's feeling after hearing this score. In fact, that really is the best reason I can give for checking out BLACK MOON RISING. You really feel like you've been transported back in time to a simpler era of film.

Sadly, I still can't excuse the complete lack of logic and quality that was evident in a great deal of the proceedings. This flick contains what has got to be the most random and rushed love scene ever committed to celluloid. I mean, I get that he's Tommy Lee Jones in his prime, but you will absolutely marvel at how fast Linda Hamilton jumps into bed with him. Just ridiculous! And yes, you do see a little bit of "Connor booby".

Video / Audio
Video Widescreen 1.85:1

AudioEnglish 5.1 Dolby Digital

The Extras
So, the only extras were a teaser trailer and regular trailer, but damn, if it wasn't grindhouse-style gold! Both reminded me of the fake ones shown on Tarantino and Rodriguez's 3-hour opus. Just hilarious! I actually had more fun watching these two trailers than the actual movie.

Last Call
Samuel Gerard and Sarah Connor nearly save a ridiculously-plotted heist/action flick, but just can't overcome the insipid and lazy storytelling. I can only recommend it for the 80's nostalgic factor.
ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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