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BLACK X-MAS
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Reviewed by: Andre Manseau

Directed by: Glen Morgan

Starring:
Lacey Chabert
Mary Elizabeth Winstead
Michelle Trachtenberg

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
A group of sorority sisters are being offed, one by one by a terrifying killer. It's also Christmas.
Is it good movie?
Folks, two other films have proven that the "classics" should be left. The f*ck. alone. Not familiar with what I’m talking about? I'm talking about The Wicker Man and When a Stranger Calls. These PG-rated, awful pieces of garbage should NEVER have come across the silver screen as remakes, and I was painfully unoptimistic about the newest foray into paycheck-land, Black Christmas.

A remake of what is perceived to be one of the scariest films of all time, Black Christmas has been brought to you by two fairly prevalent names in the horror industry, James Wong and Glen Morgan from the Final Destination series. With that bit of news to bat around in my head, I could only pray that Black Christmas ' enjoyability factor was more along the lines of FD 1, and not the hilarious FD 3.

So, is the film any good?

Oh, dear god, god no. I'm sorry folks, but this is absolute crap. Unless you're 13, and this is your first horror movie, I don't see how you could do anything but laugh your ass off at the ineptitude of the cast, script and characters. The plot of this dog is needlessly complicated and completely backwards. Let me break it down for you. Billy Lenz saw his Mom kill his Dad when he was young. He was then locked in an attic. Years pass (wtf) and he's still up there, and his Mom climbs up the stairs and has SEX with him. Yeah. And then, she gives birth to her son's child, who she and her new husband name Agnes. Soon, Billy decides he's had enough (after all those friggin' years!) and snatches his daughter and wipes out his parents.

I'm going to ruin the movie for you now, although if you don't figure this out, you're probably sort of dumb. The killers in this movie are Agnes and Billy, both. Yeah. And to top this off, they're both played by the SAME (male) actor. I kid you not. This is the kind of thing that makes you want to break Christmas bulbs, jam them into your eyes and rotate (this sort of thing is explored a lot in this film).

Anyway, now the Lenz house is a sorority house (oooooooh) and lo and behold, hot girls start getting wiped out. That's about it really. The acting is awful, the plot is holier than the Bible, and the whole thing is just absolutely chock full of amateur filmmaking. I will tell you what's good though, and that's the set designs, and the unbelievably hot women. Whoever decided to put Lacey Chabert and Michelle Trachtenberg together is a genius. Whoever decided to forgo them being naked with each other for 90 minutes deserves a Christmas-themed death.

Oh, and there are a lot of those too, Christmas themed-deaths. Are you shocked? Lots of eye-plucking, and other such nastiness, and it all manages to be relatively gore free, what a sad, sad day.

In case you couldn't tell, I give my strongest recommendation to avoid Black Christmas.
Video / Audio
Black Christmas looks gorgeous, with a nice widescreen picture, clean, crisp and colourful.

Sounds dandy too, Dolby digital rules once again.
The Extras
First on the list is What Have You Done?: The Remaking of Black Christmas, which is more about the original film than the remake, and actually has a brief appearance from original director Bob Clark and the webmaster of a Black Christmas Fan Site names Dan Duffin. Interesting stuff, watchable, at 20 minutes long.

May All Your Christmases Be Black: A Filmmaker's Journey is a standard EPK piece of garbage, with Glen Morgan talking about how today's slasher films are different (read: they SUCK), and the cast and crew patting each other's back. Oh, you'll also gain insight as to how they cast Agnes/Billy..can you guess? That's right, they got him from their own crew. What filmmaking!

There are a handful of deleted scenes that would have only bloated the runtime and 3 awful alternate endings. I'm pleased that they chose the ending they did..maybe this means they won't have a sequel! I can dream, right?

Trailers for far superior products! Grindhouse, Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Show, Hannibal Rising, Pulse (okay, those last two weren't so superior), and Feast.
Last Call
Mainstream horror is quickly becoming a ridiculous insult to try and rake in cash. Yes, horror has never been a particularly intelligent genre, but we knows what we likes, and we do not likes this crap. Why does everything in Hollywood have to be a sequel or a remake (or a sequel OF a remake)? I really have to believe that the studios hacked this film to pieces because I know that Glen Morgan can do better than this (Willard, anyone?). One thing's for sure, I'd rather watch Silent Night, Deadly Night (that's right..the entire series..TWICE!) than watch this crap again.
ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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