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CARNIVOROUS
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Reviewed by: Dave Murray

Directed by: Amir Valinia

Starring:
DMX

Movie:  
star star star star
Extras:  
star star star
Overall:  
star star star star
What's it about
It's a movie about voodoo, a giant snake, and the low rent rapper who loved them both! Well, it's essentially a low budget ripoff of Anaconda, but minus the money, style and talent.
Is it good movie?
I think we can safely file this one under the category of "Will Never Watch Again", and I can honestly say that no one else should watch this movie unless they are a fan of self mutilation. Yes, this one is so bad that you will want to hurt yourself just to erase the painful memories from your brain. I honestly thought the movie was called DMX Carnivorous, because second rate rapper DMX is so all over this movie I think he dry humped it into submission. If the trailer mentioned him one more time I was going to have those three letters scarred across my eyeballs until the end of time. No, instead I've been pounded silly by an asinine movie that thinks it's a hell of a lot more than it actually is.

Forget the silly story, because the holes that you can drive through it are amazing in their scope. When Voodoo spells awaken a giant serpent, Army special ops veteran and master hunter Nick Kirabo (DMX, who's about as convincing at the army thing as he is at being a gangster, meaning I'd believe Paul Rubens in either capacity first) is the only man who can stop the big bad snake thingy (which looks like a cross between a rubber muppet ripoff and a really bad attempt at making a 3D snake on your home computer). If we were to believe the quote on the DVD cover, from Stuart Alson of Independent Film Quarterly, then we are about to be treated to the best giant snake movie ever! He says that "Bone chilling serpentine terror ensues in this classic that outdoes the Anaconda series from the get go". Wait, bone chilling? Terror? Classic? I think we watched two different movies here, bub. This movie outdoes nothing, as it itself is outdone by a YouTube video of a toddler have a giant poop on a shopping mall escalator. Someone needs to smack Stuart in the nuts, or send him to rehab, cause he's got to be one of these higher than a kite peckerheads that says crazy shit about bad movies just to get their quote on DVD covers. So, he studied film criticism with Ben Lyons, huh?

Okay, enough ranting. DMX is about as good of an actor as he is a rapper (meaning not very good at all), but then again the only other movie I've seen him in is Romeo Must Die, so I'm not really the right sort of critic to judge his "body of work" as a whole. But he just does not work as an action star. The snake gave a more believable performance. I can't comment on the other actors in the movie, because they are not DMX, and I don't want him standing outside my house with a bazooka. The effects are piss poor, the story is silly and contrived, the film really has no style, and director Valinia seems more like a hired gun with no real creative input at all, because the direction is all over the place, and it focuses on DMX so much I think he gave most of the direction during filming.

But all jokes aside, I can't in good conscience recommend this one to anyone. I'm giving it a point just for Stuart's little quote on the front cover, and for having the balls to suck and not really get it. It's just another bad movie, folks. Forget it.
Video / Audio
Video: Widescreen - 1.68:1. Honestly, I was too horrified by the bad movie to notice the video quality. Sorry.

Audio: English (Dolby Digital 2,0).
The Extras
Ummm, not much here, other than a Photo Gallery, which is mostly pictures of DMX holding a bazooka. Is this dude a badass or what!
Last Call
I'm constantly being amazed, since every time I see a crappy movie I can't imagine the possibility of there being a worse movie than the steaming pile of lizard poop I just watched. Well, I've been stricken dumb with awe here, folks. Carnivorous was so bad, it transcended the realm of "so bad it's good", and degraded into the realm of "unwatchable dreck so bad that I'd rather hit myself in the face with a claw hammer than watch it again"! And on my personal scale of bad, that's pretty damn low. It probably doesn't help that I didn't really like the movie that this one is ripping off. Poor writing, acting, effects, lighting, an absence of visual style or talent behind the scenes, and a lightweight star make this a truly painful experience all around. It's not "bone chilling terror", just ball clenchingly awful.
ARROW IN THE HEAD'S RATING SYSTEM
star star star star I'D BUTCHER MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS AGAIN
star star star HANG ME BUT I DUG IT A LOT
star star AN OK WAY TO KILL TWO HOURS
star JUST SLING AN ARROW IN MY HEAD AND LET ME DIE IN PEACE

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