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BLOODRAYNE - UNRATED DIRECTOR'S CUT
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Reviewed by: Rees Savidis

Directed by: Uwe Boll

Starring:
Kristanna Loken
Michelle Rodriguez
Michael Madsen

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
Based (apparently very loosely) on the popular PC game of the same name, Bloodrayne sees titular half-breed vampire bimbo, Rayne (Kristanna Loken) slice, suck and slaughter her way across Eastern Europe on a quest to destroy Kagan (Ben Kingsley), the bloodsucking bastard who raped and murdered her mother.
Is it good movie?
I have a confession to make; Bloodrayne represents the very first time I’ve managed to sit through an Uwe Boll film from front to back. It also represents the last time this will happen. Granted, Boll’s resume isn’t what you would call “expansive”, so there’s not really much to choose from but given the quality of his films, surviving till the end credits is still no mean feat. I commend those that have gone before me (and by commend, I mean pity). I’d love to sit here and proclaim Bloodrayne to be Boll’s best film yet; I’d love to – but I won’t. Sure, it’s better than House of the Dead or Alone in the Dark, but is that really much of a ringing endorsement? That would be like saying a life spent dealing with gang-rape in the prison shower-room is better than execution. You say tomato, I say tomato; but no matter how you say it, it’s still spelled the same way.

While it really didn’t surprise me in the slightest that Bloodrayne turned out to be a massive shit on the horror community, it did surprise me that the film was as gory as it was. The red-sauce flows freely with mucho instances of the two dis’s; memberment and embowelment in this “unrated directors cut”, and it was certainly a welcome addition to an otherwise total waste of time. As painful as it is to admit, whenever the splatter kicked in, my interest in the film was renewed - of course, that interest would quickly disappear as soon as anyone spoke.

The problems with Bloodrayne are basically the same as the rest of Boll’s films; it’s sloppy, lazy and criminally misguided garbage. Now, I’ve never been one for bandwagons, so my dislike for Uwe Boll and his films (as well as everything he stands for and believes in) are all developed from my own observations of the man and his work from the perspective of not only a horror fan, but a fan of film in general. I’ll never slam a filmmaker simply because he’s hated by pretty much every carbon-based life-form on earth – that’s just not how I roll. Remember, I’m the dude that actually enjoys Paul Anderson movies – shit, there goes my credibility.
Video / Audio
VIDEO: Nice! The anamorphic 1.85:1 transfer presented here is sure to please.

AUDIO: The eternal battle between flesh and steel always sounds better in Dolby Digital 5.1
The Extras
Given that Bloodrayne made back about ten-percent of its budget after its brief run in theatres earlier this year, it should come as little surprise that there probably wasn’t much cash left laying around to pay for wealth of extras – or maybe, there just wasn’t anyone around to care. At any rate, here’s the list:

CGI Making of Film: Here we have a compilation of scenes from the film shown in a “before” and “after” fashion, pointing out instances where CGI was added to enhance the scenes. Too bad CGI hasn’t been advanced to the stage where it could have been used to make Bloodrayne a good film.

Storyboards: Yay! Storyboards…I think you folks get the idea.

Dinner with Uwe: Ah, the piece-de-resistance. Sit with director / antichrist Uwe Boll as he chows down on some Thai food and waxes-poetic about why he makes the best movies, and why we all hate them. Boll tries to defend himself against some of the attacks that have been launched against him over the years, but he just comes off as a crass, self-serving prick.

Director’s commentary: Listen to Boll and lead actress Kristanna Loken as they discuss the finer points of making Bloodrayne. I’m running out of smart-ass things to say, so I’ll just keep it at that.

The rest of this disc is rounded out with the theatrical trailer for Bloodrayne as well as a second disc that contains the full version of the Bloodrayne 2 video game for PC. I haven’t had a chance to play it yet, but rest assured…it’s bound to be loads more enjoyable than sitting through the film.
Last Call
If vampire splatter and a shot of Kristanna Loken’s titties are what you’re after then look no further kiddies…Bloodrayne’s got it. If on the other hand, you crave a well crafted and thoroughly entertaining vampire film with splatter and titties, may I recommend something like Innocent Blood or hell…even one of the Subspecies flicks?
ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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