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CAMILLE 2000
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Reviewed by: Matt Withers

Directed by: Radley Metzger

Starring:
Daničle Gaubert
Nino Castelnuovo

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
A naive dude falls for a party girl who relies on gifts from her, ahem, "gentlemen callers" to finance her lavish and reckless lifestyle. He tries to lock her down, and does successfully for a time, until she's convinced to throw the sappy sad sack back for the sake of his future.

If any of that makes you want to watch this film then I have done you a disservice.

Is it good movie?
There are three worthwhile things in this flick. The cinematography is fairly lush. There is one great line, "You either need to love me a little less, or understand me a little better." And a card game towards the end is fairly tense and well laid out.

Beyond that this is one of the stupidest, most insipid, difficult to sit through wastes of time that I've ever had to watch. Seriously. I stopped and started the damn thing 6 times before I finally got through its ponderous 2 hour run time. Now this is the Extended Version, but why anyone would have ever wanted to extend this miserable experience is beyond me.

It's really an achievement to make a film with this much nudity and sex that I actively hate. All you really have to do is string some loose story threads together and then have people get down. I'll likely be entertained. Hell, sometimes you don't even need the loose story threads. After all, watching naked people get at it is inherently entertaining. Usually. In the case of Camille 2000 my reaction was more akin to taking a cold shower.

The sex scenes, if you can call them that, are ridiculous. It looks like people who have never had sex filming people who never want to have sex pretending to have sex badly. Apparently the filmmakers believe that swiping your head back and forth along someone's tummy will launch them into spasms of delirious pleasure. Right.

Most vexing is the kissing. Not one damn person in this f*cking movie knows how to kiss. It's like they were just given lips the day before shooting and were told to explore them. It's inexplicable. I don't know if MST3K does softcore flicks, but they would have a ball with this one.

I can barely bring myself to even mention the story line because it is so stupid, overdone, and drawn out for what feels like years longer than is necessary. It's basically a mix of PRETTY WOMAN and ROMEO AND JULIET if you took every single thing that made those stories enjoyable out and left nothing but an immature, simpering, pathetic husk.

Generally with horror and softcore films you have to be very careful not to go too highbrow. It can only be pulled off by an expert with a truly outstanding property. Otherwise you're better off giving your audience the cheap thrill of ample gore and or nudity. They'll appreciate the down and dirty nature of your achievement.

In this case the filmmakers were obviously trying to be arty, and what we're left with is a classless, insufferable hodge podge of boring people doing stupid things. I have never thrown a DVD away before in my life...until now. I do not want this POS cluttering up my house.

Video / Audio
Video: I wish there had been none.

Audio: Ditto.

The Extras
There were a bunch, and you are out of your f*cking mind if you think I was going to waste a moment watching any of them, much less listing them.
Last Call
I hated this film. It's rare that a film fails so spectacularly that it's not good, not enjoyably bad, and leaves me wanting to erase all traces of it from my head. I may actually have to go and get a PhD in Chemistry to see if I can then create a serum of some sort that would block specific memories so I can never again be forced to think about Camille 2000. Failing that, I may go a more non-specific route of multiple self-induced concussions until it's too murky to be identified.
ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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